I need to stop eating so much. Sure, this may sound like a typical rant from an anorexic or the like but the truth of the matter is I eat too much. I can eat a normal amount of food and exercise three times a week and I'll still be slightly above average weight. Now that there are time constraints and stressors that make me rather sleep than go to the gym, well that doesn't exactly help my case. I know, you can't just whine about something and expect improvement. However, it can be so difficult to motivate oneself when there is so little improvement from so much effort.
On a side note, do you ever say or do anything that drastically deviates from your established character? It can either glean resentment or applause, but in my case it seems to be suspicion (as in who am I really?). So that is the regret of the day (in addition to taking a nap instead of walking the dog..poor doggy).
It seems as though there is a possibility of overdosing on multivitamins if you happen to take them in addition to other vitamins (more than 100% of daily suggested dose can be harmful). Silly to think that although I am supposed to be well versed in such a topic (science, medicine) and add onto the fact that I am currently taking a toxicology class, it seems almost ironic that I let these common sense details slip my mind. Apparently overdosing on calcium can prevent the absorption of iron, lead to kidney failure in the long term, and lethargy in the short term (acute exposure). Well then, that might explain the excessive sleepiness. Such a strange physical world it is, to have a counter intuitive idea such that if you take many good things together they end up cancelling each other out and/or causing harm.
It makes me wonder sometimes, if I will ever be completely independent and if I will be happy leaving what is comfortable. Oftentimes people will go from family to their significant other and they are not given the chance to grow and change of their own accord. But I also wonder if those experiences allowed them to grow in different ways, ie. how to love and care for others. It may be terrible to leach onto those we are most comfortable with, but the idea of living completely on my own (no roommates) terrifies me just a bit. To only be able to come home to my dog (if that) and then do work in a quiet apartment until it's time to go to sleep and then repeat the cycle. I wonder if it is selfish to cling to comfortable environments until I can move into my next home. But I know for a fact that living absolutely alone in a city of strangers or with roommates who just don't care would take me for a depressing spin. I wonder why people must be so needy. We need air to breathe, which is (for now) only present in abundant amounts on one planet out of an entire galaxy and not only that but we need to eat every six hours (five for me) and drink water or else within three days die of dehydration. And on top of all that we must find this thing we call love. Sigh~such a finicky species, even worse than a cat.
Today was the Lunar New Year celebration. I was supposed to go see the annual firecrackers and lion dancing shows and eat New Year's food, but got sidetracked instead and missed it. When I called mom to ask her where she was, she hurriedly dismissed me and hung up just as I said, "I just wanted to call and say I'm home and lonely." A little pathetic, now that it is an afterthought. But it was a strange afternoon. I locked the door and firmly pulled it closed, but as I got to my room I heard the screen door swing open and closed. As I walked to the front door, the handle was still locked, but the door had swung open. Very curious as the screen door and front door are not attached. My doggy didn't bark at all but it still terrified me at the thought that someone, (or something, in my childish mind) could be in the house. Even if my seventeen lb and ten year old dog had sounded the alarm, his gumming would do little to resolve the issue. And so I went to my room and set up a base if you will, ready to spring into defense should someone decide to come a-knocking. The entire house was silent and dark. It no longer felt safe to walk doggy after the half dream half nightmare nap and so I tried to get some work done. Of course the internet decides to turn on and off when I finally decide to sit down and actually do something productive.
And so I began to write this (after finally submitting the first assignment of course). I wonder what I will do if one day I am left all alone, the kids (if there are any) have moved out and the spouse has left me.. maybe if I'm lucky I'll be one of those little old ladies who follow their husband after three days. But then my kids/dog/cat would be left all alone so I hope that they are happy and surrounded by people they love when I have to go. Such a hard situation (and morbid!), but I recall thinking at one point in my naive childhood that without my parents I would die. And so I resolved to thinking that in order to prevent this from happening, everyone would have to be in a car accident at the same time or at home when there's an earthquake. I suppose I could say that I went through a gloomy phase as a child.
The other day a wave of depression hit me when I got a response about how I can rework my resume so that company reps wouldn't roll their eyes at it. I was asked why I wanted to go into blood drawing when I was planning to do research initially. I don't know if it was the hellish past five months I have gone through to do mundane work for more than 5 hours a day and then not be recognized for my work (but to have someone waltz in and take over my project, receive a badge and official documentation as a research assistant there and offers of getting published), or something to the effect but it seems as though I am not cut out nor interested in doing research. If the paycheck was considerable and I was working with people who actually showed an ounce of respect for me, then I would gladly do it. But at the same time, my future career path is with patients, in a clinical setting and I wonder if doing a job there (even as a technician) would help my perspective on my goals (and resume). This thought then jumped to the idea of what if (which are most often terrible). What if I finish this post bacc program and don't get accepted anywhere? What do I do from there? I remember seeing the school's track record in placing people. Many people did get in, but so many more got rejected or only the first interview. What if I am in debt and don't have a job to pay for it, or my future has nothing to show for all of the work I put into shaping it as I wanted it? What if my life choices make my kids think that they don't need to try hard in life because it won't take you anywhere, anyway?
On a happier note, I love dogs. I wish I could adopt a dog right now so it could keep my current one happy when I can't be around. Probably not a good idea though seeing as one dog, one cat, and a bird are already proving to be a handful. Someone should invent mini walls or security 'fences' for one's laptop in order to prevent inconsiderate cats from typing away as he rubs up against his owner for attention. These mini walls must be able to hold up x lbs of pressure per square inch seeing as how a cat's rub or batting action can have an insurmountable amount of force. Engineers! Hop to it!
Everyone has a similar dream I think, and that is happiness. Whether it is to simply not be lonely and have a rewarding career (mine) or some of the more eccentric, such as breeding goats to do landscaping. I wonder if the universe's obsession with chaos has things fit in such a way that there must be an equal number of unhappy people with broken dreams to balance out the happy people with their stupid picket fences and blue shutters. Similar to the whole darkness and light thing. That would be depressing. Futile too, since if the above is true, then how do we figure out if we are the unlucky few destined to be unhappy forever? If this were established, those people could just float in life and not have to worry about fighting against the inevitable current. But I suppose that is the point of living, that you make your own destiny and you can't blame anyone in the great blue sky for your sorrows should your life end poorly because you spent it leaning back in your chair and not doing anything to improve every moment. Which brings me to a sidenote: the other day in lab, as I was looking at the countdown clock tick by, looking forward to seeing a significant other, I realized that those seconds were something I would never be able to get back. I was basically counting down my life. At a job I hate. Where I wasn't even getting paid for. And so I am off on a mission to do something meaningful, with the skills I have in the meantime and to continue to work hard and do my best to get into medical school. Because I will make being a doctor and opening a free clinic where it's really needed my destiny.
