Awakening

Day 5
People are not kind here. I'd been forced to sneak around since I'd arrived at boyfriend's place at 12 30 am because guests are not allowed for some reason. We set up a schedule such that we'd be getting back at 12 am or later. I took a shower at around 1 am today but I had a bad feeling because the bath mats had mysteriously disappeared. I didn't really need to shower but I did need to brush my teeth and that's how the last overnight guest got caught so I steered clear of the bathroom. It was such a pain sneaking around like I was doing something illegal all week, but eventually the landlord caught me right after I took a shower. As I was opening the door to sneak back into the room, she was standing right there and I'd never been more scared in my life. An old jp woman, in her late 50s or so was standing there in traditional clothes and glaring me down. She asked who I was and then the room number and told me to leave immediately (I was in my pajamas, shivering, and it was 1 in the morning). I walk back to the room and about a minute later she knocks on the door and tells me that people can't stay over and what am I doing there and how did I get in and why haven 't I left yet. In the middle of her rampage, boyfriend comes around the corner and she confronts him. We stand there for about 15 minutes freezing to death because she says she doesn't know what to do since we don't know anyone I can stay with. She's wringing her wrists and looking off into the distance and I don't know why it's so difficult to just let me stay the night or why they even have such a rule. So she gives me the key to a room at the opposite side of the dorm and grills me about how I can't stay in his room and makes me cry because I'm telling her that I've missed him and I can't see him for a year and she just stands there in silence being an icy bitch. She leaves for a bit and boyfriend brings extra blankets and as he hugs me and we get kinda emotional because the short time we have gets cut even shorter she rushes in and tries to get him to leave. I go to sleep hating Japan just a little more.

Day?
Went to Osaka with boyfriend, flower girl, and her jp friends from Osaka. Got to the train station and went to eat delicious takoyaki and tried okonomiyaki for the first time (it was ok, but felt a little woozy afterwards). Talked to some very nice althout uber polite jp people (a 1st year engineering grad student and a 2nd year religious studies girl). Both were very proficient in english since they're both part of a club that focuses on practicing speaking english. Went to a tower (where I felt like an idiot because boyfriend and engineering guy told me they'd strap you to a rope and fling you up..there were two pole type things up there so in all likelihood that could have been probable). Went to get fried food on a stick in an area where two or three of the jp people said to watch out since there have been stories about pick pockets (made me disappointed since I've always thought that stealing does not exist in jp). Got fried garlic, fish, and meat on a stick (yummy, but 100Y each so I don't think I'd be able to afford it normally). It's interesting, the amount of money you pay here for a snack is the same price as meals back home. Went to a ramen place for dinner and it was amazing even though we'd eaten so much during the day. Did a rope love game with boyfriend where a couple stands at opposite ends of a bundle of ropes and each person pulls one to see if they connect...Nope. I guess I was supposed to cheat a little by tugging a little first to see if it was the right one but I was just too sure of myself.

Day?
Went to the Golden Pavilion which was really beautiful and a few days later we went to the silver one (which was unfortunately under construction) and the landscaping was really cool because they made sculptures out of sand all around the perimeter of the temple. Got dango and wandered around till we found the entrance to a hiking trail up Daimonji Mountain. 45 minute hike up the mountain to the place where they burn a huge Dai character into the side of the mountain.

Day?
Shopping, got a jp outfit for an ok price at a place that sounds like it was named after an STD (Nice Claup). Got ramen at a place near boyfriend's place but it wasn't as good as Osaka. Went to a ninja cafe and it was supposed to specialize in sweets (esp black "ninja" crepes) but I was not impressed. The 1500 Y ($15) 'buffet' included 2 types of sandwiches, pasta, paper thin pizza, and cheesy rice. Oh, and a salad bar. I liked the strawberry shortcake though. Oh! and the best part was the maze afterwards. We sign up and pay 200Y each to get flashlights and go through this paper shoji wall type maze to look for kanji scrolls throughout the maze. They give you a card and if you get a bingo, you win a prize. But the thing is, there were ninjas lurking around to scare the crap out of us (mainly me, while boyfriend maniacally laughed the whole time). There were wooden slats all along the top so that the ninjas could sit up there to scare you to. And the whole time this one girl ninja would run around yelling "neen neen!" It was kinda cute though, because when we found a scroll, there'd she be, up at the ceiling or right behind us to wave around a fan and say "congratulations! keep going!" But I swear, that one ninja had it out for me 'cause she found one that could scare easily because I noticed that she'd be there everytime we found something or ran into a dead end. At one point she was right behind me apparently and boyfriend motioned at her to keep quiet as I looked around for a ninja and they were both in on it just to see me jump fwoo. It was fun though!

Day?

Today was eh. We were supposed to hike around Nijo castle but got lost a lot and then I biked on a tack and we had to spend the rest of the day looking for a place to repair it (to no avail). We finally give up looking and buy repair stuff at a 100Y store. Run into an old man who owns a bike shop but then he tells us he was just closing (even though right before us we saw him help another lady with her bike..damn racist). We spend quite a while in the cold (oh that's right, we were both miserable because today was even more bitterly cold than usual with the winds). Boyfriend pulls an eagle scout and repairs the thing all the while doing the potty dance and we go on our way back home to a warmer place (it wasn't that much warmer). Ate a Yoshinoya for lunch-got beef with rice, cabbage salad, and miso soup. I was frustrated all day because people here are idiotic-I've run into three people so far because they don't (or apparently there isn't any) understand the convention of biking/walking on the left of you. I've been thinking (although some may call it heresy) that Japan is very much like Disneyland-it was so novel when I was younger, but the glitter has worn off by now. I am very happy to be next to the person I love, but I am done with the country for a very long time. I do not feel like I'm in a warm place here (literally and figuratively) the people are cold, the housing is usually crappy and crowded and there are certain customs that I just can't understand. PS the other day someone stole my filled water bottle that was sitting in my bike basket (what if it was my pee bottle? seriously, some people..). I had been thinking of leaving my hat there too because I trusted people here but I guess it's just like anywhere else. It's not fun, maybe because of the people I'm with (sans boyfriend of course), but I don't understand why there's such a hype surrounding Japan. It's not that amazing. The people I've met (excuse me for being judgemental) are rather repetitive and obnoxious, making for stinted and semi retarded conversations (even under the influence of alcohol for some reason). It's a strange combination..something like kimchee fermented in blue cheese. Or something..
Dinner time~

Visiting Jp to see Kuma chan

I forgot I was supposed to be writing about my trip but so much (and not much) has happened since I left so I've forgotten till now.

Day 0

Saturday: finished packing, had 2 wks worth of clothes, toiletries, food, money (exchanged at the bank a week before) to find out at 8:30 pm that my parents had put my passport in a safety deposit box at the bank (because people break in to steal passports/ID stuff). A good friend of mine was somewhat in the area and texted me but I couldn't reply because was in hysterics at this point. My ticket was super cheap (by its standards) so there weren't any refunds/exchanges and I had little hope that I was going at all since they say that even if for some reason the US airport lets you through security, once you get to Japan they'll just put you on standby and ship you home because you don't have the proper paper work. Both my parents and I call the bank through emergency numbers and customer service to get the same reply-that if the bank's closed there's nothing they could do (even in my hypothetical situation in which someone destroyed the bank , the guy said no one would be notified..really..). My dad even drove to the bank that night and stopped a police officer-from whom I got a strange phone call saying that they have no authority over such things and I should explain that to my dad. After an hour of sleep we go to the airport to see if we can change departure day and we did (to my and my parents' relief).

Day 1

Went to the airport to actually leave. It was strange, after being so excited for so long, I think that the previous night's mayhem wore off the novelty of travelling to see someone I loved. So I accidentally slept in till my dad came home to take me to the airport. 10 hour flight to Narita was so long but for some reason I didn't sleep at all and instead watched a bunch of movies (Inglurious Bastards, Timetraveller's wife-didn't finish because it was too stupid of a chick flick even for me, Up-cried again, Ironman-didn't realize he was such a gritty superhero, The Proposal and ate blah airplane food. Got to Tokyo and ran to the shuttle just in time to get to the checkpoint and then wait in the terminal for 2 hrs and then sit on the plane for another hour because someone forgot their luggage on the other plane. 4 hour flight to KIX, got there late so the shuttle people weren't there, ran around scared that I'd be stranded at the airport for a while but finally found the front desk for the shuttle and was able to check in . 2 hour car ride with a nice couple from Minnesota and some Japanese girls and got dropped off at 12:30 AM just in time to see boyfriend walk out the door. It was interesting because he looked so different, the expression he wore, the amount of weight he's lost, voices sound different online, hugs feel different too. Snuck luggage in and then went to sleep.

Day 2

Rode on the back of boyfriend's bike to school and got a warning from a bike officer because you're not supposed to (? saw a kid standing on the back of a girl's bike 2 days later and another nonchalant jp girl riding in the back of some guy's bike) do 2 people on a bike. So walked the rest of the way. I wandered around restaurants, convenience stores, and explored a book store while boyfriend was in class. Met up with him at 12: 15 for lunch and was kind of worried about meeting his so called friends. Got tempura udon (same as in the states) and awkwardly conversed with some people-the british drinker, a preppy aussie, quiet chinese guy, and of course the perpetually stoned girl (figuratively speaking). After lunch sat in a 1hr 50 min class on jp grammar which I was completely lost on except for picking out random kanji here and there and reading the hiragana/katakana bits. Sat there as I'm wondering what I'd rather being doing with my time here than watch these awkward advances. I feel out of place and want to be home. Went exploring (kind of) afterwards even though there was heavy rain to look for a bike I could use since transportation's kinda expensive. Had delicious all you can eat meat for dinner with boyfriend. It was delicious and I kinda felt bad for otherwoman#3 because there were 2 couples at the table and one super shy asian boy. Meat was amazing though (even if I got sick afterward, it was worth it). I wanted to see how they act after a night of debauchery but no one was in the mood for drinking so~till next time.

Day 3

Went to the Golden Pavilion and it was very beautiful with all of the gold leaf and gardens-I've always wanted to go there ever since I got a postcard with a picture of it. Figured out the bus system (kind of) today too. Took one wrong bus and then the rest went straight to the temple. Took a few pictures, went into the tourist traps (because looking at things is free) and had Mos Burger for lunch(so good! or maybe 'cause I was so hungry and the portions were small so it tasted better that way. But! It did explain why jp people are so skinny-tiny portions for fast food (which are expensive too) so when they do eat somewhat unhealthy it doesn't even have that big of an effect. Burgers were tinier than McDonald's and the fry/onion ring combo was 8 or 9 pieces.

Day 4

Went to a preschool to play with kids (and get rejected by them). I was pretty excited about this back when I was at home-going to play with preschoolers on Christmas day and making cookies with them. Yup, false advertising once again. We got there a little late because started out late and the place was very very far (even on bikes). So I'm all sweaty and I make a fabulous impression with fuzzy blue lint stuck to my face like a mustache and I'm sweating all over the place as I'm introducing myself to the teachers and the other students. We walk over to the preschool and the kids welcome us and sing Christmas songs to us and then we went around introducing ourselves. I need to work on my confidence because even after a quarter of jp1, I was too afraid to even introduce myself to a bunch of preschoolers. Then we went out to play soccer with the kids and I was a little upset this one chinese college student kept taking the ball away and making goals without letting the kids play. Some of the kids were pretty good, trying to score and defending the goal but a couple kids cried when they got knocked over or ball in the head. So we went back inside and played games with the kids/had question time then 2: 30 was cookie time (which came with dried persimmons and these really yummy dried fishies-which is so much better than plain cookies in the US). None of the kids wanted to talk/play with me and boyfriend though =( It made me sad. Although one little girl let us help her with a puzzle. We had really good lunch with the kids (chicken, salad, soup, and rice). It was kinda a terrible place to be in though-fighting with boyfriend, at a school where basically no one speaks my language, the kids are not happy/apathetic with me, and I just wanted to go home. After cookie time we played more games (or they played and I watched). Said goodbye (+songs) and walked out. Went wandering around Teramachi ( a shopping district that runs the length of several streets. Basically all the same things I've seen before, but this time we got yummy chicken things, a chocolate parfait (soo good) with boyfriend, AND takoyaki. It was amazing**. I've always wanted to have octopus balls but the last time I was in jp I wanted to get them and I had a horrible bloody nose so I sat in a McDonald's by myself for the rest of the day. Got star candies and a kuma chan/strawberry cell phone thing today. Will** do omiyage shopping tomorrow.

Hoes (not the garden variety)

I've been told that I write too much or too often. Both may be true but it's just that if I were to keep all these words from being spoken or written down, they'd clutter up my mind. It would become such that I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.

It's only a recent epiphany, but I've noticed that many of the postings regarding Kuma are reiterations. How boring. I'm running the same old lines and complaints and rants because the same crap keeps happening over and over again with slight variations; something like Nickelback's songs. If it bothers me I will write it down. Because bitterness and spite are not in my nature and when things remain bottled up for too long it begins to ferment and instead of getting wine you get vinegar. It's a bit sad that I can't just throw caution to the wind and let everything go because time just sweeps everything away and everything that happened last year is like a vague memory, something like a lucid dream rather than reality, (in actuality I wouldn't believe that it happened at all if I didn't have pictures to prove it). It had been ideal, a little too ideal. So the fates decided to make things interesting for me by putting my significant other in another country and then throw a lot of slutty women at him, (picture the crazy cat lady). It's come to the point that I'm not sure if a kiss is even safe.

I played the piano out of frustration for the first time in a while today. I really like playing the piano and doing tae kwon do because when I'm doing either of those things, I'm not thinking about anything else. I can't because it requires constant moving and readjusting and there's no room to think about anything but what's in front of me at the moment. Anyway, as I was playing, I looked at the family pictures on top of Schimmel and saw a picture of me with a huge cheesy grin on my face when I was 9 or so. I kinda miss those innocent days. It's a harsh world when other people begin to enter your bubble. You kind of go through the different stages of claustrophobia: the initial alarm, hyperventilation, passing out, and then acceptance..or maybe it's more like the stages of rehabilitation. I can't remember.

Everytime I go home it's like a breath of fresh air. My parents stopped arguing some years ago and my brother finally has a solid hold in high school so I don't have to protect him anymore. I go home to hang out with high school friends, fatherly figures, and my pets. There isn't anything complicated. And the air is actually breathable. Unlike IntraVenous, in which everything is polluted, either with pot or alcohol or sex, (although it's usually a sweaty amalgamation of all of the above). After a few days here I wonder if I'd rather just stay till the rest of my winter break to relax before the next quarter begins with all of its paperwork and headaches. My silly and half retarded roommates had been jealous when they heard about my trip, crooning about how fun it would be. Little did they know..sure, I am* going to be seeing my boyfriend (in person) for the first time since summer and it will* be going on a vacation of sorts so I'll more than likely enjoy sightseeing (even though I've already been there) and shopping (even though I have everything I need) but** I will also be seeing/meeting all of the whores he's been hanging out with. I'm not one to restrain from expressing my opinion. And oh dear Lord I have never wanted to slap someone across the face so badly, (even though I know 3 different types of martial arts to efficiently handle myself in a fight and not have to resort to girl fighting ie. pulling hair, scratching and other low life behavior).

I won't be the one to tell because there is a reason for certain social norms (like telling people when their girl/boyfriend is/has cheated on them. But I feel sorry for that guy. To be with such a girl. How unfortunate. I won't feel sorry for myself, though if it were to happen to me. Because I'd move on and just forget anything ever happened. Distance and time might make the heart grow fonder, but only to a certain extent. Exceeding that extent leads to suspicion or apathy or passively waiting for the tearful call when ohI'msosorryIdidn'tmeantoitjustkindof happened and we accidentally kissedmadeoutscrewed. It's all the same. I've known emotional cheats, friends who turn on you, (not to sound melodramatic but for lack of a better word..).

I don't know, it's just like adding potassium to water-you know what's going to happen but you do it anyway because explosions are cool to see. I'm waiting for ABCX slut to make her move and ruin everything. Although tentative plans are just that, not written in stone, not even worth making a note of. It's just something you say offhandedly to make the future seem more hopeful. I was hopeful of the future once until I realized what's more than likely going to happen. Delicious it's not the appropriate word to use after such a thought, but I just really like that word because it can make anything sound perverted. Kind of. Anyway, I'll be leaving the day after tomorrow so we'll just have to see how things go. Stupid stupid stupid slutty girls with innocent facades. They drip with debauchery and it disgusts me to even look at them. I wonder if I can even control my expressions when talking to them, although 12 years of ninja training makes it assuredly so. But still, gah I wonder why I couldn't lose him to someone more intelligent. Because that's just an insult, to be compared/replaced with a supposedly 20 year old who dresses/acts/speaks like a 17 year old who just discovered what sex is-indiscriminately screwing around, (usually with other people's men). Sigh such a thought makes me not want to be involved anymore. Life is about to get a lot more serious very soon and I don't want or need these niggling thoughts at the back of my head. It's mentally draining and makes me fall asleep at inconvenient times and then I'm up at times I should be dreaming but instead I'm wondering when, (or if) he'll even come back or maybe he'll just sleep over at one of the whores' houses and they'll accidentally do something because alcohol releases inhibitions and he's just another 23 year old guy with needs and it's easy to get caught up in the smoke and grit and grinding. That's what clubs are right? Places to let loose and get into the mood until debauchery seems less of an option than a commitment because everyone else is doing it and you don't want to be different, right?

PS The hat I made for mister panda fits perfectly but he doesn't like his ears folded back (because it doesn't have ear holes).


Disclaimer: Well, this is less of a disclaimer than a note. All of the above is true.

It's sprinkling outside

I guess I can be horribly reckless sometimes without meaning to. Like today, where I was cleaning out the garage and my mum had moved a bunch of her plumerias so they'd be out of the way and when I was done I closed the automatic garage door without a second thought..until the motion sensor made the door open again. I go over and look and two branches have broken off and there's sap spurting out like an open wound and the plant's sitting there bleeding like it's mocking me like it's saying haha look what you did mom's going to be mad. Well she was pretty torn about it and puttering around looking for stuff to make the sap stop running and I felt really guilty but when she's like this I can't really do anything to make it better.

In 3 days I'll be leaving. I'm excited of course, but just a little hesitant. I might just run my mouth or something along the lines of that simply because I think that if words are kept locked up, it will make you sick with regret from holding back what was meant to be said. I will be honest without any extents because if something is wrong or affecting me than it needs to be said. Call it woman's intuition or ESPN, whatever you call it. Even if it can't be proven, I think it exists because I've always been able to read people pretty well. Based on their actions or words or even a smile. It's silly but it might be a survival mechanisms because I can tell when people have malicious intent or if they had a troubled past. Similarly, I can read girls especially well..if they're dishonest or sleep around. I can tell it's a facade when they play the innocent card because I've known too many guys who fell for it. There are men too, who cheat and use women. Because I've known a few myself. People have told me not to go because in all likelihood I'll get used or end up getting hurt in other ways. I might seem naive at times but I'm not the sort to take abuse because I'm the one that leaves. Presently I get jealous from time to time because he's not here for me to voice my opinion or walk away. I respect people that much, that I wouldn't start a fight or finish a relationship online or though the phone. There won't be any intermediates because I'm not afraid of confronting people. Like that one time I was frustrated but there was nothing I could do because there was 7,856 miles between us and I couldn't tell certain girls to stay the fuck away from my boyfriend. I know they're bad people because good people don't exclude others or screw with other guys while their boyfriend's away. It takes a blind and deaf person to think otherwise. And an even worse person to compare me to one of them. I don't think I'll ever try this again. It's just too exhausting.

Disclaimer: My word vomits usually reflect the intensity of inthemoment rants; my rebound rate is and always will be a day at the very most. So I'll be cooled off by the time How the Grinch Stole Christmas is on tv or when I backhand other woman's whorish face, whichever one comes first.

Liar Liar

I don't understand why the people who deserve things more than anyone else are denied such things until late in life. It's not fair that people who have everything get to keep taking whereas those who ask for the simplest things, the smallest things to be happy, are rejected again and again. I don't know if based on the fact that the universe thrives on disorder or if it's just that there are sadistic forces out there, but it doesn't make any sense to me. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite myself. I could have done something so that other people would have been happy at this point in time but I was selfish and a coward because that would have meant giving up my own happiness. People are terrible creatures sometimes. Someone once said that of all the animals, people are the worst since they are the only ones that are capable of being cruel.

I hate being ignored. Yell, scream, get frustrated at me, but at least we’re communicating. I hate not being heard..it’s as if my very existence is being denied. Being lied to is pretty annoying too. I’m not so weak or ignorant that I can’t accept or see through it.

Another thing that’s bothering me at the moment: watching people try to be Japanese. Seriously, is your own country and culture not enough that you have to idolize another country for some inane reason? I am not Japanese and I'm proud of my own culture, language, and family (just as Japanese people are proud of theirs). I think that's part of why it bothers me so much when, within the first minute of meeting me, cute guys or semi intelligent looking girls ask me if I'm japanese. Fuck you. I'm not, and I wish that people wouldn't just lump me into a group because I look a certain way or if you're ignorant enough to not even know what a Japanese person looks like. My relationship just might go up in flames if my own culture is pushed aside as I am expected to conform to a certain group of people that I don't even belong to. I don't aim to dress like or have the same mannerisms as a Japanese girl. When people say that I look or act like such, it pisses me off because who I am as a person just amalgamated into some generic asian girl. I do not feel like a special snowflake at the moment.

12/15/09

I feel like an old lady sitting on my bed crocheting next to my purring cat.
And yet I'm perfectly ok with it.
Especially when I saw my grades ~hell yeah I deserve this break. I was very, very afraid that I would be given something I did not deserve this Christmas. Especially when I heard my dad puttering about at 5:30 this morning as he got ready for work..which he does 6 days a week even though he turned 71 this year. It makes me very sad when I can't reach my own expectations because it will be as if all of the work and sacrifices my parents put into raising me was for nothing. Recently I've gotten frustrated with my younger brother. I know it's wrong and that sometimes things just come very easily to certain people. But when I study for hours on end to the point of exhaustion and not eating because I don't have time, it upsets me to see someone who can just lie there watching tv or playing video games till 2 in the morning during finals week and still pull a 4.29. Very frustrating indeed. But I guess I just need to learn how to be a better person and try my hardest. When I was little I remember hiding in the bathroom during days in which I brought my report card home because I was afraid my parents would rebuke me for getting a C- in english or not participating in class enough (I was..and still am, really shy). It wasn't so much that they yelled at me, but their disappointment terrified me. I think that for a long time, the only reason I was able to motivate myself into working was because of guilt. I wanted to be the kind of person my parents could be proud of and my brother could look up to. So even though it was just a paper to a lot of people, those things could make me very depressed. I gave up a social life and a big part of developing, I think, to spend time doing what I thought was important. And maybe it will be worth it some day. As long as it pays off in the long run that's all that matters since I never hurt anyone but myself along the way.

Dolls

I never thought I would be compared to a Real Doll...

how degrading.

Monday, December 14, 2009

It might be a little selfish or maybe even childish, but I've always thought it's very comforting when people worry about me. I read somewhere once where a woman wrote, "If only someone were waiting for me". I really like it when people wait for me either at home or at the trainstation (or that one time at the airport) because then those are the places that I get to look forward to coming back to. Like the place where I'm living at now, the people there clearly don't want me there and so it's not the most loving place to come back to. I spend most of my time out simply because I don't want to go back to the apartment. I love the idea that there are people who worry because they genuinely care about you, (as sadistic as that sounds). When I found out that someone actually cared without the promise of anything in return, it made me overjoyed (?) ecstatic (?). I felt as if it's okay that I'm here in this situation, as long as there are people to help me along the way so it doesn't seem so lonely. I think that's my greatest fear..being left alone for some reason.

Another thought..

I really hate it when people who know that they have the ability to say things that can destroy you and do it anyway. Because they're the most important person to you and so every little thing they say can either make you the happiest person in the world or depressed enough to just go back to sleep and not want to get out of bed. It shouldn't be that way. I hate words because they can have such a strong effect on me but at the same time, most of the time they don't mean anything but can still be used to manipulate people. I'd rather be shown something then be told things. It's silly, but I think that's why I like animals so much. My dogs and cat never say a word, and maybe it's just coincidence, but when I'm sad they always know to sit next to me for hours or put a paw on my leg to let me know they're there, (even if they just fall asleep and start snoring on my lap).

People are just too difficult to deal with sometimes. You worry about impressing them- how you dress, how you hold a conversation, personal accomplishments and the like for Mr. Panda I can have bed head, morning breath and chub and he couldn't care less as long as I pat him on the head. If I don't work out for three days I start putting on weight and worry about how I'm supposed to get it off because at this stage in life, in all honesty, most relationships are based on physical attraction. And when the connective tissue starts falling apart and the oxygen radicals start taking their toll, the sht hits the fan and who I am as a person starts coming off less cute and more of an annoying overly emotional girl.

I love my family and I know they love me unconditionally because they've shown me so many times. I really hope I don't make a mistake and ignored any gut reactions I should've gone with in the beginning.

Went to the dentist today. I wonder if people know that there are certain times in which it is not appropriate to discuss the price of milk or where this year's best Christmas parties are..like when they're holding sharp pointy objects..which are hovering over someone's mouth. After the teeth cleaning my dentist told me my gums bled and that I should floss more. I wonder if I should have told her that it was probably from her going over the same gum line for ten minutes as she told her assistant about a recipe she had..since I floss everyday. Grah the incompetence.

I had thought my parents were worried about me because I'm a girl and they never know what's going to happen abroad (begin story of a british lady who idealized Japan and left the country to teach english, hop on a train one day, have some guy notice her and become a home tutor for him and not come home to her room mates one day, who call the cops and go to the guy's house to see him flee the scene of a bloody bathroom and 1 british lady in the bath tub, two years later they find him (after having some plastic surgery done) and justice has yet to be served). On a less drastic and more realistic level, they just worry about me getting hurt and getting too carried away and being the one who is more involved. It's happened before, when I'm all business and completely committed..only to have the other person bail on me. I realized how unreliable people can be when I was little. I don't think I would be able to let that happen to me, but you never know, love and emotions are fickle things.

All You Need is Lettuce

Hmm..I think you know you've chosen the right one when they'll do anything to keep you from being sad.

Or when their subconscious tells them that they just want to see your smile (even though what they're doing at the moment doesn't even involve you).

Love really changes people, and if it's really love, that change is always a good thing.

What I mean is, (not to sound arrogant as if I've gone about changing people), that is I'm not depressed anymore.

The Trouble with Ko

I wonder what it would be like if instead of buying food by the pound or ounce, food was sold by the calorie. And to pay for food, you'd have to work it off by burning calories-ergo manual labor in the food factories. There you go-obesity problem solved.


And in response to

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesn't get your humor like I do

Well, Taylor Swift apparently doesn't know the kind of things some boyfriends can say. I like her music because it's upbeat and optimistic, but at the same time it's terribly antiquated and clueless about reality. Any sane girl/woman would get upset if her boyfriend talked about a planned break up out of convenience or that so and so is better looking or makes better food or how that one time he got drunk with her and did X Y and Z (without being prompted to do so). The latter is like a stab in the face by the way.

It's drama perhaps, but usually it's more like problem resolution and the word drama is used as an effect.

Meh.

Study Break

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know you feel the same now
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now

It's cold and rainy outside but my heart feels warm-I didn't know that was possible. I come back to a bunch of cold and indifferent girls who ruin my life but there are friends waiting to take care of me. Sometimes all you need is a phone call or a fortuitous meeting.

I've told the story of The Meeting two or three times in the past couple months and everytime it manages to make me and the other person smile. I am lucky to have something (or more specifically, someone) to look forward to, otherwise certain situations would be made all the more depressing..like seeing the Christmas Party list on the fridge in my apartment and not having my name on it. It's as if I don't even live there. I'm so very lucky to have finals and the loving boyfriend and friends to occupy my time otherwise the ignored Have a good day's would probably start to get to me. People can be very cruel. I wish to be in a place where I'm happy to go home at the end of the day, actually it should be the highlight of my day and what I look forward to as I go about my day because that's where the people I love are waiting for me. That would be nice, to be in a place like that.

I remember when I was little, the most comforting sound in the winter was the dull roar of the furnace, because that sound and the smell of warm blankets (my mum would put them in the dryer right before my brother and I would go to sleep and wrap us in them with a hug) always meant that there are people who unconditionally love me under that house. I was very lucky to be in such a place for so long. It was a comforting feeling but I guess everyone has to go through a second birth of sorts..The World Pt. 1 and then The World Pt. 2: Vengeance.

It would be amazing to come home to wagging puppy tails and a big kiss from both puppies. Be able to watch TV without the lingering smell of a skunk in the living room and go to sleep nice and warm. Argh, I would do anything* for some couch cuddling time with my puppy.

*Excludes sexual favors, anything that would destroy my dignity or career, or harm others in any way (including labradoodles).

..another thought: I wish people would stop drinking and play with me.

Replay

I just found out that someone I care about was going through something really difficult and I wasn't there for him. It was because I was too caught up in my own business that I didn't pay attention to someone who needed me and I really wish I had known and wasn't so caught up in my own selfishness. I was supposed to be there for him but I wasn't but he's always been there for me and I hope I can make up for it...

“What day is it today?”

“December 9, Pearl Harbor was 2 days ago.”

"..."

-a prelude to a Japanese lit final

With friends like this, it's even more depressing to go back to an apartment in which we have nothing in common and the conversations are stinted and the nights are loud with animalistic debauchery.

Well, then...I am very lucky to have someone and I know that, but sometimes I just wish there wasn't this distance because then I wouldn't have to deal with frustrations involved with a computer screen interface. It's dehumanizing. I forget the person..or at least that's what I'm afraid of. I don't miss the hugs or kisses because I don't remember them and that scares me because those were the best times in my life and I don't it to become as if that it never happened.

Last year, for the first time, everything just fit so perfectly. Everything was in place, I was deliriously happy with the people I was with and the things I was doing..I used to be constantly stressed thinking about the future, the tests, making my family proud of me, how I'd correct a misunderstanding at work, I was always running around my (good) roommates never got to see me and I was too busy to ever find someone in classes. But the latter prevented any additional stress I couldn't deal with at the time so I guess that was a good thing.

But it was also very lonely.

I remember seeing my friends find someone who eventually became important to them..sometimes finding three people at a time and her only concern was who to pick. And then there were also girls who switched around because they got bored. People are very interesting. I never really felt like I fit in..I felt more at home looking at the stars or when I'm swimming and the world is put on mute or when I'm playing with dogs/cats/birds/wallabies. I thought it would always be like that, having awkward conversations because my sense of humor is just so odd or the way I string words together just doesn't mesh with the other person. Granted there were a bunch of friends I could let it all out and be just myself. Those were my detoxifying sessions. Because life with normal people is just too boring. You never learn anything new, there are always the same overused words, less than average things to do for fun. I was surprised I could find all that in one person though. I guess I wasn't a good enough person to keep him. Oh well, at least I was good enough to meet him.

With the graduation of friends, last year seems more and more like a dream than anything. Maybe it was a lucid dream after all. Every so often I wonder if I just got really bored one day and pulled a Fight Club to keep myself preoccupied/motivated.

For the longest time I was sure that I wasn't girlfriend material-my roommate had to teach me how to use mascara, I use bio/chem lecture material as icebreakers, I wear clothes from eighth grade, you can't tell if I'm coming or going, I have an unnatural obsession with slightly off analogies, I like fighting for fun more than any girl should, I study too much, I get friend zoned within 5 minutes of meeting a guy (which is ironic (?) because ever since I've gotten a boyfriend, random guys (although only the worse ones) hit on me now and then..I like to argue because it's good for you, I have some pretty weird and maybe annoying quirks but you wouldn't be able to tell because I'm asian and usually preoccupied with my own thing, so I'm lumped into the quiet and shy/unapproachable/boring group.

On the worst days when I felt so alone even though I had a bunch of friends around me and I didn't want yet another guy friend, I'd listen to Gotta be Somebody, and it would make everything better. Kind of. Well, it inspired the idea of hope at the very least. It sucked going to sleep alone because even though I'd never done it, I just had a feeling that it would be amazing to go to sleep right next to someone you loved and you knew they loved you back. In a nice warm bed with someone you love-I don't think anything could be better. Unless you had some gummy bears and chocolate chip cookies on a boat. I also had a very idealistic image of the boyfriend (see The Notebook, Absolute Boyfriend,..) but I guess it wasn't that idealistic in the end since I was never more content with any single person to spend that much time and it still wasn't enough even if it was just sitting on him, or scratching his head or feeling his heartbeat while he was sleeping..hmm I think what I have is less of a boyfriend and just a very expensive puppy..that you sit on..er never mind.

For the future, my greatest wish is to be with the one I love (and he loves me back just as much). Because my career is in my own hands and under my control, but you can't force someone to love you and I don't want to go through this alone.

But above all, I want everyone to be happy, whatever that may be.

It's cold

Your message will be saved for 1 day.

Fwoo~I wish memories could be saved for longer than that; even if it's just a recording of a voice. It sounds silly, but sometimes a person's voice is all you need.

I noticed I'm a bit of a crybaby sometimes but someone loves me anyway. I'm lucky, if you can call it that. I got really frustrated last night because my roommates were going at it like animals and I didn't understand why someone I truly cared about wasn't there at the moment to keep me warm when the electricity's out. I found myself getting deeply judgmental and even though it was wrong, I still got really upset by the fact that there are these girls, who hook up with random guys every other weekend, bring them home to have sex and that's all or cheat on their boyfriend of 2 years and yet..they still get someone to be by there side. While the one I love is lightyears away..and the only time I can see him is when my internet connection-computer is cooperating or in my dreams. It's so frustrating at times it makes me want to give up. But I can't.

Backup

I really hate people who have everything handed to them and don't even acknowledge the fact that there are those who struggle to get by or to get where they are. It may even be worse since there are those who befriend these people to take advantage of them (friends with benefits in a sense). Cheap people disgust me. I'd rather work until I die than sell myself out so easily because it would degrade my parents if I were to do so after they sacrificed everything for me.

I know people who skip meals because they can't afford to buy food and there are other people I know who spend 100s on a meal because they can and the stupid idiots who want to date these people because of their money (or how they look in a mini skirt).

I don't have anything (yet) except for being driven and a need to help people. It's less noticeable I guess, than say, giving free alcohol/food/expensive gifts or dressing slutty to win people over.

It's a very confusing place to be in. The genuinely good people are generally treated like leftovers and second rate while those who are truly immoral or just bad to begin with are valued. At this stage in life I suppose physical attraction is the main criteria in determining how things will go (even if the majority of things that come out of their mouth is rubbish) and everything else like a sense of morbid humor or even intelligence is just an extra. I am wondering if that was why someone (the wiser one between us) told me not to expect anything of major importance come out of young love seeing as it's usually infatuation or a physical need to be satisfied (cuddling or sex..I guess a puppy and a vibrator could do just as well as a replacement..or you can go all out and get an amorphous robotic cuddling buddy >>see creepy video<<). At this point in life it's more of an animalistic need than anything that can carry through life..there are no financial or moral burdens involved (usually involved with jobs, children, housing). So it's an experience of sorts. A lot of men I know are stupid, materialistic fools who are so easily swayed by a touch or sweet words. I have yet to meet someone who can see through all the haze or choose me first but when it happens I'll know.

**Note: These thoughts are just a study session-induced spontaneous word vomit. I am not describing any specific individual.

Spring and a Storm

Mr Moon?

Yeah?

Tell us about the sky

The sky, is deep and dark and eternally high
Many people think that's where you go when you die

Do you?

Well I think you return to obscure
Or wherever you were
Before you were
But I won’t let you lose yourself
In the rain

It's silly and nonsensical, but just now I realized that I (we)'ll never be able to go back to those times. Hanging out and watching TV, listening to attempts at learning the guitar, FLCL in the background, Tally Hall, a year of complete confidence and comfort (?) with friends, lackadaisical and thinking it would all go one forever. Well, at least it went out with a bang.

So many memories I'd like to relive, but the more I think about them, the more they become less real, and it becomes more like trying to squeeze a handful of sand to keep it from escaping.

I wonder if I will ever come to miss the time spent right now... Probably not, seeing as I'm still caught up in last year. I'll still hope for the future, though.

Rewind.


Earlier, I was thinking about how I'm usually the one to be picked last..for kickball, reading groups in school, someone to talk to, or as a girlfriend. It kinda sucks when you're a second choice. A personified Merced. I guess I'm just not that special. Or maybe I am and just don't exude I don't know. I can't see the card stuck on my forehead.

Still, it kind of sickened me when I noticed that I'm not the first person to say his name in that way. And how he accepted it so easily. I'm just another person in line it seems.
Oh well, I am adamant to make this happy.

Fwuah

I wish to be silly with you.

Hello!

I just realized that the song Here in Your Arms by Hellogoodbye is about our lives together up to now..kinda slow.

Well you are the one, the one, 
That lies close to me. 
Whispers, "Hello, 
I've missed you quite terribly." 
I fell in love, in love, 
With you suddenly. 
Now there's no place else, 
I could be, but, 
Here in your arms. 

Not Fair

It's not fair because even when I'm mad at you, I find myself wondering what you're doing right now, and if you're having more fun with them than when you were with me.

Realization

Today I realized that my hands are cold because he's not here to hold them.

An Unnatural Obsession with Bunnies

I was thinking and,

I was slightly horrified by the fact that there is an eyeshadow modeled after the color of Edward's eyes.. seriously?

Whenever I use a towel that has some kind of picture printed on it, I try to hang it right side up, because that's how my day will go.

I avoid mirrors in the dark because of the whole Bloody Mary thing.

I'd rather be too warm than too cold.

I'd like to fly a kite at night.

I still wear clothes from eighth grade.

I tell jokes that aren't very funny so people don't laugh and I always want to wait four or five minutes later to laugh at an inappropriate time but I'm afraid of weirding people out.

I really don't like (but can't live without) tech stuff.

I like the idea of being able to keep records of memories (written, pictures, or video) because when all is said and done, you can look back and say, 'yeah, I was really happy at that time and place with this person once'.


On another tangent..


I wonder if there comes a point in which surprises become the norm such that it's no longer fun..much like promises made to be broken. I wonder if that's why some people decide to live as hermits-there is something close to a guarantee of never being let down. When other people are involved in your life things get much too complicated. It's like my sensei said once-you love each other, you'll be with each other forever but then it doesn't end up that way.

I feel like I'm being tugged along sometimes like that poor bird they keep on a rope-it dives to catch fish but never gets to keep them. It's like hearing I love you, I want to be with you, but only if there's an ocean between us and we can talk online so I'll be back in 3,4 years maybe... (cue evil laughter). Besides any work done on my part to actively be with him I can honestly say that I don't think I'll ever see him. Kinda got screwed over by falling in love with someone who loves to indulge in excessive drinking and traveling (usually simultaneously). Maybe it's a good thing that there is this distance (most likely indefinitely) because when the time comes when I realize that the distance will never end, I can just go cry to my friends and occupy myself with work. Half expected this outcome anyway.

Bunnies.

It's a shiny new day

It started out with holding hands (she started it), which progressed to a kiss (he started it). Then the naps, walks, movies and fights (playful)--until he had to leave. Playful banter and then full on fights across a glass screen, but that wasn't enough to break it because on November 26 at 4:38 am (9:38 pm), two lovers an ocean apart fell asleep-together.

I really like going shopping even if I'm not going to buy anything sometimes (emphasis on sometimes..I haven't gone shopping since 4 years ago so that's probably why I had fun yesterday). It's silly, but I love going out during the holiday shopping season and seeing everyone with their families or spouses or special people. I love the free hot chocolate and candy canes and the cold air filled with lights. And the couples..being all couply. Uwah. It makes me wish my special person was there. But I digress.

I like spotting the shopping scams or I guess the would call them flourishes. At the Banana Republic, for instance, there are huge signs saying Cashmere Sweaters Buy 1 get 1 FREE. And of course it turns out that the sweaters are $69.95, That's another thing, does making something an odd number ie. X.95 make it cheaper? As if $99.99 is so much better than buying something that's $100.00..

Unfortunately, I, like so many others indulged. Kinda felt like a hedonist afterwards, but I got stuff for other people! Really! Ok, more like ideas for the last minute shopping I'll do a week before Christmas, but still.. the best thing I got was 2 pairs of bunny socks. Bunny socks. I got really excited about that. And tights for winter (which I haven't worn since that mishap in second grade during the Christmas play..I had to go to the bathroom really badly and the play was really really long, but let's not talk about that).

I think I have more accessories than actual clothes I can wear everyday. Like costume jewelry or shoes. I noticed when I got home that there are several pairs of shoes I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to wear with..although two go well with a yukata/kimono and then another with a sarong..or something. I don't buy things I want when they're not on sale. So usually I end up buying a lot of junk (that I kind of want or might find a use for in the future) when there's a sale, (as in 70% off).

He brought up that I'm more optimistic at home. And I agree, it seems as if the people I currently live with bring out the worse in me. It's hard to come home happy when the people you live with don't especially want you there or just leave you behind to excessively drink/smoke into the wee hours of the morning. I was really surprised when I came back to my room and everything smelled so clean except for the faint smell of kahfu incense. I had forgotten that there are places and people who don't smell like alcohol and pot/cigarette smoke. I'm going back there tomorrow..

The one thing I don't like about home is the internet..which times out every other minute. When I'm trying to do important things~very important things, such as helping a certain person. It's so very frustrating when the one thing I can do to feel closer to the one I love backfires because of technical difficulties. It'll be over soon though, I hope. And I hope we'll be happy together for a very long time. It just upsets me that there has to be this year long gap when I waited so long to meet him. Harumph. It's like getting a puppy on Christmas day, playing with it for a week and then getting it taken away, to be told that you have to wait till next Christmas to see him. Not fair.