Typety type

4/26/10 23:53 cloudy, foggy

You're the only thing that's missing here.

It's terribly lonely to be the one left behind. The people who leave never have to deal with that, although I'm sure they have to deal with their own problem. I never got to know how my brother felt when I left him behind to go to college. I was never put in the position so that the only thing I had for consolation was a cat. I guess everything goes full circle at some point.

He's out playing badminton or something at the moment and I wonder how many smiles I've missed in the past almost-year. Shared food, hugs, jokes, judo pins, adventures, sunsets, naps, dances in the kitchen, food expeditions, I love you's..it feels as if I've lost a lot to distance. There are so many experiences that drift by with time, without my permission. People really are helpless. The universe just goes on existing and something like debilitating depression, losing a family member, or getting in an accident can feel like the world is crashing down on your head but existence just goes on nonchalantly. I remember hearing about a woman who lost her husband to pneumonia while he was away on a business trip and she wondered why the world was so uncaring because she lost him and all of a sudden was a single mother. Isn't such a tragic event supposed to pause everything?

You know the beginning of Sleeping In? That's the sound my heart's making right now (at the risk of being labeled as emo(?) for a song reference).

Went to the gym today and as usual, I was in zen mode as I tried my best to get stronger. Despite this, I'm still self conscious and I swear a few guys kept staring at me. It brought me back to my mindset from a few years back-that men are dangerous and dirty. I felt disgusted when I wondered whether they were thinking, she's cute, I wonder how she is in bed. Not to sound presumptuous or anything, I've just heard those words come out of another man's mouth before. I don't think of myself as anything amazing, I'm just an average person trying to better myself. But I do think that there are those who can be blinded by preconceived ideas about my race and would notice me without knowing anything about me.

Iced my shoulders right after the gym because I think I've severely injured both this time and it's not going to take just a few days to recover when I can barely raise my arms above my head.

Today I slept a little too much during my nap. The pull of dreaming is like sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised. I need to stop avoiding things.

Felt completely stupid while attempting to learn a new skill..how is it that I always manage to run into problems that even the instructor has never seen before?~Excel class

Lab 1 took only 40 minutes to weigh and flush the rats. I'm proud of that. I'm also happy with the fact that I'm starting to make an effort to learn the details about the research project.

Lab 2 took 5 minutes because there was only 1 dissecting tool in the sink so I won't get paid today.

I wonder why I'm more driven to go to the job that I don't get paid for.. maybe because I get more respect as a research assistant than a dishwasher? I want to learn enough so that I can get a respectable job. I won't be able to help everyone I want if I don't have the power to. So even if I want to give up when it starts to get frustrating, I know I have to keep moving forward and get that piece of paper.

Ate way too much smoked salmon today..

Today's meeting went well, but only because I had someone else there with me. I wish I could speak better. I think it's the kind of thing that you have to learn with time, and all of the work I'm currently involved in is most definitely helping me. I need to break the habit of only being comfortable around people I know well..whenever it's a professional atmospher, the suits and ties and shelves filled with books and framed papers on the wall intimidate me. All of my words get tied up..

Looked over past records out of curiosity and it was like re-igniting how I felt at that moment in time. Feeling used or lied to, all the bad things come up to the surface far too easily. I feel upset it took so long for me to be appreciated for who I am. I wonder if given the choice I'd do it all over again. Because I wasn't as in control of my feelings as I thought I was and maybe I should have just walked away that fall afternoon. From the very beginning, the odds were against everything. A house built on sand just goes downhill from there. I hope the times I've felt loved outweighs the times I felt used. Although I wonder how my ignorance factors in-the many months I thought everything was equivalent but it turned out that I was the only one to throw myself into the situation..it's like crossing a rickety bridge with someone saying, I'm right behind you and you get to the middle and turn around and they're long gone. It's difficult to know if they were ever there in the first place.

I read about a woman who recently found out her husband has been having an affair for several months (ironically when I was browsing around for relationship advice). It was such a complicated situation I'm not sure how or if I'd be able to deal with it. Her husband is a doctor and while she was arguing with her husband in the elevator, she noticed a heavily pregnant woman. The next day her husband calls her from work telling her how the pregnant woman's husband was his patient and had passed away. Husband guy stays at work for longer hours, wife gets suspicious and confronts him, he admits to sleeping with her but he wants to work things out by going into counseling. Wife confronts other woman, who cries and apologizes. Both women have children, the husband has children with his legal wife and a reputation to uphold, so where do you go from there? Such complex lives..

I've noticed that I have a tendency to either completely idealize past events or pick out everything that was wrong. I wonder if I can see things objectively when I'm the one getting hurt. I wonder if things would have worked out if he had stayed, or if the lazing around would eventually get to me. I wonder if this is being drawn out.

It's a little late, and I might be rambling. But I never seem to know what my thoughts are till I sit down and wordvomit. I feel sick.

Fried Eggs

In being vulnerable, you risk judgment, but more importantly, you chance being understood.

You want someone creative.
You need someone you can trust.

You want someone who shares your love of jazz.
You need someone who appreciates some of your interests.

You want someone who is athletic and physically active.
You need someone who accepts you even if you let your body go.

4/21/10 21:31 sunny-rainy-sunny

I am currently sitting in the library, with the worst headache I've had in a while. My head's pounding but I can't call it quits yet because there's still too much work to do. That, and I have about a million things running around my head, persistent and refusing to sleep. I wonder if I should be worried about the fact that my current jobs are motivating me to do better in school so that I won't end up

Fwoo and philosphy

Biking home today to see my puppy (<3)>

I was also wondering if every organism in this world is linked by similar receptors, but differing on the analog level. Er, such as scent..I wonder if the olfactory sensors for humans are the same but different from other animals due to their different niches and necessary functions. Ie. excrement is considered foul, disease ridden, and something to be avoided since the smell is associated with something bad. In contrast, rats eat their own feces to obtain/recover Vitamin K, complex B, and biotin. Presumably, the smell doesn't get to them. The smell of rotting carcasses would send people running because it would be an indicator of a potentially harmful situation. However, vultures and other scavengers feed off of maggot infested dead and decomposing animals.I wonder what it would smell like from their point of view..Life is strange indeed.

PS It seems as though it's never enough time. An hour or four..it seems as though there are always things to talk about, or laugh and sometimes cry..stupid relativity. I just want to be happy, and I want everyone else to be happy too. That would be nice. It does appear to be a lifetime pursuit for this happiness. At this point in time there would be nothing better than going to sleep next to the one I love and waking up next to him..only to have him wake up to glance over at me, grunt, and then roll over..greeeat. But, it's always nice to be in a relationship with someone you can be completely comfortable with and joke about anything with. I've always wanted someone like that. I miss him terribly.

Revelations

The most depressing thing I heard today: Dial Own.

Good thought of the day: exercise makes me very sleepy ergo no insomnia.

Happy event of the day: found something very important in the same place someone advised me to look for.

In other news:

This internet is a double edged sword..being able to see him at random times during my day makes me the happiest I can be, but it also wrenches something fierce. I think of wringing out a towel and that's probably what this stupid metaphysical organ feels like when I just want to reach out to touch his face or go in for a hug but there's this stupid screen in the way. I guess I should be thankful for the good days, though, when I can even see his face since sometimes the internet's so crappy there's a time lag or sound is static-y (problems I never knew about prior to embarking on this thing). Which brings me to something of major importance to a small percentage of the population..will someone please* tell me why no one has invented a transporter yet!? Oh, the frustration of loneliness. I'll acknowledge the fact that I'm lucky enough to have someone. But it doesn't make the sad go away.

Working out

Went to the gym today and it gave me a lot to think about. While running there, I felt very weak since I could barely keep up with my pacer near the end. I never realized how much it bothered me to only see someone's back as I'm going somewhere with them-it's as if I'm being left behind. On a side note, I was remembering the other day how a few years ago, in my third undergrad psy class, my friend gave me his headphones to have me listen to a song about eminem. I remember it was a very sad song, but just to be weird I said, "I like abandonment". In hindsight this is almost like some kind of cruel universe karma business. I remember at the time I had said that I liked books and other media that have abandonment as one of their underlying themes. Obviously that's not true. But I regret saying it in the first place. It's kind of like in that movie, P.S. I Love You, in which the girl tells her husband, "I'll have my next husband do it."

I whine and complain about the situation, but I don't do anything about it. It's frustrating and hopeful all at the same time. I think that I'm with someone who is the biggest bed slug I've ever met, shallow beyond belief ('she was really cute'..just words but it hurts like nothing else), gassy, really gassy, a rather loud mouthbreather, has a hard time listening/paying attention to anything that's not on a screen, and thinks that Styrofoam rings are a sign of eternal love (as a half joke) and yet I wouldn't be able to leave this person. I would be very sad to not have someone I can talk to about anything.

Ran into one of my old friends from the ochem days and she was working out to get over a breakup that was 5 years too late. She was happy, and I'm happy for her. I don't know if I'd be able to do it-to be in love with this..guy..man child..cuppy cake..for five years and then to transition to friends. I really don't think I'd be able to do it. If it were to break off, it would have to be a clean break otherwise I would drive myself insane trying to find someone else like him. It would be difficult I think, to find someone as cruelly blatant, eccentric, funny in an awkward but sweet way, caring, and cuddable as this one. >point

In any event, I felt a lot stronger while at the gym than when I was running to it. Found out I could use more weight than last time I worked out. My muscles are a lot stronger now after being asleep for so long. I really hate having a high maintenance body though. If I stay home to study for a day, it really shows. I've always had to debate over academics or personal health. Hope that changes some day.

Today I received an email from the past, 4/13/09 18:19, to be precise.

Dear FutureMe,
how is everything in the future? Am I happy? At this point in time, I'm at UCSB's library working on genetic problems and overthinking about how difficult things are. Recently I've had trouble staying awake/going to sleep because of emotional stress. How did things end up with <>? Haven't seen him all day, and he'll be leaving 2 months from now. Did I become a better person by being with him? Am I stronger in the future than I am now? Am I still doing judo? I hope I have a voice and am the kind of person to have no fears and no distractions. I hope all of the anxiety has dissipated and I'm able to just take each day at a time and be happy with each.

It's a little sad that a couple things are still true, but I definitely think that I've grown up a lot. I didn't think of myself as such an anxious person, but maybe I was just very unsure of myself at the time. I think I've calmed down a bit since then, especially since now I don't have to move to Japan to be with someone. Oh yeah, my friend at the gym asked me that as soon as I brought up the whole relationship business-because I had been so adamant that day to stay with him that I told her I'd be willing to move over there to be with him. I wasn't thinking at the time though, since there is nothing over there for me. I wouldn't be able to have a job I would enjoy or excel at. And I'm certain that although I'd be happy being with the one I love, I would become very depressed at wasting the last 4 years on an education I wouldn't be able to use. Things change, I suppose. Hopefully for the better.

Clownfish

I was thinking today how interesting people are. Sometimes it seems as though the best way to approach a problem (at least momentarily) is to avoid it. People go about this through exercise, sleeping, meds, interaction with other people, interaction alone..I wonder why humans are so easily exhausted-either emotionally or physically.

I remember my first time visiting this school there was a psy professor who said that she was researching on why some people can keep running into obstacles and overcome them whereas others, in the same situation, break. I guess it just depends on your way of thinking. Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how different we were in comparison to our mutual friends. It made me a little sad at first, because it seemed condescending and unfair to talk about such a thing without having said people there to defend themselves. Maybe it was the herd mentality (albeit there were only two in the herd), but it did strike me once she pointed out the glaring fact that a lot of people don't have drive for some reason. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But it seems as though living in such a lackadaisical manner is seen as something of a crime from the perspective of someone who lives and breathes on dreams.

I don't think I'm better than anyone else, or worse for that matter. It just struck me as interesting that there are people who have never thought of what the future can bring. Living life as a jellyfish does have its perks, I'm sure. There is no stress when you live day to day because all mistakes and regrets have a lifespan of 24 hours. But I wonder if that can become fertilizer to make you grow. If you never keep your memories with you and learn from mistakes it is as if one is constantly forgetting the road map and running into the same pot holes.

I like how living in this great big world has allowed me to meet so many different people. I like being able to learn something new everyday and being able to potentially use it in the future. I used to analyze my goal to death-the idea of wanting to help people for a living. I wonder if altruism really exists because most of the time you don't get any benefit from hurting people. And more often than not you get hurt in the process of reaching out to someone else. The only benefit I can possibly see from helping others is the fact that you feel warm inside afterwards because you did something good. But if this is true, then helping people is a selfish act in itself and what was supposed to be a pure thing is actually a very egotistical thing. Still, I can't think of anything else that would make me happier in this world. Of course, being with my puppy also makes me deliriously happy.

I don't know where I picked up the bad habit of over-analyzing things, but I find myself doing it far too often. I think it's gotten better over the years though. And I think that after I met him I stopped taking myself so seriously. I think I learned how to laugh a lot more with him. But in the process I also neglected a few things that I need to catch up on. It's a little ironic though since he was also the one to make me realize this so I guess it's a mutualistic relationship afterall. I <3>

I am not nice

I wonder when everything started to turn sour. Most likely, everything that's true now was true then too, but I wonder when the little things began to become unbearable. Maybe it was the time and spatial differences, or the fact that my internet consistently craps out on me so that there's only a local connection and I can't use the internet for several hours at night, trying to make a conversation or resolve a conflict is so hard when the sound cuts in and out. Or constantly hearing my roommate suck face with some guy in the living room. It used to be that I was frustrated to the point of tears because I would hear them bickering and then later on taking over the bedroom and I didn't understand why things could be so unfair because I truly care about this person and I'm not allowed to be with him. Yet there are people who are using each other and get to spend all the time in the world with whomever they please.

Apparently I hurt the one person I care about. So much so that I constantly tell this person they're a horrible person and it makes them afraid to even wake up to me. I knew that a lot of the things I've said have reinforced the no trust policy and it doesn't seem like I'm doing anything to ameliorate the situation at all. To be honest, I have no idea how to. We fight, or argue, whatever you wish to call it, and I often end up pouring oil into the fire. I bring up things from the past because I think they're pertinent to the situation but it often ends up just causing the situation to blow up in my face. The thing I'm most afraid of is if we're not meant to be together. Because only recently there's been the glaring fact that we conflict a lot on certain things and we break each other down on other things. How do you know when a relationship is just completely destructive and you need to let go even though it's difficult? How do you differentiate between that situation and relationships you need to hold onto because they're meant to last and give you happiness in the long run?

Written records are interesting because they show exactly what happened at that point in time. It was really adorable to read back on what happened in the beginning. We both tried very hard to get the attention of the other. He tried especially hard (in his own awkward and weird way) to show how much he wanted to get to know me better. Bringing food, taking me out on adventures, watching 6 straight hours of horror movies because he heard I liked them, biking to the library to give me a hug because he heard I needed one..he tried very hard to get my attention I think. I think I was equally worried about messing up everything-thinking about saying the right thing, coming up with fun things to do so I wouldn't be boring to him. I like very much that it started out sweetly innocent. But I think that the fact that our futures didn't cross gave both of us a lot of trouble. Me, not being able to let go of him because I finally found the perfect person for me and he's adamant about sticking to his course which was already 4 years in the making.

Being equally stubborn didn't really help..there was a lot of arguing and tears both on and off the computer. Relationships in general should carry a warning sign I think. The time investment isn't as much of a stressful thing as the emotional investment.

Dealing with people is exponentially more difficult when you have no trust in them. I wonder what happened to transition from being such a loving couple, me absolutely heads over heals for him, to wondering if he's out looking for a new girl whenever I don't see him. It's so frustrating when I know I genuinely care about this person but my instinctual fears say differently. And I need someone to teach me how to be nicer, or at least restore me to my original state so that I'm not going around pouting/frowning and bitter. I want to be the kind of person people want to be around, and to be a loving enough person that my boyfriend wouldn't have second thoughts about wanting to be with me. I am tired of fighting.

Dreams and reality

4/7/10 12:44 sunny

I've realized that I generally write on this thing when I'm mad..or something. So I guess I'll start writing on neutral days too. Today started off alright, I thought he'd be off to dinner so slept in and then checked my email (usually I wake up earlier to say hi). We talk for a bit and then start fighting about the aforementioned. It ends with me thinking about how much this sucks, because all I have is a sweater and some pictures of him as he's out there frolicking with japanese girls..or at least that's how my imagination makes it out to be (the reality: he spent a day with his friend and three other girls, two of which were hitting on him but apparently stopped when he said he had a girlfriend (whom he's only probably involved with). For some reason or other it seems as though he's only making friends with girls (easier to talk to?). Excuse me for being jealous, I'm only human. And it's not fair to me if he were to lead them on/keep me around till he finds something better.

So we talk for a bit and then I start getting upset about the idea of wasting my time with someone who isn't taking this as seriously as I am. I would be at a loss if I were to sacrifice my time and energy to bend my future to accommodate him only to have him leave me for some girl he meets over there because I'm not cute enough or something shallow like that. I don't know if I have any truly bad qualities as a girlfriend besides getting jealous every once in a while because someone runs their fingers over his hair or flirts with him and he continues to talk to them, saying that they're just "fun little people" to hang out with.

How's school going? Ducky. Classes are fairly easy, but these outside priorities often take their toll-the relationship, new job (pretty easy actually), judo obligations, trying to stay healthy through exercise and food, the subleaser who consistently pays rent late, wondering what I'm going to do in the future, etc.

My worries about the moment are: is this going to last through the next 5 months? Or will he find someone else (any girl would seem better at this moment since she wouldn't nag about personality traits or not taking care of himself and maybe they'd be into video games and stand up comedy just as much as he is or maybe she wants to travel around and not plan out the future like I'm constantly doing). I worry about the broken trust issue we have. We cuddle too much ergo we love each other too much (is that possible) so I'm worried about whether we'll get work done. He doesn't brush his teeth sometimes.

Things that might just save everything are the fact that we can talk about everything; he's my best friend at the very least. I dream about him every so often and usually it's not a good dream (except when I dream about his other women..that's not fun). I love him and that's a fact, he supports me in my career goals (although a little too much sometimes), he likes my stupid freckles and he's ok with my height for some reason, if not just for bullying means. He makes me laugh all the time when I'm feeling depressed and he can read my mind when there's something wrong but I hesitate to say it. He doesn't snore. He doesn't mind cleaning the bathroom/living area. He buys me random stuff for no reason just to make me happy (and it does). It would be too much of a hassle at this point to break up because then I'd have to get rid of a bed, tons of blankets, stuffed animals (and a white blood cell) that are just too cute to get rid of, a kite, and I'd have to get rid of a couple hundred pictures/videos on my computer. It'd just be too much effort. Oh yeah, and then I'd have to find a replacement. Well then, it seems as though the positive outweighs the negative, for the moment. Guess I'll just have to keep floating on..

Redundancy

Don't get me wrong, I love being in a relationship and I'm grateful for having someone to share my life with. But honestly, sometimes I just want to run straight into a wall out of frustration. I find myself getting more and more agitated by the irrationality and lies of this person. Not to mention the fact that the man I'm currently in love with is apparently a mindless drone, excuse me, he likes to 'please people'. The guy would get alcohol poisoning and die in Japan if his so called friends told him to keep drinking..or at least make an ass of himself in public. Doing drugs because someone tells him to..he was so proud of being an Eagle Scout but that doesn't account for anything when his actions say otherwise. He doesn't listen sometimes, and I understand because tech toys and the like are much more interesting than the talk. I've been told I have a soft voice, too so I guess it would make it hard to listen to after a while. I feel like we have more than enough of these talks, but for some reason something or other always manages to bring up the topic. I worry about his safety constantly when he's out and being reckless because he'll jump if anyone tells him to. And he says, promises, that he'll change. But I've heard it all before, numerous times.

He'll tell me during the throws of a hangover, how ohmygod I'm never going drinking again. Or how he was a complete asshole and regrets everything he's ever done. He'll be sober for a good week before I get the text or call about how he just walked home from downtown because he left his bike there for some reason and oh so valiantly came home immediately from his night of debauchery to see me. Well don't I feel special. I get to see him at his worst after he's done with spending all of his time having fun with the whores in Japan. I hate them. They don't deserve his time and yet I'm left alone all the time. I hate this and I don't deserve it. I don't want to do it anymore and yet I find myself rethinking it again and again despite the fact that everytime he does something ridiculous I tell myself that this is it, I forgave him all those times because I was stupid, but not this time. I'll just walk away and I never want to see his face again. He can go out and find his little japanese wife and live there till he dies because I don't care anymore (he was looking for someone else when we were still together anyways so I don't see why leaving him and giving him this option makes any difference..I was just kept as a backup, I still feel so used).

I wonder what happens to the girls who never become women. I don't want to cater to his every whim or forgive him for everything he's done because then I'm no longer taking care of myself but I find myself doing so anyways. I should not be with someone who has such blatant lack of morals or self restraint. For a time I thought that you had to be complete opposites to attract but it seems to not be so true now that I think about it. His scales are completely skewed-a girl who doesn't tip out of habit (but volunteers to teach kids every weekend) apparently has less value than a girl who makes out with a guy (and has a boyfriend) and a group that consistently gets him to drink to the point of blacking out (it was such an illogical argument I wanted to laugh). What kind of father would he be? I wanted to be with someone sober. People don't change unless they want to for themselves and he's always been this way. I've only brought it to attention because it honest to God bothers the hell out of me. He's frowned at the thought and effort of changing but reluctantly said he'd try because I keep nagging him about it. I scoff at the idea of a permanent change though..it's like rebuilding the economy in a day.

I just want a simple life with someone who cares about himself and others. Someone who has a strong moral compass and doesn't constantly contradict himself by saying I never lie only to negate it a few days later. Actually hearing the words "I can't promise you that I won't lie to you" felt like getting stabbed (or at least what I'd imagine it to feel like).

I should've taken that job in Atlanta instead of being afraid that I'll be far away from him..I guess at the time I didn't think about the possibility that there just might come a day in which I can't stand this person.

But maybe I'm just still mad because we recently fought about how he doesn't make any effort to be around good people..he's always liked things safe (keeping me around as he looks for his next girlfriend, being with the whores because he can't find people with similar interests). It made me laugh when someone actually pointed out that he has several brothels he goes around with. I'm with such a wonderful person..

We work out fine when we're together but when I'm not around it's as if he has no restraint in anything, and completely forgets he even has a girlfriend. This might just start another fight but I need to get it off my mind (a pensieve?) and I haven't made anything up so it's not as if any of this can be refuted. All I can say is, I'm dating a good man, but sometimes he makes me think otherwise. And I wish he'd respect himself a little more.