Play nice

I am hoping this new background will change my outlook on life-redoing the past as it were.

In other news, I am currently eating deliciously amazing home made red bean ice cream. I would like to take a picture but am too preoccupied with spoon to mouth to take one. I have also lost one of my black bunny socks

In past news, there used to be a crazy cat man who lived behind my house. I had to walk past his house every time I walked the dogs and one day he got off his porch to yell at me for having an illegal leash (the retractable kind) because it exceeded four feet. He also threatened to report my dogs because they were aggressive to his cats-they're stupid cats so any dog would bark at them . I remember feeling shaken up because I was a good girl and I hated being told otherwise. A while after this incident, I walked my dogs by his house again and as I walked past it and back towards my house I noticed him start following me. He walked towards the end of the street and looked down the street I live on. There's no substantial evidence of course, but at the time I thought he was trying to see where I lived so I rounded the corner and got into the house the back way. When I recounted this incident to my mom I added that I had turned around and yelled at the man, 'stop following me!'. This never happened, of course and I wonder why I wanted so badly to prove to my mom that I was brave.

At another time during my childhood my mom asked me what I would do if someone tried to grab me. I said I'd punch him in the face and yell as to get people's attention. Later on, this actually happened to my mom and when she turned to me in quiet rage to tel me, I didn't say or do anything at all. I'll always regret that.

But back to the initial purpose of this post: I was told to write something nice. Well, I woke up today to fall asleep watching tv and woke up a second time feeling like a slob. I feel as though I am wasting time, being irresponsible and lazy and unemployed. Planned to do this and that but never got around to it, not even to walk the dog (which I finally did after dinner). Didn't get out of the house until then, come to think of it. Sunlight feels weird when you haven't been exposed to it for a while..

Spent a 4o minutes submitting resumes out to various employers after feeling guilty about staying at home and not doing anything.

On my wall there are pictures my cousin drew for me when she was 10 or 11. The pictures are both very colorful and the people are smiling in it. It's cruel that her father had to be taken away a few years later.

I also have a photograph of friends I made in high school, when we were in Tijuana building side walks and playgrounds for the schools over there. All friends I promised I'd keep in touch with but never did.

But I digress (a bit much)..

I promised to write something nice specifically about him. Well, earlier he texted me while I was at the gym to tell me that he'd be late coming back because of an interview he's conducting. To which I replied, 'meh'. I suppose I have become heartless. I don't know how, but somewhere along the road of struggles in college I began to believe that being heartless, jaded, insensitive is the only way to survive. I lost all of the please's and thank you's. The sentences stopped starting with 'the' or 'however' or 'they' and began to start with 'I'.

He also skyped me despite my being unnecessarily cruel to him about not bothering to call me later on since I may or may not be out.

He shows me puppy eyes and chubby belly because it makes me happy (yes, yes, the latter might be too much information and yet it's so necessary!).

I wake up and he's usually the first thing on my mind (every so often it's the bathroom, but hey, I'm only human).

He makes me feel all warm and soft and loved when he looks at me, and then he opens his mouth..(kidding).

He almost got me water bottles that came with filters. They *came* with filters-this made the hypochondriac/germophobe in me giggle with delight.

He is never afraid of holding back in words, or love and I'm still trying to do the same (for better or worse).

And yet, there is still the niggling thought of how he *must* have me play video games with him. Guys: are any of you out there *not* interested in video games? Let me ask..

He bought green candies for me, in addition to bringing to my attention the fact that I like any candy that's green. My goodness, that's so adorable I am currently vomiting rainbows down my front.

He brushes his teeth for me.

He can tell when I'm hurt but refuse to say it. And knows when I need a hug/attention in spite of my pushing him away (but also wisely knowing when to give me space).

He remembers food stuff-that is very, very important.

He makes me feel beautiful (although apparently I am now supposed to lose 8 pounds in order to fit into his criteria-darn you flabby thighs and belly!)

He's willing to sit, stand, and kneel in an uncomfortable pew for an hour with me once a week if that means it'll make me happy (it will).

He is serious (for the most part) about important relationship stuff. In all other life aspects he is a jellyfish and at this point I'm not sure if it should bother me anymore.

He makes me want to cuddle up with him and let all of the stress and tension seep into the ground.

He makes me want to look alive (light makeup, toned legs, the works).

He makes me want to appreciate myself more and not advertise my shortcomings (but for some reason he gets to do that..).

He makes me want to try recipes I've never tried before just so I can get an experience with him (chocolate layered cake with strawberries that didn't quite turn out like the cakes you see in Japan's bakery windows) and biscuits made from scratch (with the recipe from the baking powder container).

For some reason, he's the one who remembers all of the important dates and I have no problem with that.

Skewered priorities

I know now exactly what I am worth to the one most important to me and it fills me with regret and self loathing for not seeing it sooner.

It smells sad outside..

A traveler's daydream

Let me start by saying that I neither hold a grudge nor despise any particular country or continent for any reason. First hand experience prevents me from being able to discriminate against anything or anyone..

Although I must say that as this year continues on, the pristine image of a certain country has been muddled over in my eyes. I still respect its culture and history, currently reading Rouse Up O Young Men of the New Age! , which is written by a rather interesting author, and then translated by one of the most respectable professors I've had in the past four years. However, word of mouth in addition to various images have led me to the irrevocable conclusion of how despicable some circles of people can be. The artificially coloured hair, pristine curls set in iron, false eyelashes, and pallid faces framed with toxic cheeks-Victorian dolls of the New Era. All of it disgusts me. Even more so, because in the past I had wanted to be like them. Such a strange turn of events, that my perceptions should be realigned. Promiscuous, twisted words, coming from human sewage, poisoning everything they touch. How could I not be alarmed?

A bright red exit sign.

I enjoyed meandering in this unknown country, with cap and camera. It was novel(?) entertaining(?) encompassing previously untouched senses? Three scrap books later I find that this country is the same as any other country, with its own vices and virtues, but recent events have underscored the former.

Dream 1:

Bright signs (but not too bright and gaudy like those of Vegas and casinos), signs enlivened by the light akin to temple lanterns. Graceful ladies with faces like swans tippering about with small satchels in hand. Smoke from stands, honest workers slaving away at the grills. Clean mountain air and the sound of running water. The smell of the earth and stone paths. Wind and natural wood houses. No nails. Transition to a bustering city, full of industry and mechanical life. 90 degree bows and set smiles, rapid chattering. Toys.

Dream 2:

A train winding through a forest. An ancient song. Summer heat, even hotter pools. Naked women and bath etiquette. Fever. A dinner set for twenty, as a women sits in the corner like a folded paper doll, at attention for anyone's call. Twenty first century enslavement. Soft, wisping voices and dried scallops. They tasted like candy. Three streets and crackers made from leaves in the area. Rice paddies and bent backs.

REM:

Dreams of curved red lips, blushing cheeks, and toxic words. Wrath, Greed,Sloth, Pride, Lust, Envy, Gluttony. Pairs on beds, bottles on tables, empty glasses, and drunken stupors. Fleeting glances and whispered words. Touches in a dimly lit bar and nightclub. Tottering back to collapse onto a bed together. Mistakes and regret on another's part. A long awaited, final departing. Righteous anger in a bloodshot face, teeth filmed over from the grime of last night. Hair and bed a mess, last night's mistake still slumbering. Unplug.

Dream 3:

Quiet secrets, hidden smiles, circles of people, with one excluded. Conversations of past debauchery. Regretfully giving up a body in the moment of passion..wasn't it taught that passion is pain? Dinners and drinks until five in the morning..so this is what is done in this country three days out of every week. A heady, sickening feeling. Forced smiles in the brain dead faces.

It was an awakening. A $1,890 well spent I suppose. Pity the fool, yet all the world's a stage. These filthy people spreading disease and moral plague. Am I being judgmental? Holier than thou? Not meaning to, when it is my only human reaction to hearing about one night stands and intoxication transitioning to unconscious vomiting. A lovely tape set on repeat. I hate these fake brown-orange curls or straight black hair, pink lipstick smiles, pristine white porcelain faces. The sirens of the island. And now it is the other foreigners that have arrived. Freely giving of themselves, among other things. But the blame should not be put on them only. It is the ones who love the attention hypocrites of the term attention whore to love, and feed these bird-women. Allowing them to follow and continue to take in their poison.

Breath like acetone. Glazed eyes and loss of basic motor control. What kind of mind would invite such a thing into bed? Although I suppose there are those with dead eyes, skin aged and cracked regardless of years, but dependent on the user. Caresses and sweet words would tempt any lonely traveler. After a year I have come to realize the allure of such a place-the easy life, of women and money. Invitations from multiple women, the boundaries cracked by strong drinks and welcoming smiles. Entertaining conversations compared to the constant verbal abuse of home. The question of deception and quite reasonably, distrust.

The moral of the story is never to commit to any form of romantic relationship across certain* countries or continents. When one is in A- for instance, eliminating small pox or feeding children, it is a different story. But when another is in B- for instance, to drink by the rivers or in the rooms of questionable women well, that speaks for itself. Pity the fool that falls in the same traps.

projectile motion

Research will add to your resume but not necessarily to your sense of fulfillment.

I go into lab this morning only to leave with the feeling that I have accomplished nothing. It's as if I'm just another lab rat (actually, when I first started out I thought that they were testing work ethic in relation to the absence of an incentive ie. pay..paranoid I know, but the psych dept has played jedi mind games with me on more than one occasion..). I think about how depressed I'd be if I were to do this for the rest of my life (ie. career)..that's not a good sign.

Now then, onto more depressing tales from the realm of Sleep (or lack thereof)...

When I was little I wanted to be a doctor, but not just any doctor. I wanted to be a heart surgeon. Ever since 2nd grade I think. My mom would always tell me stories about how one of my cousins went to this one high school and after she graduated, she got into a really good college, and then, med school. She first didn't think she'd be able to make it so she started out as a medical assistant, but then she graduated as a medical doctor and when she was in the surgery room she'd be so short they had to give her a little stool to stand on. I always thought it was cool that despite being small, everyone really looked up to her and depended on her. I wanted to be just like her..in 6th grade I memorized all the parts of the heart and the pathway of bloodflow..I'd pore over my dad's old medical text books and read about all the different organs and what happens when they crap out on you.

In high school I went to look at colleges and at X, they said that you'd be guaranteed to get into their joint medical school if you were an undergrad there and had a certain gpa/MCAT score. I spent so much time on the application and got a lot of good letters of rec but still didn't get in. My friend, who got into fights at school (and chipped a tooth, she was so ba) did. My friends in high school said my handwriting was like a doctor's (sloppy and illegible?) and that made me happy because it was like other people were confirming my future.

Freshman year I got good grades and was still very hopeful. Sophomore year I failed my first class and everything went downhill as I began isolating myself and studying (but work is so unproductive when you're not happy). I came to terms that I wouldn't be able to take the MCAT and apply to med school. Everything fell apart and I became completely lost. If I couldn't be a heart surgeon then what would I do..junior year I decided to go to grad school and get a master's before applying to med school. My letters of rec didn't come in on time, I was too stressed about my undergrad studies to keep track of grad school deadlines and so I didn't get in.

Senior year I became a realist (albeit very cynical at times). I decided that it wouldn't be the end of the world to wait another year to get into grad school and that in the meantime I'd study more and apply for a clinical lab job so I'd be able to work in the hospital prior to getting into grad school.

I don't know what makes me happy, but it's not my current situation. You ask people for help and the only solutions they offer are far too simple, the easy way out is never the answer. This past year I have only learned how to hurt people, to say things that as I'm running it through my mind I can tell it will hurt them but I do it anyway..when did I ever become such a spiteful person? And I wonder if relationships have a similar effect on other people. Maybe I should have become a nun like I planned to in 7th grade..

I've taken personal frustration, loneliness, and jealousy out on other people..how unprofessional. Of course the person who gets hit hard the most is the person that caused all of this to begin with (I'm not pointing any fingers). I begin to see only the flawed side, everything that ever happened in the past to make me feel bitter. And I begin to wonder whatever possessed me to even entertain the idea of moving to another country just to be with a person..

Hi X! How is everything and your new job? I need advice, This may sound ridiculous, but I've gotten serious with my 7 month boyfriend (who's currently in Japan). He plans to live there even after his year of studying abroad and wants me to be with him but he has no intention of moving back to the states. I'm debating on whether to go to grad school (don't even know if I qualify), or taking education classes so I can teach over there. Do you think its too soon to make so many sacrifices in such a relationship? I'm planning on taking Japanese and teaching little kids bio but I wonder if I'm sacrificing too much because initially I wanted to go into research/healthcare.

[My thoughts as of July 30, 2009]..it's a good thing I'm not an impulsive person or I really would have completely destroyed my future. That, and I have a very wise friend who set my head straight. I have been told that the first one is always the deepest, and apparently most passionate. It will feel as though you are the only one that matters in the world and the words I love you don't mean anything unless they're coming from then. But I wonder if that's the type of love that you need to end up with, or if you need to settle for something less but more realistic. Because if something were to happen to the person then you'd be flitted away from the dream land (see: P.S. I Love You).

I've been whapped by reality far too much this year, but at the same time I'm grateful for such experiences because they have forced me to grow..goes back to the whole crap as fertilizer thing I suppose.

P.S. leper jokes *always* ruin the mood.

Side effects include

• Sharp chest pain, [coughing blood], or sudden shortness of breath (possible clot in the lung)
• Pain in the calf (back of lower leg; possible clot in the leg)
• Crushing chest pain or heaviness in the chest (possible heart attack)
• Sudden severe headache or vomiting, dizziness or fainting, problems with vision or speech, weakness, or numbness in an arm or leg (possible stroke)
• Sudden partial or complete loss of vision (possible clot in the eye)
• [Yellowing of the skin or whites of the eyes (jaundice), especially with fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, dark-colored urine, or light-colored bowel movements (possible liver problems)]
• Severe pain, swelling, or tenderness in the abdomen (gallbladder or liver problems)
• Sudden fever (usually 102°F or more), vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, fainting, or a sunburn-like rash on the face or body (very rarely, toxic shock syndrome)
• Breast lumps (possible breast cancer or benign breast disease)]
• [Swelling (edema) of your fingers or ankles]
• Difficulty in sleeping, weakness, lack of energy, fatigue, or a change in mood (possible severe depression)

[optional]

It has now been 352 days, or 11 months, 18 days, approximately 50 weeks. I begin to wonder how and why humans are driven to do the things they do sometimes..it's such an unnatural thing. It's called adaptive radiation in nature-spots open up, other species take their place. People are so controlling of their little bubble, thinking that they are much bigger than the world itself. Not everything is in the circle of control, for instance (although when I was little I used to think I could control the weather). Exerting one's force on something won't necessarily change it to your benefit (see: time travel).

I have been pushing and pulling on this for months and it still hasn't budged. I used to think that if you tried very hard, and wished for what you really wanted, said please and thank you, then everything would turn out well.

I look back and everything has gone down hill from there and well, things in motion tend to stay in motion. I've tried my hardest and all I have achieved in doing so is become more cynical (an therefore alone, because no one wants to be with a grump).

Sigh~I need a cheeseburger.

squish

I am not a good person.

It seems as though little things have been getting to me far too much lately..

going an entire day without talking to a single person, getting back to the place that's supposed to be my refuge to see the same obnoxious intrusion..slamming doors, long and pointless work in a lab (Foxconn?), trying to make food with pancake mix, a bag of carrots, and tortillas..attempting to study but being too exhausted to do so, having my one connection with him broken because technology is the best and worst thing to ever happen to man, getting in 10 minutes before things get haywire, the disappointment of not having the movie nights/cookie making/girl talks I thought I would get from my new roommate because she's too wrapped up with a guy..feeling alone and only having a stupid yappy dog (that isn't that cute by the way) for company, and wondering what it's going to be like when I leave this place.

Summer..it's always a toss up between extreme boredom and the best experiences I've ever have. I hope it doesn't get too lonely, I hope I didn't make the wrong decisions, that I didn't sign up for the wrong classes, I hope I make good friends and everything goes hunkydory..

It might miss the point entirely, but I wish one could rack up karma points to redeem them for wishes. But then I guess that would provide people incentive to do good deeds without the whole selfless act business and then the universe would be out of wack...spontaneous reactions=-ΔG..

the universe thrives on chaos. I wonder why society wouldn't work if everyone just went around smiling at strangers all day, or donated money because they have too much instead of excessively spending on cars, clothes, drugs.

Today was obviously not a happy day in the world of X..I just hope my piece of sunshine comes back soon..at least before everything dies. (gah so morbid now..how to fix this...helloooo dailysquee..)

[little kid outside: 'yeah, try to hit me bastard!!' kids these days...wonder how I'd do as a parent if my kid(s) were little hellraisers..enter the Corner, I suppose. ]

Assuming a clock

Currently wondering how, and when (if ever) a bond can be made.

Hm perhaps I should clarify..it isn't the legal bond that people in my sex or age group would stereotypically want. That isn't the type of bond that I'm talking about. The wish that I make relates to something of more substance. Something to prove that it isn't true that the person who loves you the most is also the one who can cause you the most pain. Because although this might always be true to some extent, it seems as though it has been true thus far in this 1.5 year time span. And I wonder how long it will take for things to cycle out of this.

Like a molecular clock.,

Null hypothesis: constant molecular evolutionary rate in physical time.

There is a constant rate of change, but then there is no change in the grander scheme of things, as the rate is constant.

I love my family, they are the most important people to me because no one else in this world would sacrifice so much for me. My younger sibling, who looks up to me and makes me proud (almost) everyday, my parents and their odd passions for plants and the fact that both are alergic to animals but have always given into my whim of adding another animal to the household or the amount of time and money they've put into my education. They will always be the people I live for.

I love my religion, it has given me comfort during my darker days and it's always been something I've been able to turn to.

As small and sad as it is at times(florist, retirement home, cemetery..in that order on X Road), this place will always be the place I call home. I've thought about moving away, but I'll always want to be within driving distance of the people I care most about.

So what does one do when something comes along that proves to be a source of happiness, but at the same time proves to be a threat to my being able to keep the things most important to me? Do I really have to sacrifice everything for one thing that makes me happy?