mad

Peace

The most disappointing thig about today? The fact that I braved traffic, the sun, road angry people, discarded potential study time to catch up at a quiet library to go home and see him. Only to hear that the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual anymore. And that hurts. It starts in your knees, and pushes up into your chest until you can't breathe. Like an anaconda squeezing tight, tight around your rib cage until tears leak out. And you can't do anything but give into the onslaught. I suppose later on it feels much better to let it out, but at the time, it feels like all of the weight of the world-the atmospheric pressures, the pull of the planets and stars, the orbits of electrons around atoms, are just colliding into your head. I hope I make good friends here, for some reason I often luck out to meet the kindest people. And for that, I'm greatful.But there have also been those who have greatly dissappointed me. That hurts, too. But rejection hurts the most I think.

I used to pray every night that I wouldn't be alone anymore, that I would meet someone I could love and care for. I guess God gave me this so I could see how hard it can really be. All the sacrifice and painthat leaves you feeling exhausted but for some reason wanting more. It's not that I am desperate, or lonely, or settling. It's this spefcific person (how many times has somone said that in the course of history? It's blurring, though, and I can't sleep because my pillow's too wet. I just want to be happy with the one I love, is that too much to ask? Life circumstances shouldn't get in the way. a friend who is going out of state to pursue a master's and later, a phd is doing long distance with his gf of nine months or so. She's going the ma/phd route too, and yet they find the will and reason to pursue both, love and life. i think it's nice to be able to balance both, regardless of how difficult it may be, it is definitely worth it in the long run. life is a much longer time scale than a year or two. a couple years flies by and if sacrifice can't be made, then what can be gained? there are no life changing experiences or lessons learned, or moments of growth and understanding.

I regret nothing ecvept perhaps not being able to do more. I never was a very persuasive person(unless it came to bringing strange animals into the house).

I progably wouldn't date for a long time after this. After everything that's happened I'll probably steer clear of lovey couples too,because that'll just remind me of how lonely I am. But at the same time I'll be able to focus on work, getting stronger and better and spending time with neutral friends, which is always much more simple and easy. But sometimes, the easy way isn't always the best or most enjoyable way. What I wouldn't do for a bucket of fried chicken. Realized just how sad it is to not have any money when I went into the grocery store intent on buying fruit since I haven't had anything with vitamin c for a while and would hate to go blind, and realized I only had $2..good thing peaches were 3 lbs/$1. For lunch: those 2/$1 tacos from a burger place, which for some reason I always find palatable. Oh, and a burger the size of a snack cake. I wonder how Mr. Panda's doing hope they're treating him alright at home and that he hasn't lost anymore whiskers so he won't keep bumping into chairs. I could really use a wish right now. Funny song, because I used to do that, although unintentionally, when I was a child. Actually, I still do, so never mind.

Sleeping with a big fluffy pillow that feels like a certain wide chest and shoulders or belly doesn't exactly help..

Excuse me while I cry my eyes out

Uncertainty

I am afraid for the future..er not in the sense that I should wreak havoc on it, but I am afraid of what will happen. I am afraid of where this road is taking me.

I don't want to be poor: I don't want to have to worry about feeding my kids or having enough money to be able to get around (and go to work).

I don't want to be a disappointment: I never want to see the look on my parents' faces when I ask for a couple of bucks to fill up my car.

I don't want to be looked down upon because I threw away my life for whatever reason.

I don't want to be one of those once-educated, but allowed my mind to decay.

I don't want to be a failure.

And it seems as though I'm not the only one to have these thoughts...

I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish

We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had

I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

-Travis McCoy

I miss it all of course, reminiscing on these videos and not being able to fall asleep. But at this point I wonder if it is out of simple loneliness, sheer desperation for words and touch that the depression should set in.

Is it missing a specific someone or just people in general? Or would I be content with just anyone to say the same words and do the same things? All I know is that the thought of seeing his face again for the first time in a long time is often an image I fall asleep to, even when things get blurry just before sleep comes.

Sad

Always waiting..there's nothing more pathetic than an intelligent, independent woman being reduced to tears from waiting around for a call that never comes and listening to voicemails to fall asleep.

It's not even

I haven't written in a while so I thought I should start up again. Recently finished the movie Adaptation and it appears to leave you with a rather strange feeling. As I sit in this room, lamp lit, wind wisping itself inside through a crack between the window and wall, and the only sound being the ceiling fan overhead. It is rather lonely. Strange to come to the realization of how frail people are. Indeed, I spent the entire day with a friend. And yet, at a moment of silence I should feel so alone.

But perhaps it's not even so much being alone as the feeling that bothers me. The thought came up earlier when a friend brought up the decision of getting back together with an ex of four months. I had advised against it, but whatever makes people happy I suppose. And so brings one to a current dilemma: the conflict between time commitments to people and the time which should be dedicated to furthering ones career. And yet it doesn't stop there. Time is not the only I tend to squander. It is drive, dedication, initial optimism that I throw away also. How does one stay committed when there is seemingly no reason to keep going? It is a catch-22 of sorts. To succeed would lead to happiness. But to attain this success, you need motivation to complete certain goals. And to stay motivated, you need to be happy to start with.

If things were different, would I be in a different place? Would I be happier? More successful? Would I still be alone? In all possibility, of course, things could be much worse. I could have lost friends, family, everything to an addiction and be living on the streets..or something.

I see people having fun, in a place I could be at right now (but chose not to) and it makes me wonder if I could have changed things to make a better situation for myself. But then comes Avarice. I won't ever be happy if I decide that I need everything to be happy, I've decided that just now. It just doesn't make sense, seeing as 9/10 things in life may go wrong (not necessarily pessimism, but rather, probability and the nature of things). I shouldn't expect or need everything to be happy since I already have so much already. But I am wondering if I am becoming too reliant on the possibility of easy solutions presenting themselves to me, (usually via someone else). I didn't realize I was so lazy as to wait for things to come to me rather than going off and pursuing it. Isn't that why they call it pursuing happiness ?

It seems to backfire for me, though, when I begin to pursue. The baking soda and vinegar from third grade.

I wish for a box of puppies (a rental of course). Oh, if only all the world's problems could be solved with a 6x6 box of welsh corgies.