Peace

The most disappointing thig about today? The fact that I braved traffic, the sun, road angry people, discarded potential study time to catch up at a quiet library to go home and see him. Only to hear that the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual anymore. And that hurts. It starts in your knees, and pushes up into your chest until you can't breathe. Like an anaconda squeezing tight, tight around your rib cage until tears leak out. And you can't do anything but give into the onslaught. I suppose later on it feels much better to let it out, but at the time, it feels like all of the weight of the world-the atmospheric pressures, the pull of the planets and stars, the orbits of electrons around atoms, are just colliding into your head. I hope I make good friends here, for some reason I often luck out to meet the kindest people. And for that, I'm greatful.But there have also been those who have greatly dissappointed me. That hurts, too. But rejection hurts the most I think.

I used to pray every night that I wouldn't be alone anymore, that I would meet someone I could love and care for. I guess God gave me this so I could see how hard it can really be. All the sacrifice and painthat leaves you feeling exhausted but for some reason wanting more. It's not that I am desperate, or lonely, or settling. It's this spefcific person (how many times has somone said that in the course of history? It's blurring, though, and I can't sleep because my pillow's too wet. I just want to be happy with the one I love, is that too much to ask? Life circumstances shouldn't get in the way. a friend who is going out of state to pursue a master's and later, a phd is doing long distance with his gf of nine months or so. She's going the ma/phd route too, and yet they find the will and reason to pursue both, love and life. i think it's nice to be able to balance both, regardless of how difficult it may be, it is definitely worth it in the long run. life is a much longer time scale than a year or two. a couple years flies by and if sacrifice can't be made, then what can be gained? there are no life changing experiences or lessons learned, or moments of growth and understanding.

I regret nothing ecvept perhaps not being able to do more. I never was a very persuasive person(unless it came to bringing strange animals into the house).

I progably wouldn't date for a long time after this. After everything that's happened I'll probably steer clear of lovey couples too,because that'll just remind me of how lonely I am. But at the same time I'll be able to focus on work, getting stronger and better and spending time with neutral friends, which is always much more simple and easy. But sometimes, the easy way isn't always the best or most enjoyable way. What I wouldn't do for a bucket of fried chicken. Realized just how sad it is to not have any money when I went into the grocery store intent on buying fruit since I haven't had anything with vitamin c for a while and would hate to go blind, and realized I only had $2..good thing peaches were 3 lbs/$1. For lunch: those 2/$1 tacos from a burger place, which for some reason I always find palatable. Oh, and a burger the size of a snack cake. I wonder how Mr. Panda's doing hope they're treating him alright at home and that he hasn't lost anymore whiskers so he won't keep bumping into chairs. I could really use a wish right now. Funny song, because I used to do that, although unintentionally, when I was a child. Actually, I still do, so never mind.