It's not even

I haven't written in a while so I thought I should start up again. Recently finished the movie Adaptation and it appears to leave you with a rather strange feeling. As I sit in this room, lamp lit, wind wisping itself inside through a crack between the window and wall, and the only sound being the ceiling fan overhead. It is rather lonely. Strange to come to the realization of how frail people are. Indeed, I spent the entire day with a friend. And yet, at a moment of silence I should feel so alone.

But perhaps it's not even so much being alone as the feeling that bothers me. The thought came up earlier when a friend brought up the decision of getting back together with an ex of four months. I had advised against it, but whatever makes people happy I suppose. And so brings one to a current dilemma: the conflict between time commitments to people and the time which should be dedicated to furthering ones career. And yet it doesn't stop there. Time is not the only I tend to squander. It is drive, dedication, initial optimism that I throw away also. How does one stay committed when there is seemingly no reason to keep going? It is a catch-22 of sorts. To succeed would lead to happiness. But to attain this success, you need motivation to complete certain goals. And to stay motivated, you need to be happy to start with.

If things were different, would I be in a different place? Would I be happier? More successful? Would I still be alone? In all possibility, of course, things could be much worse. I could have lost friends, family, everything to an addiction and be living on the streets..or something.

I see people having fun, in a place I could be at right now (but chose not to) and it makes me wonder if I could have changed things to make a better situation for myself. But then comes Avarice. I won't ever be happy if I decide that I need everything to be happy, I've decided that just now. It just doesn't make sense, seeing as 9/10 things in life may go wrong (not necessarily pessimism, but rather, probability and the nature of things). I shouldn't expect or need everything to be happy since I already have so much already. But I am wondering if I am becoming too reliant on the possibility of easy solutions presenting themselves to me, (usually via someone else). I didn't realize I was so lazy as to wait for things to come to me rather than going off and pursuing it. Isn't that why they call it pursuing happiness ?

It seems to backfire for me, though, when I begin to pursue. The baking soda and vinegar from third grade.

I wish for a box of puppies (a rental of course). Oh, if only all the world's problems could be solved with a 6x6 box of welsh corgies.