Realization

I only noticed today. Does that make me a hypocrite? It makes me wonder if I was the bad person all along. Now I feel guilty for all of my 'creative writings' (but not really..). I guess I should apologize. When what he said was true all along- 'But, it's not you.' And I had made him into such a vulgar person simply because I was selfish and didn't want to deal with new feelings of jealousy and the ache of missing someone. But maybe I was just lazy. Because it is so much easier to blame a situation on another person than to deal with reality on your own. It's scary to be alone. I like to think of myself as simple, but really most of the time I'm spinning wild ideas out of nothing and it's true what they say~don't obsess, it'll warp your mind.

Today my boyfriend told me something happened that was beginning to make him worry. He preceded that with "had dinner" and automatically I imagined him with the girls (and one gay guy) he is constantly talking about and that maybe he finally realized that he does have feelings for that one girl he said was cute. It turns out he's worried because his hair dye is changing colors. FML
I think that ever since I decided to throw myself into this situation, I've been driving myself crazy with such thoughts, but I'd like to believe that it's not just all me-who, in a serious relationship, would go out drinking with a bunch of girls in their room till 6 am? Or tell their girlfriend about all the cute girls he's met and then proceed to talk about dinner/movie/drinking party plans. The touchy feely pictures only add to the paranoia.

I'll apologize for the excessive worrying but I can say almost with certainty that even though I feel guilty after the reassurances of what actually* happened (minus some details?), I don't think I'll ever stop worrying completely simply because the most important person to me is so very far away. And there are deceptive people out there, or maybe just misguided because of their place in life,(put a bunch of 20 something year olds together and there will* be sex, drugs, alcohol, and the occasional blow torch..see: Isla Vista).

I wonder if it's really love if there is jealousy involved. I was always taught that love should be pure because you should always put that person before yourself simply because their happiness is your happiness. But I got caught up in petty feelings and it seems tainted now. I wish I could be as confident as he is. But it is so very difficult when I see what the people do in this Town.

Even though I'd never had a boyfriend before, one of my friends said that it didn't matter whether or not I'd never been in a romantic relationship because I've had lots of relationships with other people before. And that is why I know how I expect to be treated and to care for the other person. It reassured me, that the feelings of loss, jealousy, they might not be due to something petty like simply being infatuated. I have met a lot of people and they just don't matter to me in the same way as my passionate bear does.

For a while I thought he had made me cynical, but really I think that he's just taught me a lot more about seeing reality for what it really is. And I might've noticed the difference a lot later than I expected.

It took a while but it's a little easier to sleep now (harumph, but I don't go to sleep with the same warm, bubbly feeling that makes me think as if my heart's about to explode). I wonder how it will be, to be close to this person again for 2 weeks or so and then be forced to go away because of other duties. I hope it won't be as hard as the first time..

Kuma chan in Japan 9/29/09

Just got back from paying my bills. Talking to my gf and her chest looks a lot bigger..woo. Went to lunch and tried to hang out with smelly and the animal guy and all of them but they had all gotten seats so had to sit with the same group ie. hot Australian Taiwanese girl, and thai girl..even better. Tried talking to them about the lecture brought up about how that one part where the teacher talked about Kyoto was boring and then talked to this one girl who was going to sign up for the Japanese proficiency test but then one of the other girls said you need a picture with you so we’re just going to DO IT tomorrow. They didn't really talk, but they were hot so that makes up for it. After class went to get karage ramen.Then went home and talked to gf for a bit..as expected, gf went crazy when there was mention of lunch/hanging out with three girls..something about being a man whore..argued about life, argued about what's acceptable in a relationship (it's ok to check out other people and get drunk till I'm basically spending the night over at their place, really..), argued about how things should be. The wrath of gf ended when it was time for class..yes innocent nubile japanese school girls..

Kuma chan in Japan 9/28/09

Sitting in class and there were these 2 girls I knew sitting next to but I never knew together. Tried talking to a Korean guy but he didn’t talk to me so after class and went to lunch with three girls woo. Went to go ‘study’ in the library but ended up just joking around. Some guy was handing out newspapers on campus and he handed one to the asian guy.

Dunno why but today I looked extremely popular or something because everywhere I went..like flower girl came up to me and asked where everyone was and then I walk around and I see other woman #1 and other woman #2 and they try going up to me and then, Japanese girl #1, one of the girls from SB said hi and then met up with this Korean guy. So we take off and go off for parfaits and met up with this one guy who asked how the first day of school was. It was the first day I’ve been in a group and other people kept coming up to me. Omg I was so popular today. Just had 2 classes till 12 (9-12) and then went to lunch and got desserts with those three girls and it was that one Australian girl and she knew me and there was this one other girl I met because I was running late to class the other day. There was an Australian Chinese, Taiwanese, Thai, girl and then the random Japanese girl. Met two Korean guys and a british guy so we’re planning on going out to the redlight district. And got a bunch of new female friends who I can potentially screw. Sweet.

Annoying girlfriend started talking to me and ranting on about how much of a manwhore I am. She just doesn’t understand that when I’m in my room and it’s just her and me, I feel like I don’t have any friends here, and then I start wondering why I ever left.

Kuma chan in Japan 9/27/09

It's the day before school starts..kind of excited I guess.. got into the class level where there's like 4 guys and a shit load of cute girls woo. Went out grocery shopping and came home to inebriated gf having another pissy fit..her drunk version is usually cute and outgoing but recently she gets all emotional after she's out drinking. So she just starts ranting on about how much she misses me and I start put tape on my face to raise my eyebrows and make a pig nose. She finally stops crying, usually it's pretty easy to deal with crying girls-you just hold them till they stop crying, but this is a bit harder to do online. It's still pretty easy though since she's low maintenance and has a rebound rate of an hour or so though.

She's crying her eyes out and saying something stupid like she doesn't want to visit over winter break anymore because it'll be too hard to say goodbye again or something..fuck that I can't go without sexytime for a whole year. Whatever, there are a lot of girls here whom I've caught eyeing the goods so that would be easily taken care of. Other woman #1 seems to not be doing so well with bf from home and I've been working her since day 1 so..and then there are all of the japanese/taiwanese/korean girls at the parties. Oh and the only guy I really talk to is gay so there aren't any potential cockblocks in the future.

I don't care what she says, japanese girls who say, 'Etooo.. annnooo' for every other word are cute. Especially if they do the head tilt thing. We're talking and her roommates come back from partying or something and some guy is talking about doing lines and getting a threesome going and then some drunk guy notices her computer on the couch and tries to come over and say hi..told her it was a bad idea to room with random people but she wanted to be overly optimistic.

She thinks I'm dating her because it's the lesser of two evils..it's true, dating a girl over here would cost a lot of money and I don't know how you can downgrade from rice with salt for breakfast/lunch. Although she does fail with the whole reassurance thing-you shouldn't say, 'oh he was cute' and then another plus..but apparently her reassurance comes fifteen minutes later by saying that she could never see those guys again and be totally fine but wouldn't be able to go a day without seeing me..I guess she redeemed herself. And just because I say that the girls here are cute, have similar long term plans, and would be living in a country I planned to move to way before I met her, doesn't give her a reason to try to make me jealous.

Made fun of gf's fine hair by sticking three pairs of chopsticks and a vegetable wrapper into hair. She's short, has overly fine hair (even though it's softer), smaller eyes, a flatter nose, darker skin..basically genetically inferior so gotta put her in her place.

She leaves for a bit to get food and the drunk girls are talking about how gf's bf is in Japan and how that's far..no shit, really? They talked like retarded sorority girls..on drugs.
Told gf to make Costco cookies (because they're so much better than gf cookies made with love..).

So tried watching Doomsday with her again and she falls asleep..again-[ironic That's what she said?]. Puttered around on the internet because there's nothing to do..it'll probably change once school starts and I can start meeting some actual japanese girls instead of just hanging out with foreign girls..the taiwanese girls were cute but they didn't know enough japanese to be interesting.

Last night, I saw a film..

There have been many times in my life in which I would have given almost anything to have a time machine and relive a moment, (usually to change the present). At this point in time I wish I could go back to last year, simply to relive it. I wouldn't change anything about it simply because last year has made me the happiest I've ever been.

I am grateful for the friends I have and the people I was meant to meet.

Last night I was regretting and being overly critical. He had been sad and yet he encouraged me that things would be alright. I was amazed, at these two people whom I always thought were so confident and happy go lucky, that they had the same doubts and insecurities as me. And that they would be the ones to keep me from giving up when I wasn't seeing the situation from the right perspective. I'm glad we had talked and even though it had made me sad when I got home, I realized that what he said was true-the difficulty I'm faced with right now isn't enough to think that I would rather none of it had ever happened. That would make me a lot sadder actually. And I go home to drug addicts and those who give away their bodies so freely and I was alone.

But..it took not even a second for him to call, if not to simply check up on me, I don't know. But the fact of the matter is, he had called when I needed him the most and just that reassurance, of what the other one said earlier: that if I want it to work, it will work..the fact that he was there for me even though at the same time not because of reasons outside of either of our controls. I was crying, but it was relief at the same time. The thought that has always been niggling at the back of my mind is that it is one-sided,and I am just waiting to be replaced despite all of my efforts. It was the realization that it wasn't, that made me want to cry. And at the same time, I only cried harder because instead of being happy that I should be lucky enough to have this person, I was torn apart by the fact that this person could not be by my side. I'm not sure what I expected, because I haven't been in this situation before, but I don't think that even if I was forewarned would I have been prepared. Your heart literally hurts when you are thrown into such a situation. And I wonder, if I had an EKG at that moment, whether it would indicate that my heart was getting sick. It starts out as a numbness that you try to quell, but something or other catalyzes it into a shooting pain throughout your chest and your head is pounding from the frustration of not being able to make it better. I think that the event which spurred all of that may have been being in the same place, with the same people, and yet everything was so very different because I had felt so very alone. Last year I might have been used to it, but when I finally got to meet the person I was meant to meet after 20 years of wandering around on my own, the universe has to pull a Delta G on me and make it so that I could only have a certain amount of time with this person, before he would be whisked away and I would be alone again. Maybe it was the karma of bullying my brother when we were kids, or being mean to someone and not apologizing, or not waking up early enough to watch the dogs and then having to watch one get run over, or not speaking to my dad for half a year because of what happened, >or was it teenage angst?<..whatever it is, I wish I could have taken it all back, if only that meant this person could be right next to me right now. 89 days may not seem so much, but when you're counting down the days, it is like waiting for water to boil. Stupid relativity. I wonder, if there was no one to think of these theories, then would they have been any less noticeable?

We had walked home, and I think that just knowing that there are those who don't think it's impossible, gave me hope. And I was moderately happy for a bit but everything went to shit when I saw him and my inebriated roommates decided to remind me of how very far away he is at the moment.

There was someone who had changed the radio station when Far Away went on (probably because of how much they hate Nickelback) and I had secretly thanked them. Because I just know that if I had heard that song at that moment, I would have started bawling..in the middle of a game of beer pong..

Things are difficult as they are, but for some reason everything becomes exponentially more difficult when people point it out. Sometimes I wish to live in ignorance (the kind that doesn't affect others in any way and doesn't make me any less of a person).

I turned 21 a while back..and yet I still make a wish every time it turns 11:11 or when I see the first star of the night..and it is the same every time: that we may be happy no matter what happens, and that no one is alone.

If there is one thing I can be happy about, it's that I can't regret anything because while that person was here, we spent so much time together. And even though there was the occasional tiff, we always made sure to make up. And during that time, I was so happy I thought my heart would break,

But..

it doesn't stop me from missing this person.

I wonder if that will ever stop.

But if it did, would that be a bad thing?

Kuma chan in Japan 9/25/09

Going to school to buy books, got there, waited for an hour for health interview today and this weird guy was flirting (probably 40 yrs old, 180 lbs and 5 ft tall) going around flirting with all the guys. Played mine sweeper and she came over..kinda moved away and she went to flirt with some Korean guy. After waiting for an hour with the happy old lady and the doctor had a mask on and was all freaked out, staring at me, went to a back room, came back and said he had to get a bigger one because I was so big. It was an x ray machine or something and took one x ray and that was it. Had to wake up at 9 am for that. Played a hacker game..(Uplink).

Called other woman and cabbage to watch a movie but they were both setting up bank accounts/banging their TA so cabbage girl didn't call back till an hour later or so. Listened to crazy girlfriend ramble on about spending too much time with those two sluts. She just doesn't get that it's better to have some eyecandy around than be friends with guys. Having a girl as a friend is basically having a friend you can fuck when you're drunk enough. Gf pms'd for about four hours so decided to lie down and imagine the people walking around upstairs..oh, and wait for other woman #1 and other woman #2 to call.

Saw Summer Wars, a movie about a guy that builds AI, which tries to destroy the world. It was pretty interesting. When I first went down there, they said come hang out with us and they ended up clothes shopping Hide, other woman, and cabbage girl. Went to a kaiten sushi and had this crab salad thing that was really tasty. It was kinda expensive because it was like $7 for a couple plates and went to mcdonals and got a mcflurry that was only ½ full. Everyone was kinda energetic so went down to the river and a couple guys from the cosmopolitan club were drinking there but we walked by and the gion area and saw a yakuza car and Hide said don’t look at them because they get pissed off or something. Went to sit down in a park for a bit and then wandered back to the river and they tried to get me to drink but it was already 1 in the morning and kinda just felt like going home. They took off and I went home. I rode my bike really really fast on the way home and some guy was sitting on the front porch smoking.. and almost peed my pants.

Kuma chan in Japan

Went to Cosmopolitan Club(club that helps foreigners) and okanamyaki food restaurant, sat with a bunch of really cute Taiwanese and Australian born Chinese girl and tried practicing Japanese but they didn’t really have the ability to talk and the conversation kept dying. Went to drink by the river with the club and there was a huge group of foreigners and a couple of Japanese guys. Drank a lot like 4 beers. Didn’t really talk about much at the party. Talked to the guys about just random stuff. Went home and it was really far home and other woman and cabbage girl kept making fun of how I would probably get lost. Went straight home without missing a turn. Drunk biked home at 3 am. Woke up at 12. Other woman texted to go to monkey park but the map was in hiragana and phone is in katakana so had no clue how to get to the meeting place. Rode bike to Shijo, went down to the station. Changed trains at one station and met up with a gay guy, Kyle, and a bunch of white girls. Went to the monkey park and it was a bit of a hike than when I remembered. Went to the cage and fed the monkeys, tried to touch one of them but then it swiped at my hand and got scratched. The first one I touched just gave me the evil eye. Went outside and ate lunch, monkey got mad that I sat next to it. Walked around and there was anoher monkey digging in dirt or something and it didn’t like me. Went to other woman’s place to watch avatar but kept falling asleep and there was an hour ride back so went home. Got a free gundam figure with dinner’s ramen. Was a jackass and told gf about all of the cuter girls out there.