Realization

I only noticed today. Does that make me a hypocrite? It makes me wonder if I was the bad person all along. Now I feel guilty for all of my 'creative writings' (but not really..). I guess I should apologize. When what he said was true all along- 'But, it's not you.' And I had made him into such a vulgar person simply because I was selfish and didn't want to deal with new feelings of jealousy and the ache of missing someone. But maybe I was just lazy. Because it is so much easier to blame a situation on another person than to deal with reality on your own. It's scary to be alone. I like to think of myself as simple, but really most of the time I'm spinning wild ideas out of nothing and it's true what they say~don't obsess, it'll warp your mind.

Today my boyfriend told me something happened that was beginning to make him worry. He preceded that with "had dinner" and automatically I imagined him with the girls (and one gay guy) he is constantly talking about and that maybe he finally realized that he does have feelings for that one girl he said was cute. It turns out he's worried because his hair dye is changing colors. FML
I think that ever since I decided to throw myself into this situation, I've been driving myself crazy with such thoughts, but I'd like to believe that it's not just all me-who, in a serious relationship, would go out drinking with a bunch of girls in their room till 6 am? Or tell their girlfriend about all the cute girls he's met and then proceed to talk about dinner/movie/drinking party plans. The touchy feely pictures only add to the paranoia.

I'll apologize for the excessive worrying but I can say almost with certainty that even though I feel guilty after the reassurances of what actually* happened (minus some details?), I don't think I'll ever stop worrying completely simply because the most important person to me is so very far away. And there are deceptive people out there, or maybe just misguided because of their place in life,(put a bunch of 20 something year olds together and there will* be sex, drugs, alcohol, and the occasional blow torch..see: Isla Vista).

I wonder if it's really love if there is jealousy involved. I was always taught that love should be pure because you should always put that person before yourself simply because their happiness is your happiness. But I got caught up in petty feelings and it seems tainted now. I wish I could be as confident as he is. But it is so very difficult when I see what the people do in this Town.

Even though I'd never had a boyfriend before, one of my friends said that it didn't matter whether or not I'd never been in a romantic relationship because I've had lots of relationships with other people before. And that is why I know how I expect to be treated and to care for the other person. It reassured me, that the feelings of loss, jealousy, they might not be due to something petty like simply being infatuated. I have met a lot of people and they just don't matter to me in the same way as my passionate bear does.

For a while I thought he had made me cynical, but really I think that he's just taught me a lot more about seeing reality for what it really is. And I might've noticed the difference a lot later than I expected.

It took a while but it's a little easier to sleep now (harumph, but I don't go to sleep with the same warm, bubbly feeling that makes me think as if my heart's about to explode). I wonder how it will be, to be close to this person again for 2 weeks or so and then be forced to go away because of other duties. I hope it won't be as hard as the first time..