Last night he decides to show me a picture of him with flower girl and other woman #1,2 from a drinking party. He saw it as a good picture of him with his new friends while I saw him hugging three girls..while drunk. Maybe I was being overly sensitive but at that moment I hated those girls for being all over him, him for actively seeking them out everyday, myself for not being able to be there, and the situation in general. He goes on to tell me how he'd gotten a fortune that told him to give up and move on even though things are difficult and instead of laughing it off at the ridiculousness of fortune cookie wisdom he told me that he got the same fortune last time when he was still with his ex (which ended badly..) and of course he has to say that he's found japanese fortunes to be true for him (because everything in japan is amazingly perfect, right).
Fate is what you decide to make of it-even if someone were to corner me in an alleyway and tell me I'm about to die I'd still fight like hell to stay alive..and here we are trying our hardest, I'm about to dig into my savings to see him over Christmas, and he's trying to fix something that's not broken. I wonder if he breaks things just because people tell him that there's something wrong with it.
And I guess he was wrong to say I had nothing to worry about because he himself said last night that he's transferred to a different class and I shouldn't be worried anymore (because I had a reason to be in the first place..)because there aren't girls that he would be tempted with since he might just find someone really cool. For me that was never even a passing thought-I have only thought of how much I look forward to seeing him again because I made a promise to him when we decided to do this, that I think he's the most important to me so I won't need to try being with other guys to know that. But I suppose it was one sided..much like many of the nonreciprocating things in life for me..I guess if he finds someone who passes his quizzes, as he so aptly put it, all of the "but it's not you.." arguments just go out the window. And that is exactly why it terrified me to love such a consistently inconsistent person.
I've met quite a few people who spoke with passion only to mean half of what they say (either because they're getting paid to or simply because they want to impress people), but I was blind sighted into thinking he was different. It's such a cliche and yet dreamers so often fall for it. I'm only human, it hurts to know that I can be so easily replaced. But then my jaded side realizes that it wasn't worth it to begin with and I'd be better off if he can find someone else so easily. It's strange that such a pure thing like love could be the thing to make a person cynical. It makes me wonder, in terms of the pursuit of happiness, whether or not we are just meant to suffer all of our live because we can always find the bad in things and only when we struggle can we find the good. Those who float on with the tide..I wonder if they are truly happy living like jellyfish, or maybe they're just blissfully ignorant.
His reasoning is always "they're not as cute.." never mentioning intelligence, or kindness, always some fleeting quality
And I wonder if I am valued for anything else.
No comments:
Post a Comment