For every force there is an equal and opposing force

10/5/09

5:34 pm

I think I’m beginning to understand how he feels about his parents-an obligated love. Called home to ask about ortho apt. and get plane tickets for that and jp and mum asks how are we going to afford that? I start to feel bad but then she goes on to say he wants to go again in the winter too and I’m not sure how that’s going to work..let’s ask dad first. I say I’m going to be using my savings and she says well how much is it and then I tell her how prices keep going up so I'll need to get them soon and I’m not asking them for money, I’m just going to be using money I’ve saved up. So we say bye. And I am peeved and disappointed and I feel neglected because I’ve always told people how family are always there for you no matter what and my mom so clearly put a preference of my brother over me ..it made me feel rejected. She won’t say it, and I only entertained the thought before, but I know it’s because they think of me as a failure..because I didn’t get into the better high school or the best college and I’m struggling as is. And I didn’t take the mcat and so I’m not on my way to becoming a doctor or something else they can gloat about. It made me want to cry. I wonder if that’s why what she said was true-that as you get older, you tend to love your spouse more than your family.Although in my case, a 9+mos relationship in college hardly qualifies as a stable relationship. I'll be screwing myself over if a. I get over there and he tells me it's just not the same anymore and we should just end it or b. I go over there, hand myself over emotionally and physically, we have fun because there aren't any strings attached and a month later he decides he's good to call it quits..which he's hinted to..I would never be able to look at her in the face again.

Mum sees it as a reward, traveling, and I agree but my brother just went to jp in the spring..why the hell does he need to go again?

6:07 pm

I look at my savings and I’ll basically be broke after the trip to visit him. Parents are disappointed in me and give brother preference to a $6000 trip over me and so I don’t really want to go home. Looked at pictures on fb and I see pictures of these dumb bitches and I don’t know if I want to visit because then I’ll meet them and I’m afraid I’ll snap and call them a whore or even worse they get overly polite and I can’t say anything. Today was a cluster fuck, basically. Went in to take jp quiz and got 3-4 wrong for sure b/c I misunderstood the teacher when she said there’d be no hiragana-so we didn’t need to write it, but we still had to recognize it and I thought the whole quiz would be listening so I screwed that up. Then tried to study for gre but got hungry and went home after half an hour, tried to get tickets to jp but the website kept fucking up. Went to SRB and it wasn’t the website, just the crappy internet I have at home. Went to marine pharm and there was a boring movie about Hypocrates so I fell asleep right in front of the professor fml. And then I talk to mom and she basically doesn’t want me to go. But I have an obligation to at least come home for a few days over winter break even though I’m not sure if I wanna be there..I guess I don’t have anything to worry about because that one really does look like a man but the other one's face just pisses me the fuck off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what it is about her, but seeing pictures of her just pulls a bad side of me out that makes me want to slap her.

7:01 pm

Mom called and asked if I had enough money in my account, which I don’t so she said the only thing she could do to help me is by transferring my money into my bank account. That was helpful I guess but the one question that really pissed me off because it made me question it myself was: he’s a guy, why won’t he come visit you? And I said how he was basically paying himself through college, his parents weren’t helping out or anything..and it made me wonder if he does value me, like mom questioned. But then I also remember that one time he told me that if he had money he would but he can barely pay for food as it is..so many things pulling me back and forth it’s exhausting.

I think the only good thing that came out of today was that today's events motivated me even more to study harder so I can get a good enough job that I don't need to depend on anyone else. And for the moment, I need to get a job/internship so I'll have at least a little experience under my belt before graduation. I hate asking people for permission and it's even worse when you're forced to because of financial constraints..