Eggshells

10/18/09 11:59 am

Poor puppy, sometimes I don’t realize how hard it is for him, too. Last night he went out with a bunch of friends after visiting temples since morning. They went to a sake brewery and got free stuff so they all decided to go drinking by the river (the* place to be). Some rather intelligent girl decided to overindulge and got sick. That’s attractive. It’s difficult studying abroad, I think. Because sometimes there is not only a language barrier between you and the native speakers, but other study abroad people might be from places that don’t speak your language either. I think that’s why it’s called lonelyplanet..

He came home around 12 30 am and called me. I still kinda felt upset because people have somehow made it a running joke that all guys eventually leave, (and according to X, all girls lie). I feel somewhat bad, but at the same time I can use it to my advantage to make the situation as awkward as possible (for my own personal amusement of course). Example: Kuma chan somehow comes up in a conversation over dinner (from the people at the opposite end of the table) and suddenly a very noticeable hush falls over everyone. I look up because I was zoning out and folding a crane out of chopstick paper at the moment and X looks uber embarrassed as everyone else looks at me and he said “I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me..” or something to that effect. I go into dramatic mode just to bust his chops and say ‘you guys can talk about him, I don’t care! Go ahead!’ I don’t know if they knew it was just my own sick sense of humor acting up but they looked pretty embarrassed..

So anyway, he calls me and I’m still peeved because at least 4 people have had the wtf look and asked why when I told them he’d be leaving yet again, this time to work in guam..at a resort. So I’m in upset mode when he calls. I decide to roll over and say hi anyway. He tells me about his drinking escapade and the second I mention that the girl who got really drunk and puked everywhere couldn’t have been very attractive, he immediately tries to reassure me by saying she’s not cute, only speaks Chinese and her jp isn’t that good so they can’t communicate that well. He tells me that the flower-cabbage-other woman harem want to go t shirt shopping for him because one of them said that he has a horrible sense of style and he said he’s going to shijo to get underarmor and they invited themselves along to pick out clothes for him and I call them whores and he said well one of the reasons I wanted to go here was to learn how to dress better (even though he's perfect just the way he is). And I’m upset because he mentioned the harem again so I say I need to go to the library later, and need to sleep more now and rolled over.

He called me by my name for the first time in a while and it sounded so strangely foreign (it's completely absurd but there are times I wonder if he has forgotten my name, or even maybe that my name brings up the image of another person). There is talk of dreams and reality and how everything would be all better at the moment if the situation were different in some way. And there are students there studying abroad with him, but they have their girlfriends there with them, and I know exactly how he feels because my own friends, roommates, strangers in the streets get to walk hand in hand with their special person. And I still reach out my hand for just a second after exiting a movie theatre before realizing that he's not there. And even one of my close friends thought she saw him (because someone looked exactly like him from behind) and she grabbed me and yelled my name but then looked guilty because she thought she had said the wrong thing, to bring up something so ridiculous, as if he'd come back to be with me. For a long time I had this delusion, that every time I heard or saw a plane, it could be him coming back from his travels. But of course, it only happened when I let my common sense leave me for a moment when I'm only semi conscious of reality.

I had a dream last night, in which I was traveling with my family (in Mexico I think). I ask where Panda (my cat) is and my other two dogs are. My dad replies that they got ran over and, don't I remember? I'm trying to find someone, but they've already left me behind (of course). I think I was frustrated more than anything about that person leaving because the only thing that made me especially sad was that I couldn't hug my animals anymore, especially Panda, who's overwhelmingly fluffy, snores a lot, walks on my face when I'm sleeping, and guards my door. It was a strange dream and I'm not sure if it means anything or if I begin to find a pattern of disaster when I allow myself to get too close to people. But maybe it has made me stronger, realizing that I can take care of myself because there is no point in depending upon others if they're just going to leave in the end. I left my brother behind when I left for college, so maybe it's karma.

At least I have judo. Several people have said it before and now I agree: judo is my one true love because it'll never leave me (although it might make me cry). Come to think of it, I never realized my physical pain tolerance and my emotional pain tolerance were in such disproportion. But then again they are two very different types of injury..I have a good immune system, I've sparred a lot so bruises cuts, sprains or breaks aren't really a big deal since I know they'll heal (unless it's a knee or joint problem-then I'll be screwed for life). Heartache, on the other hand sucks, plain and simple. There is absolutely no medicine you can take for it (even though some misguided youths have gone to alcohol/drugs-the former of which is a well known depressant, thereby making it even worse). Some people binge eat, but then they gain weight, which makes them even more depressed. Personally I work myself into exhaustion till I can fall asleep without thinking..usually school work, or physical exercise. Doing random things with people helps too. Just talking to people about the mundane, but that comes very close to a hairline that can set off the trigger. Try as I might, it seems as though everything, everything I ever bring up or try to converse about with other people somehow leads back to him. And that just pisses me off.

I remember once, when we had gone out for a while, it was raining so I was biking to his place in the rain. In the past I'd just go at it because I love the feeling of rain on my face and everything smells cleaner, but at that moment, I remember feeling cold, wet, and very uncomfortable. The only thought running around in my head was that I wanted to get to that apartment so I could be wrapped up in his warmth. And it made me feel like a helpless cat stuck in the rain. How sad. I think I realized that day that I was becoming a little too dependent and that maybe I should take a step back before it consumes me. But it was just too comfortable to leave, so I stayed. That's a little ironic, come to think of it.