Dreaming

"You'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior." Salinger

I found myself in a minor bit of depression for some reason today. Nothing really terrible or traumatic happened earlier in the day and the reason I can possibly fathom is so insignificant that I refuse to consider it.

Went into lab early today but when I got there, Grad Student wasn't there and when I got out my phone to call her I noticed that she'd texted me 2 hrs earlier (my phone was off till just then) saying that she wouldn't be able to make it and wants to reschedule to next week. So went off to the library; calves, ankles and feet still protesting despite the biking because of yesterday's exercise. Got quite a bit of studying done and felt somewhat prepared for the language midterm at 12. Got there early and finished the test before time was up. Was invited to lunch but turned him down because of lab in 10 minutes. I wonder if I felt sad today because I always turn down socializing in lieu of my studies (which hopefully will culminate into something someday).

Went to lab class and ran into a friend, where we made plans to make lunch/dinner Sunday. Finished today's experiment fairly competently, my lab partner was also less condescending than usual which was a small victory. Planned to go to the library right after class but not eating/eating very little made me think that I'd pass out if I went into studying mode without eating anything so went home to make lunch. Saw him for a bit. But today we had even less to say.

I really think that's the only thing that was upsetting me all day since lunch. I went home thinking I'd see his happy face but he just kind of stared at his computer screen and gave curt answers (given, any relationship will go into a lull if given enough time). As I spaced out, I thought about how the days before,when he first got there and for the past few days, he had gotten that look on his face (although it was even more prominent in the first couple weeks in which he literally jumped around with excitement from being in that country. It was just like before, when we had talked about how he'd be going to a country that he'd been in love (obsessed?) with and wouldn't be coming back. I was fine with it at the time, either because I thought we had a good enough connection that I just wanted to be with this person for a bit or I was bored of being single or just not thinking straight despite so many warnings. In any event, what worried me even more was when he said that just because he's in love with the country, he doesn't have to necessarily be there, it reminded me of the time when he used the same words with me I'll love you forever even if I can't be with you. I think that's the cruelest thing you can say, because you are, in so many words, saying I don't love you anymore, even if you think otherwise. Oh, and the fact that it defies all logic..like dressing up as HardGay and humping people while adamantly refusing to be called gay..or something like that. I thought about what I'd do if all this time, effort, and energy will be all for nothing because of indecisive people. I am losing to a bit of sunlight, the wind, and promiscuous girls loosely shrouded by innocence and sweet voices.
When the men crash into the rocks because they were thinking with the wrong head, I'll look on and laugh.

I also refuse to believe that the reason why we're constantly fighting around the time the weekend rolls around (or holidays) is because he goes out. Being accused of not trusting, I do trust, just not situations and the people around him. Things happen. I've been told so many times by people who got screwed over because of situational circumstances that involve no responsibilities and inhibitions. Especially when around a group of people one finds attractive. A distant attraction gets pushed out of the picture because out of sight, out of mind.

I get stressed, I go to sleep.

Even in dreams I don't get any rest. Dreamed of speaking to him after a risky escapade (him) in which we argue about what's moral. And we're not on the same page because even from the very beginning our core values had been on opposite sides of the spectrum in terms of defining what's right and wrong. Things escalate and we cut things off to cool down. I'm tinkering around on the internet and stumble upon a page with his picture and a conceited description, self advertising and asking if anyone wants to date him. I wake up disgusted with such a scenario. No more napping for me.

Losing myself in something I can depend on, never leaves, always interesting and has something to share. This I can actually support myself with for the rest of my life and be happy because in some way, shape, or form, I will be helping people and that'll do.

**Disclaimer: I never intend to sound harsh or criticizing, everything is wordvomit and I only intend to write anything that comes to mind. Some fragments might only have a loose connection to the previous statement; I tend to go off on tangents. Memories or abstract thoughts branch from the initial idea so excuuuse me if it sounds crazy to refer to something that has happened in the past.

CKAFETERNITY

I helped a friend out today and it made me feel pretty good about myself seeing as I haven't really helped anyone lately, being all caught up with trivial matters..felt like a mom after the kid's gotten his/her teeth pulled out and had to stop by a drug store to pick up pain killers.

On a different note, I dislike it when people flaunt their own characteristics for some reason..it could be strength or ability to do things or physical attractiveness. I find it terribly unattractive. Some people, though have arrogance fit into their personality-the charming smile and mischievous eyes, so it fits them in some weird way. That would be my tae kwon do instructor from back home, he was like a dad because I always asked him for advice, or even when I didn't he could tell something was up and we'd talk about it. He was always really helpful but dang, he was really arrogant. I guess you have (somewhat) a right to be when you graduated from Stanford, top of your class of hundreds of other chemical engineers and you get a position at a really good company straight out of graduating. He was confident in both intellectual and physical skills (competed in the olympics for tae kwon do). But maybe I'm acting like a shameless plug because I look up to him.

I've known men who believe themselves to be attractive (but really aren't, or are but not that amazing). It makes me think of the Calvin Klein, Abercrombie and Fitch, Eternity for Men herds..cattle lined up and photographed for other herds of sheep to gawk at. Is that how a real man is supposed to look?

When you're amazing and you know you're amazing, that's amazingly hot er attractive excuse me. But when you strike a pose (out of seriousness), thinking that people are looking on and drooling over what they don't have or what they want to be seen with, well it doesn't really impress me. Like the whole T shirt/sweatshirt pull thing where guys show off their abs. Not hot. But when a guy asks a question in a class of 100+, that's hot. But intellect aside, I like a little poochy belly..it makes the person seem softer, more huggable and healthier than someone with muscle stretched from their bones, ribs sticking out. Evolutionary adaptation: choose a mate that is healthy and will be able to provide for offspring. Skinny skinny weak people die alone (if Darwin ruled the social world).

I wonder if that's why my pets are often overweight-I play with them but I constantly leave kibble out because I don't want them to be hungry. >>Mr. Panda now has fat flabs that would probably allow him to glide off a table like a sugar glider if he were to jump off<<

I love my cuppy cakey sugar puppy honey bun because he has the traits of a healthy, knowledgeable person (usually; ever since he started living on the Island, he's been dropping weight and on the verge of disappearing). I want him to be healthy, happy, and full of life. But it seems that lately he's jumped on the bandwagon of skinny cows and passing fads to lose all that healthy weight and be a skinny skinny boy with raging ribs and sunken eyes..in a turtleneck. Ok, so maybe I made the last part up, but for some reason whenever I see a flat stomach on a guy with defined muscles, it shuts me down completely. Very odd and nonsensical for my sex but nonetheless true.

Every so often I love getting into a good, silly/serious argument. It's funny hearing about another person's perspective and trying to prove the person wrong by showing your side. Although, it very noticeably gets less fun when the argument turns from verbal banter to attacking the person on another level (either moral, personal, or what have you). I could never talk to certain people precisely because of this reason.

Fwoowheet

Gah. Today was just a little bit of a failure.

Woke up early, but lazed around because I was still in dream mode and got out the door late.
Got into lab 15 minutes late so waited around for 15 minutes and then went looking for the grad student I'm working with. Couldn't find her.
Went to the library to do a bit of studying before 12 o'clock class. Got an email from grad student saying that I was late and didn't show up.
Got an email from landlords saying new girl isn't paying anyone at the moment. Continued to email people, study for speech, GRE, wrote up lap protocol till class started.
Did said speech. Forgot a few of the more complicated sentence structures I'd written down. Chinese girl did really well and kinda set the grading curve because everyone was impressed with hers.
Finished the first lab experiment of the quarter within the first 10 minutes of class and still feel kind of lost as to what the objective of the whole thing was (transduction is a ~).
Went to library to study more GRE but got sleepy and hungry (!) so went home.
Talked to him for a bit (made my day a little..but just a little) before he took of for finals.
Went to the Meeting and now I think government dogs are sillier than ever. Although I admit that it takes some skill to give a 2 hour conversation using big words that don't really explain exactly what they're doing..but then again I guess they have an excuse when it's all classified and a threat to their safety to reveal anything..I guess. In any case, I don't think that the job positions I heard about today are for me. You sacrifice too much. And I'm sure it's worth it because there were people there who've been in the Business for 20, 30 years now. But I wonder if near the end, they'll regret all they gave up and had to go through to stay in the Business.
Came home to lend my car to some friends whom I regrettably couldn't join in for the tri-weekly Fight club nights.
Had yogurt for dinner to redeem myself for the croissant and meat I had earlier.
Went back to studying before I got distracted by my thoughts and had to write them all down.

Owari.

Paper bag

I feel fat, there's no other way to put it. I'm not fatter than the heaviest I've ever been in my life. But regardless, I am putting on weight and it's not attractive or healthy. No more eating out starting tomorrow (except for outings with the Club). I didn't become self conscious until I went out today with a friend to Wendy's and we both got chocolate Frostys (~12-14 oz). I finished mine fairly quickly while he (a guy) was struggling with his and complaining that they had given him too much. I've been embarrassed about out eating people before, but now it's all the more obvious. I need to get back on track and stop indulging. He doesn't say anything, actually reassures me, but I still feel as if I'm not as attractive as I once was.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I can (and usually do) eat so much..Glutton.

I only ever been called chubby by family members so I'm somewhat used to it..but I've heard friends and lover speak about other fat people. And it is cruel. I would have cried if they had said those things to me. Some people have uncontrollable appetites. We are programmed to eat when hungry so it would make sense for people to continue to eat if they continue to feel hungry. I eat sometimes when I'm depressed or stressed. It's not an excuse and I have control over it, but I've still let myself down in regards to my previous resolutions. I don't want to be rejected like Hamburger Girl or Tommy's Guy.

No more buying yummy food. I should eat as is necessary. Breakfast: yogurt/oatmeal lunch: eggs/ham sandwich dinner: salad/spaghetti. I don't snack so I wonder if I'm just eating too much when I actually sit down to eat.

I was always told that I should lose weight but I guess I was just too self confident to take anything seriously. It's become a problem and I'm conflicted as whether to take it in stride or go all out on a strict diet and strenuous exercise (ie sweat more). When I can eat more than men bigger than me, there is a slight problem. Ugh what a disappointment to let oneself go. I used to be so light back then, when I was fightin' men everyday for an hour. Now it's down to once, or three times a week. And of course I'm constantly eating in between.

I wonder what would happen if I went really overboard..as in if instead of gaining 7 pounds I gained 20 something pounds.. because of a certain condition many women face at some point in their life..I would lose people wouldn't I? I'd have to waddle around and not be able to bend over. I can't exactly starve myself at such a time because that would be a crime in itself. Hmm what to do..

Book

I was called 'crazy' because I was afraid of losing someone important to me..so much so that this fear began to penetrate my dreams. People are very easily influenced, I think. When the same thing has been mulling around my mind for days, it is very likely to show up in dreams. So it makes sense for me to have a bad dream about losing this person to hypothetical girl. I wonder if I'd react the same way as dream me would-get on with life in the same day. I don't think so. In reality, the first separation really dug a hole in my life and I was depressed for weeks because of wondering whether it would work (based on what others had told me).

Went to Church for the first time in a while (here, I mean). I'd been so caught up with petty issues, work, the Future*, that I'd forgotten about what calms me the most. Believing in something that will pull me through anything. Relationships in colleges cause drama, pain. Meditation and martial arts have been the only stable things that carried me through all this time. When I'm practicing, my mind is a complete blank, as if a curtain went down on the world. The same thing happens when I swim laps because the water mutes everything out and all I can focus on is moving my body and breathing. I need to get back into that, come to think of it. But it's been so cold as of late. I've noticed that I find excuses to get out of the things I should do. Like going to Church. I thought to myself, it's too early and cold to go out, I'll study and then go at night. Nighttime rolls around and I need to make dinner, or do the work I was putting off because of the Internet. I prayed for the people in Haiti, people who can't speak out and those who are sick, my family, that I can make them proud, that Me and Him will work out and we'll be happy together. In Church today there were people inviting everyone to be part of the community by going to various events; Spaghetti Mafia Night, Enchilada Dinner,..I tried to get to know people in this community once. But for some reason, it had backfired so badly that I was afraid to ever try again. I remember trying to reach out to people but it was always overly awkward and the only time we could connect was when one person was in tears (retreats tend to be very emotional for some reason..especially for overly religious individuals). I felt very out of place. I only realized that it was not the thing for me when I went back to judo the following week after the Retreat and found myself so much happier than when I was up in the mountains (not to mention I also found someone I came to love very much so). I think someone was trying to tell me to just go at my own pace and not force things upon myself. I believe in something, but I can't be around people who so blindly throw themselves into this thing as to close their eyes to everything else around them. Wanting to repent and sacrificing oneself needlessly are very different. I think several people there were reaching out for help because the one thing that was supposed to be saving them (religion) was making them hate themselves (out of guilt among other things).

I am happy because I am grateful for all the things I have been given. I have never gone a day without noticing how thankful I am for being healthy, being able to walk and see, for having a family that cares more for me than I can imagine, for meeting someone that might possibly be with me for a while so I don't have to go at it alone.

PS I also got a break for torturing poor helpless rat guys because the paperwork hasn't gone through yet. Ergo I will be doing cytology (looking at slides of cell cultures) tomorrow~woohoo.

PSS I still miss my cuppy cake cuddle wuddle gumdrop snoogums-boogums, apple of my eye.
Thoughts while brushing me teeth: there has always been a countdown, it used to be bad (counting down till he'd leave) but now it's good (days till he gets to come here), although everytime he or I visits, there is another countdown to when one of us has to leave. >>When will it end???<<

dreams and reality

I wake up and the first thing I notice is excruciating pain. It's not just the searing pain in my left shoulder which I got from judo the night before/sleeping on the couch in a weird position..but my heart and mind were destroyed as well.

Came home last night from a friend's birthday party and it seems as if when I've been drinking, I tend to run my mouth and become even more brutally honest than usual..like when I almost started a fight with some spanish guy who was apparently deeply offended by the fact that I moved him out of the way to check on a friend who was on the ground, (stating that he wasn't an animal so I shouldn't treat him that way). In any event, went home because even before I'd gotten there all I'd wanted to do was be with him. Even if he's not here physically. I really don't like the whole reverse attraction thing (in which people in relationships are often hit on) because I'd been so lonely for the past 8 years (counting from when I'd actually started to want to be with someone), no one noticing me. And now that I'm actually involved with someone, people begin to find me attractive/cute/whatever.

So the first thing I do is call him because I want to see him. And I set up the couch for sleep time, he just asks how my night was. Everything was fine until one of us brought up something or other that leads to a full fledged fight. We start talking about things that although I knew (or had an inkling) to be true before hand. But it surprises me that it should hurt after he confirmed it. Guy laws I guess some people call it. I knew that guys think of sex very easily, they're easily turned on and think about sex with women even when they're in a relationship. I know that. But it doesn't hurt any less to hear that it's true. I'm not sure if that hurt more than hearing the assumption that I was only friends with a person because I felt sorry for them, that was pretty painful to hear. Because although it might seem arrogant, I'd always thought I was a decent person. And I'd wanted to become friends with her simply because she was a good person to talk to and I wanted to hear her stories and learn from her since she'd had more experience with life than I had. I never felt sorry for her because I knew that she could hold her own and only depended on people when she felt like it (people will become withdrawn and depressed without physical contact). It might be presumptuous to believe this, but for me it's true.

Fought about how serious the relationship was after all this time. I'm not sure if it was just in my mind in which the thing escalated into something more than a "college relationship", but so many things have been said and done to make me think otherwise. I still get jealous and worry that I'm going to lose this person..now even more so because of the whole sex fantasy thing. It's not in my power to change someone's nature, especially when it's something as inherent as a sex drive. But I think that at a certain stage in life, people are much more hedonistic than usual ( I never whined about physical pain so much before). People give into whims and fantasies when given the chance or reason to ~alcohol removes all inhibitions. I saw two good friends give into this and put aside all propriety because they 'didn't know what they were doing'. I'm sure they didn't. But it wasn't a bad thing because neither was in a relationship (or so I assume). What would happen if you have that same situation, a party with alcohol, single inebriated girls, and a guy in a relationship? It's probable for the same exact thing to happen. Because we're all human. Relationships, especially rocky ones, have a difficult time holding up when everything else seems so much more appealing.

I'm sure I don't appear to be as cute or as kind when this person first met me. Because before I met him I didn't even know what envy was. I was happy go lucky with my life because everything was going in a good direction. I wonder if being in any relationship has the potential to turn one into a cynic.

Relationships can be so very fickle. I was looking through pictures of my friend while he was traveling with his then girlfriend. They were together for 3 years and they looked so happy in every picture. I wonder what happened. It interests me as to what course of events leads to something like that, where two people are deliriously happy with each other, travel the world together (and presumably bond even closer during their adventures) only to have it break into pieces one day.

I'm scared for my own relationship because it's been so nebulous as of late. Earlier in the day yesterday I was at the grocery store getting food I think he'd like and planning out what I should cook when he gets here. I see an old couple walking to their car and smile for them. I go down the canned food aisle and there's an old lady shopping for herself and it makes me sad. I remembered the people I've met so far, people who lose their spouse either to divorce or death (personally I think the latter is far more painful because you can never see them again no matter what you do). I wondered if that pain would be worth the honeymoon and struggling phases of a marriage. I was naiive and stupid when I got into this because I let my heart overrule my mind. I wasn't thinking that one day the thing that made me so happy would also be the thing that made me cry.

I wish Disney had mentioned in the stories that before the happily ever after happened, Prince Charming was off trying to get to know Snow White (camping in the woods), Belle (getting cursed by a witch because he called her ugly), and the Little Mermaid (on vacation, sailing around) before ending up with Cinderella. The Prince Charming in fairy tales, who only goes after one girl and only thinks of that one girl during their whole relationship/marriage doesn't exist. Guess I shouldn't be surprised.

It really hurts right now. We argue about the same things over and over and I wonder why we can't just resolve it with love. And I'm always told that I don't trust and I don't know how to respond because I thought that the fact that I'm still investing time into this thing means that I trust in this..

Requests sans demands

Today was another rainy day. It was raining everywhere I think. Had another huge, unwanted, and unexpected fight with him. So went off on my day completely out of sorts and distracted. Got physiology late but came up with some questions after class and sat in the front row so that the professor know that I'm a decent student. Went to bacteria class and for some reason, whenever I'm stressed, not only does it make my hair turn white, I get sleepy no matter where I am or who I'm with.

Having been told (not verbatim of course) that maybe he's falling out of love with me (I had gotten so caught up in moments and words that I forgot about the whole commitment thing and how, at this stage in life, it's a little too early to think about something so far off. Because to commit oneself at such a young age only sometimes works out. You're not fully aware of who the other person (or you, even) is. My parents told me to give it time for some reason once. And I remember my tae kwon do sensei lecturing us about his failed marriage, how you never really know someone because after 5 years of dating and 7 years of being married, she leaves him and takes their daughter. It's upsetting.

So I was distracted the entire day wondering if this is all progressing the way I wanted it to. Or maybe everything was taken back

The sky's broken again

Today was..strange (and slightly worrisome). Got to sleep in for once (cause lab was cancelled) and tried to talk to puppy but it didn't really work, (I'm wondering if I have selective Asperger's since I say very socially awkward things that make people uncomfortable sometimes). Went to meet with the lady to turn in my research paperwork when he fell asleep and got there 15 minutes late because of the rain and wind. I was worried that she'd chew me out about being late and unprofessional because I saw an undergrad get destroyed by someone from the same dept the other day. But she looked apologetic once she saw my rainsoaked hair, jeans and jacket (despite the poncho). She said she didn't realize it was so rainy outside and apologized that I had to come in. Japanese class was uneventful (learned a new sentence structure, practiced speaking and connecting sentences so we don't have to do the blahblahblah desu. blah desu. Went to bacteria lab and I felt like an idiot because I'd gotten a very disturbing call right after japanese (previous roommate called saying she might have to move out because she didn't know about the deposit/having to pay for last month's rent).

So I fumbled through lab, my partner guiding me through the procedure and me going off to ask the TA for clarification every so often. We finished early because today wasn't that complicated. I immediately call the old roommate and of course she doesn't pick up. I call two other girls before giving up and trying the replacement girl (who answers and says she's free to discuss things with the landlords later in the day). Go home to wait for the meeting time and talk to kareshi for stress relief. I only got in 15, 20 minutes before she called me and I had to leave and say goodbye.

I get there, the landlords are, as usual uber happy to see people (a naturally cheerful couple). We sit down and they're straight to business, taking out papers, replacement girl's signing things and then halfway through they bring up the first month's rent and down payment, which is when everything goes downhill. She tells them she lost her job (to which later on she says she 'quit' because they didn't give her a raise..) and was still trying to find a job, but was certain her dad would be able to pay her rent. So then they look at her info and see that her cosigner isn't even in CA so I have to pay for one of the months of rent. And the landlords are looking at me like I'm going to get screwed over if I go through with this. They write it all down and she owes me more than 1,000 (3 months of rent+deposit). But I'm desperate because it took so long to find a replacement so I agree to it. And I'm wondering if this is the worst mistake I could have made. The landlords brought up the fact that if she can't find a job and moves out then everyone gets screwed. They decide to waive my 'breaking contract fee' because I'm trusting this girl and going out on a limb and then mail the lease off to her mom. I finally got the list of signatures of the girls accepting the replacement except one girl because she wasn't home (even though I saw her the day before and reminded her to sign it).

Went home and was conflicted between relieved that I might've gotten a replacement finally if the paperwork goes through and wondering how I'm going to pay rent for my current apartment if this girl doesn't pay me. Finally get back to this much more comfortable place only to see I was out longer than I thought I'd be and couldn't see my puppy because he'd already left for school (I'd wanted to ask him why he was smiling right before I put my computer to sleep). But maybe it's just because we'd ended the call on a happy note (for once). Got down to studying for a bit and then got an unexpected call assuming that I'd be going to judo. So biked in the rain to get my car and give a ride to 4 people (2 new people this time). Practice wasn't that good this time because I didn't learn anything new and no one wanted to play with me because I'm so short (and a girl). So I annoyed the heck out of one of the black belts attempting the weirdest technique I've seen in a while (getting out of guard via cartwheel). I was deathly afraid of stepping on this guy's face so kept stopping in mid cartwheel and ending up in a weird teddy bear type cartwheel. Did newaza and that was fun because someone had to pair up with me since we were an even number. I was sad I didn't get to practice with one of the higher belts so that I could learn something new because the white belts always came to me.

Oh, and the ride from and to judo were incredibly awkward. Mix in 4 socially awkward, quite people who don't know each other and you get a painful silence the whole ride. Tried to start conversations a few times (what's your major/have you ever had raw egg with rice?) but they all died fairly quickly. Or maybe they were just silently questioning my choice in music (Love Story , Taylor Swift transitioning to Sexy B****, Akon).

Made cheese and spinach ravioli with herb cheese blend (ok, it was frozen and I just had to boil them but still) with a spinach salad. It was good, but lonely. Finished homework nonchalantly (still wondering if I should drop a certain class because in all likelihood I'll never use this skill since plans have changed since then).

Tomorrow: morning: hopefully I get to see my puppy
10am physiology
11am bacterial pathogenesis (midterm next week woo)
12pm japanese (oral presentation next week and need to pay for a blown up picture of kazuko~gah)
1pm go into bacteria lab and put plates into fridge
2pm physiology discussion (quiz I'm studying for right now)
3pm (marine pharm lab~fun!)
?? giving key to/warning replacement that she'll get kicked out if she doesn't pay me rent

I hate confrontations, but I also hate getting taken advantage of.

It's probably the saddest thing (in the colloquial sense) you've ever seen and or heard of, but when I'm having a bad day and feeling lonely and sick, I'll listen or watch videos of us together and everything's all better. I was listening to a recording of an argument we had once, when he was getting frustrated with me and I was getting upset about being afraid of losing him and having him not understand. He (maybe out of frustration) said that he likes talking to me about my biology stuff because it's new and interesting in comparison to his own studies (why he wouldn't go after someone in the same field) and that once, I had an interest in japanese too, but 'now, you apparently hate Japan and everything related to it'. I don't know what changed about myself because surely he didn't change that much in a few months and the country is as it always was (from a tourist's perspective). But when I last went, people were unfriendly, I felt discriminated against, was torn away from someone I loved because of stupid rules, and then I had to meet those who stole him away from me. I had to sit through awkward conversations desperately trying to hold onto something I thought I'd lost and finding, every so often, that I did lose him (even if it was only moments at a time, it was scary all the same). I don't hate Japan , but I'm also not willing to move there like I once thought I would. Because I just know that if I was there, being so far away from the ones I love and living somewhere I didn't want to be, surrounded by people who didn't want me there, I would most likely go into a deep depression within 3 weeks or so (or whenever the novelty wears off).

I really miss someone right now..

Poltergeist

Sometimes I'm so slow it makes me laugh at myself.
I was taking notes and reading for bacterial pathogenesis when all of a sudden ~~ starts scrolling across the page and I try to close the window but it won't close and then I'm freaking out because if I broke my computer, I've lost the biggest connection I have with him and I wouldn't be able to see him for a long time. I try to see if anything else is going wrong, go onto Mozilla and the little ~~~ are scrolling across the search bar like a message from the dead or something. Then I look at my keyboard and notice that a corner of the book is pressed on the ~ key. ..Wow.

Words

It's been happening more and more frequently recently and that worries me very much so. I watch recorded memories of us and remember how it was and is supposed to be and how now is so very different from that. Doing so makes me feel like I'm sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised and I just get sucked into my memories and what I wish for the most at the moment.

No more arguments and frustration. No more melodrama. Just love. Please?


Today was a bit of a mixed fruit day. It started out with sour grapes; thunderbolts and lightning, an argument, getting to the lab late and finding out that my lab partner went ahead and did all the work, just getting ready to leave as I got there. ever. Because it hurts when people say things and I should have thought about it, and known that saying such things would leave an impression. But I was slightly unreasonable and upset that he's not here (yes, still) so I said whatever thoughts floated to mind, even though I knew I'd hit a nerve at some point. I wish I could take it back, and yet I worry that if I put it all into a container and lock it away, one day all of this will come up in some conversation and it will be the avalanche that destroys what we've been building up all this time. Another thing I was thinking of is that as I've gotten older, I've gotten more and more paranoid. When I was little I thought I could never get hurt or die (because I rarely got sick and almost never injured). Earlier I was doing laundry and there was a black bike parked around the corner but I almost jumped out of my skin because I was thinking rape. It terrified me for some reason because I know I can take care of myself. I've done it for so long, so what do I have to fear? But I think the thought came up because earlier I was taking the first load of laundry up the stairs and a strange man was going the other way but then abruptly turned around and headed up the stairs after me. The silence was deafening and it was something like out of a horror movie, I wondered if people would hear me if I screamed and all I could think was I need to get this door open but the stupid key wouldn't go in because I had it upside down. Only later would I realize that if I was in any real danger it might've been safer for me to stay outside since there's a family living in the apt across from me, whereas if I went into an apt by myself (roommate was out), I'd be in trouble if he were to rush me.

Grah, I think that last year spoiled me far too much, I'd gotten used to being near my big strong boyfriend that I forgot what it was like to have to stand on my own. I used to leave for work at 5:30 am on Saturdays and I'd get back at 1 or 2 am. Each time I had to ride my bike for 10 minutes to/from a dark parking lot smack in the middle of no where and the lights were broken so at night you couldn't see more than a few feet in front of you and the parking lot was sandwiched between a soccer field and stadium so when I saw someone coming, it terrified me. But it was always only for a split second and then I'd put my brave face on and get into killing mode. I might've destroyed someone at the time if they were to come up behind me and tap me on the shoulder. I know I can protect myself. But it still worries me every so often because of what's on the news. ie. my poor puppy who just wanted to set up a romantic walk and I ended up freaking out because I thought he'd kill me and scatter my body parts across the mountain side. Poor puppy. **

**Note: Most women are eccentric. Notice that the words mad, insane, psycho, crazy are never appropriate.

Pursuit of Happiness

I am determined to make this work. I'm not sure when, exactly, it became all too important for me to give up on.
Maybe it was the rain, or the strawberry shortcake icecream, or the movies. But somewhere along the line, it became something I had to have in the future.

I've been afraid recently, of what will happen after graduation. Last year and this year has been my life vacation. I don't have to work because I'm focusing on classes, so the afternoon naps and Saturday night parties, trips to LA and Japan all fit in. It was convenient (except for the latters, those weren't exactly convenient). In any case, right now everything is set and part of the plan because this is where I have to be. Situational circumstances forcing me to be here, however tiresome it gets sometimes, is reassuring, it's safe and certain. The future on the other hand, is still cloudy and I'm not sure when that's going to clear up.

Another thing that worries me is whether or not we've gotten over the bell curve. That is to say, in the beginning we were both still deliriously happy (or rather, I should speak for myself and say that I was deliriously happy) because neither of us ended it that last night (to be soon contradicted by a hidden letter). Everyday I'd look forward to the talks of missing someone, daily nuances that would have been so much easier had he been here, telling stupid jokes and stories but giggling about it because I had someone to share all of those experiences with. Then it transitioned to a period of fear that I'd lose him, because of the terrible (or should I say only slightly?) people around him, mainly H1 and H2, although there could be more, I don't know. Ergo everything went downhill from there. Men are simply that, just men. At the basest level (no matter how loving devoted, honest, or good they are) they will react just as any other man would react. A touch, or whisper, words, a smile or gesture all contribute to the crumbling of resolve and commitment. Add alcohol and everything goes up in flames, quite literally. I've seen men, either single or taken react to other women. And it sickens me by their lack of resolve. Hypocrites, I think. Saying that one man is different, or better than another is ignorance. So I may be overly jealous, if you should put it that way, but at least I have a decent perception to know the difference between a good and bad situation.

And I am not looking forward to another half a year of this.

Just earlier this month, I was there and everything seemingly hunkydory. A month in and we're back to fighting about who's wrong or right, playing with the idea of taking the easy way out and just ending everything and I'm still mulling over what's inappropriate and whether or not everything has changed from what I fell in love with to begin with and maybe this wasn't right and should have ended long ago. Back to words of a future and then we oscillate between being madly in love and despising the situation/complete apathy, back to wondering if this will ever work out, and if not, then what is the point of all this effort. I wonder if we're over the hump on the bell cure and everything will be good again, or if it's just a sine wave and this feeling of hurt and loneliness will never end because it never was meant to be and I should have taken those red flags of strip clubs, brutal honesty to the point of cruelty, forcefulness, sex obsession, the wrong reasons to get to know me (race, misunderstood culture, love of cuteness, being the alternative to previous rejections..eh. I don't know anymore. But it's class time and back to the rat race.

Retrograde

It's so very difficult sometimes, to do this. When I was little my mom told me that 9 out of 10 things in life go wrong, or at least, not the way you wanted them to. Just as I begin to think that things are finally beginning to take shape, someone throws a pebble in the water.

They say if you're near ink, you'll turn black. I think that's true or at least in the cases that I've seen. Some beliefs are just too stubborn to change because you've been raised a certain way, or you hold certain things to be true. It may seem irrational or unreasonably stubborn, but I hold this to be true. Being around certain people or environments changes you. Either for better or worse, depending on the situation. I was around cynics and cruel, apathetic people. I became cynical, negative, indifferent to people's feelings. I began to hate myself for changing in such a way, so I left. At heart, I'll always be (or at least strive to be) a good person, helping others when I can because I can and wanting to be the kind of person that others would come to if they needed someone to listen. I want to understand people and feel the way they feel so I can learn about all the different stories out there. But I wonder if some changes are irreversible. It's like ion channels, sometimes there are ligands that can bind on and off to activate/deactive the channel and then others are like organophosphates, permanently destroying the channel, cell and eventually leading to death (see Aum Shinrikyo and sarin.

I'm in love, I'm upset, I'm jealous, I'm over it. It's so difficult sometimes. There are days I wake up and I just don't want to face the world. Because it seems as if being rejected one more time, or criticized would just break me. I'd start tearing up when I began to list things I need to address, things I'd been avoiding. Because it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know where to start.

When I met him, I felt as if I could take on the world. Talking to him now still makes me feel the same way. Even when we're not together and the only way we can communicate is through an interface.

Missing You

My face always wrinkles up whenever you're away.

You (yes, you) need to stop being so adorable.

March of the Salarymen

I think that I've found out why Japanese society is generally well ordered and people are kept under stringent control to make a nicely homogenized family.

Today, a friend of mine came by my Japanese class because she wanted to sit in since she hadn't had japanese in a while and missed it. When she asked my teacher if it was alright, the middle aged japanese lady immediately said nonono you can't be here. My friend asked if it was alright to just sit in for today. She finally says fine you can stay for today, but you really need to sign up for the class.

I just had a flashback to when I got kicked out of my boyfriend's place in japan. The landlady had made me feel like a criminal and the memory of staring down at my feet and shivering in a cold hallway while I'm being grilled about why I'm there was a little more than traumatizing. A few years back I probably would've cried on the spot.

In both of these events, there is the repeated phrase of you can't, not allowed, the rules, you're not supposed to. Honestly, I wonder if japanese life is so set in stone that there is not such thing as an exception to the rule. At the boyfriend's place, sure they say no visitors and I can respect the fact that if I were running a dorm hall I wouldn't want escorts or strippers or people I've never met coming in and out. But what if a sibling is visiting their homesick sister/brother or if instead of the one night stand it was a girlfriend/boyfriend visiting the person they're deeply in love with and miss to death? It has to mean something when someone puts down a grand to fly 12 hours and then drive another 2 hours to see said person. I'm not a bad person, I respected the people who live there and the property itself and I'm sure there are a bunch of people who feel the same way but there are rules. I wanted to tell the landlady to go ahead and interview me so she could see what kind of person I was and that having me stay there for 8 days wouldn't make the place blow up. But she was too intent on reciting her mantra of what was and wasn't allowed. What I hated most was the fact that she threatened expulsion. Here in the US, if something like that ever came up there would be riots, probably. That woman had a heart of stone because I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't break at the sight of watching two adults hugging each other and crying from being separated. When I had my passport locked away and was worried about not being able to go to japan at all, I called the bank and got transferred to a desk person. I explained to her my situation and her voice broke as she expressed her sympathies and tried to find someone who could help me.

It's hard being so far away from the people and person you love. I have a bunch of stuffed animals, an old sweater and T shirt, 2 blankets, a foam mattress pad, concert/movie/park tickets, random toys, cards made of leaves, match book from the Stinking Rose, chocolate boxes, a binary necklace, the memory of a scent, a squeaky bed, places, a happy sunshine buddy, cell phone charms, pictures, and last minute video clips to remind me that what I had was and still is real . It's so easy to chalk it up to a very realistic dream. I know it happened but I guess what's so saddening is that I am constantly wondering why things of that nature aren't happening at this moment (because he's sleeping when I'm awake). I wonder why I'm sitting on the couch alone when I could be having someone sprawled across my lap, or why I'm going to sleep alone when, at one point in time, I got to go to sleep wrapped up in someone's arms for quite a while. And I wonder why watching movies by yourself is just never the same (no morbid, off handed jokes or comments or the occasional fart to emphasize a movie line). I have a waterbottle to myself, food that I don't have to share. And I don't like it. I want to have someone around to hug and feed and wake up with. I really miss that. But I wonder if things will ever be the same because I realized at this moment in time, that after he's done visiting, there will another 6 months of separation before there's even the possibility of seeing him again. Grah! I don't like this at all.

meanie

Leave behind the semi conveniently located apartment and some of your worldly possessions, move into a place in the middle of butt **** nowhere, and you come home to this

I'm not sure, but I may be having second thoughts about this whole thing. It was fun at first, I guess, but then again I didn't really know what was going on. And anything had to be better than that.

I stand corrected.

I wonder if this is how the universe teaches you how little importance you actually are. As in, if you get this , someone else will also get that.

You are not a special snowflake.

I finally found it just to lose it. Then I get to see a bunch of people find it while I'm still grieving about what I just lost and trying to hold the pieces together. At least now I know how they must've felt when I was being obnoxiously happy about my find.

Cruel lessons in empathy.

The tragedies of distance

It's terrible to base something so important on something as unreliable as the internet.

Doing this sucks~ the waiting, frustration with bad connections, different time zones (I'd rather be awake when I'm asleep), having to relocate so I don't disturb someone. Talking about my day while farmvilling to distract myself because it would be so much better if we were just lying in bed, about to dose off cuddling (in comparison to sitting on the floor in the living room at 11 o'clock at night listening to him talk about his day and not being able to make everything better with physical contact).

Living things in general are pretty silly, I think. I was playing with my roommate's puppy and she started whining when I stopped petting her for a second to do something. I get 2 weeks of pampering; of hugs and kisses and snuggling and it's still not enough. I went into withdrawal while I was getting in the cab and heading to the airport. Grah I'm as needy as Panda cat (who starts meowing if he's not in the same room as someone).

Bedtime

Nothing could be better than if you were here with me right now. I'd take care of you with delicious homemade chicken noodle soup (or my version of) and we'd watch cheesy horror movies and you'd make me jump every single time. But before I get mad you'd smother my face in kisses and we'd resume watching and cuddling. And I might fall asleep at some point and you'd startle me awake for more kisses. Nothing could be better.

And sometimes late at night, just because we can, we'd take a blanket outside to look at the stars even though it's just a little too cold (but just right for snuggling).

And there would be no more frustrations or misunderstandings cause I just have to roll over to kiss your nose.

We'd spend our day doing serious business, saving the world, one petri dish or top secret mission at a time and then we'd go home to tv, cookies, and hugs and kisses.

Bad days wouldn't be such a bad thing because then we can go home to each other to whine and get smothered in love (ie. chocolate milk and crazy straws).

And the only competition we'd have is on Farmville (Me:1 Him:1)

We'd go to sleep perfectly content because I'm not missing you and you are Home and you are loved.

Floaties

When I was little my mom told me a story about an old forest and the sleep fairies that live there. They come visit you at night and make you go to sleep. I wish these fairies would visit everyone, because rest can heal just about anything.

Yesterday

I really hate it when the person you need the most is never there.

Resolution

I've been told I've changed quite a bit from the time of the first meeting by several people. Maybe I've adopted a few new mannerisms or cynicisms, but essentially I'm the same person I think. It might be considered nosy, but I still want to know about people's life stories so I can appreciate them as a person better. I still want to understand what people, what drives them and why they act the way they do. Hmm, come to think of it, I think that's a major change-whereas a few years ago I saw reaching out and understanding people from a humanitarian's perspective, now my thoughts and writings have taken on more of a clinical perspective. Bleh. Well, one thing's for sure,

I'll always want to know about your dreams and what you want to do when you're old and what kind of person you want to be with when you're old..grah another thing I've noticed is that when I just let my consciousness float away and I'm trying to think about nothing, I start thinking about him. It's a little sad though, because despite all of the efforts, tears, energy, time, money, whatever either of us put into this thing, in all probability we won't be ending up together. I've asked myself what exactly, this thing is. I've wondered if it exists in this circumstance or even at all because it's a little too silly and too much straight out of a Disney movie to be pure and real. But at the moment, all I know is that this thing lets me spend days at a time with this person without getting a case of cabin fever or going allworkandnoplaymakejackadullboy- stir crazy. I take better care of myself because I don't want this person to be lonely, I'm happy even when me, my books, and I are drenched in rain, I smile when I just think about a moment we had, but tear up when I think about what could be happening at the moment but isn't happening because of certain circumstances. I wonder what will happen in the future and it's only happy predictions that come to mind. And I wonder what if things don't turn out right and what I'll do if Plans BCD don't pull through and the first thought that comes to mind is that as long as I have this person around, everything will be fine. Because I'm just so more confident in myself and everything else when he's around to support me. Even when it's such a simple thing as a hug. It's not something just anyone can do. I think that's what love is, and how you know it's floating around when you're wondering if the person is worth it..that when you start questioning, the answer is always yes.

I was worried for a time because I was ready to drop it so many times-especially when things got so hard. I didn't see a point in it anymore and I just came to terms with the idea of being alone again and being fine with that because I was alone for so long and everything was fine, (well as fine as a person who feels lonely can be) so it wouldn't be impossible to be on my own again if need be. Because the effort was just too much and I was feeling that I couldn't handle the stress or additional work it would take simply to hang onto this thing that might or might not even be there. But I stuck it out because things were just too harsh without him there and I felt as if it would most certainly not be okay if I were to just drop everything and go back to the way things were. I mean, it took 20 years to find this person, I'd basically have to invest another chunk of my life to finding another person. But not even that, it wouldn't be the same person so things would most certainly not be the same. I don't know anyone else who would put up with my dorkiness, or bouts of PMS/mood swings, or strange and morbid humor. I think most people would chalk it up to a mild case of insanity. But this person is actually okay with it, and besides just accepting it, he's actually endeared by it. It's completely irrational that I could find someone so understanding, but then again this might just be love-sick induced talk because I've heard it all before from other people. In any event, I'll just be happy with what I have because it's special, or at least compared to what I've seen out there. I could see this lasting longer than the average stick of gum. Love is being able to stay in the same room when you're not just bonking, laughing at stupid jokes when they're actually funny, being able to tell the person they're being stupid when they are, and wanting the other person to be happy no matter what.

I love you baby, and I always will. You want some chocolate milk?

-Kuma being silly at a karaoke bar (after singing Hero)

Moments

You wake up at NRT, KIX, get off the plane and get on a bus to Stockton, train to Bakersfield, bus to Santa Barbara. Yesterday/day before yesterday was exhausting. I had to say goodbye to him again and I don't know why but it was just as hard. I thought it would be easier this time but nope. All I did was sleep on the first half of the flight because then I could dream about him. It's a little sad but the only way I could convince myself that it wasn't all just a dream was by replaying the events in my head.

Getting off the shuttle at 12:30 am, seeing him for the first time in such a long time and the feeling of being squeezed by him and kissed on the head. Everything took on a dream like quality and I thought I would cry..I never understood that till then-the feeling of being so happy that you could cry.
Christmas day-getting caught by the scary landlady and getting separated again by outside forces. It might've been only one night, but it was incredibly frustrating that the little time I had with him was cut even shorter. I remember sleeping a cold room by myself and everything regressing back in time where all we had was texting on the phone.
Christmas night conflicts where we wanted to be with different people and I ended up farmvilling by myself in his room.
Getting my hopes up that he would come visit and turn down an offer to do an EAP thing in vietnam in the spring.
Holding hands to go up and down escalators and getting kissed on the forehead.
Running across the streets in The Japanese Tradition** way.
Holding hands in the same glove and watching our breath drift by as I'm hugging him around his waist and we're speeding down the street on a bike..before getting stopped by a bike officer.
Eating..lots and lots of eating (out) because I had to lay low at his place and for some reason we just never cooked at my place.

Realizing that love is being able to spend an entire day with a single person and not being driven insane by them.

Boiling water every night for the old fashioned water bottle heater and coming into the room to see him fixing the bed and everything is just too reminiscent of a future.

Waking up next to the person you love and having them kiss you awake is the most amazing feeling in the world. I think that's what heaven's like..along with the smell of meat roasting on a grill.

Sharing melon pan, takoyaki, fried chicken, feeding each other meat at a yakiniku and being disgustingly couply in public.

Realizing how lucky I am to have this man in my life as I see how lonely people can be out there, but at the same time knowing for a fact that I am with him because I love him to tears and not just because I want someone to cuddle with.

Having tiffs over dinner, on the subway, but always making up before going to sleep.
Running to the train to make things more dramatic, a long, cold walk home after a night of nomihodai and karoake.
Passing out right next to him and sleep talking to each other about our dreams and other random musings.
Cleaning teeth and giving facials..on New Year's~don't ask.
A river walk and hopping over stepping stones..after getting shown up by a toddler and a poodle.
Talkin' about our dreams and Star Wars.
Long walks to wherever with the one I love.

Asking if there will ever be a time when there;s no deadline and getting the response very soon baby.
Wondering if all the back scratches, hair smoothing, and kisses were all a dream and then letting everything settle into the way things were, back to seeing each other online and if we get to see each other in the morning,it's just all very fortuitous and makes me deliriously happy to be reminded that yes, we still are together and yes, we are happy (even though things could be better).