Pursuit of Happiness

I am determined to make this work. I'm not sure when, exactly, it became all too important for me to give up on.
Maybe it was the rain, or the strawberry shortcake icecream, or the movies. But somewhere along the line, it became something I had to have in the future.

I've been afraid recently, of what will happen after graduation. Last year and this year has been my life vacation. I don't have to work because I'm focusing on classes, so the afternoon naps and Saturday night parties, trips to LA and Japan all fit in. It was convenient (except for the latters, those weren't exactly convenient). In any case, right now everything is set and part of the plan because this is where I have to be. Situational circumstances forcing me to be here, however tiresome it gets sometimes, is reassuring, it's safe and certain. The future on the other hand, is still cloudy and I'm not sure when that's going to clear up.

Another thing that worries me is whether or not we've gotten over the bell curve. That is to say, in the beginning we were both still deliriously happy (or rather, I should speak for myself and say that I was deliriously happy) because neither of us ended it that last night (to be soon contradicted by a hidden letter). Everyday I'd look forward to the talks of missing someone, daily nuances that would have been so much easier had he been here, telling stupid jokes and stories but giggling about it because I had someone to share all of those experiences with. Then it transitioned to a period of fear that I'd lose him, because of the terrible (or should I say only slightly?) people around him, mainly H1 and H2, although there could be more, I don't know. Ergo everything went downhill from there. Men are simply that, just men. At the basest level (no matter how loving devoted, honest, or good they are) they will react just as any other man would react. A touch, or whisper, words, a smile or gesture all contribute to the crumbling of resolve and commitment. Add alcohol and everything goes up in flames, quite literally. I've seen men, either single or taken react to other women. And it sickens me by their lack of resolve. Hypocrites, I think. Saying that one man is different, or better than another is ignorance. So I may be overly jealous, if you should put it that way, but at least I have a decent perception to know the difference between a good and bad situation.

And I am not looking forward to another half a year of this.

Just earlier this month, I was there and everything seemingly hunkydory. A month in and we're back to fighting about who's wrong or right, playing with the idea of taking the easy way out and just ending everything and I'm still mulling over what's inappropriate and whether or not everything has changed from what I fell in love with to begin with and maybe this wasn't right and should have ended long ago. Back to words of a future and then we oscillate between being madly in love and despising the situation/complete apathy, back to wondering if this will ever work out, and if not, then what is the point of all this effort. I wonder if we're over the hump on the bell cure and everything will be good again, or if it's just a sine wave and this feeling of hurt and loneliness will never end because it never was meant to be and I should have taken those red flags of strip clubs, brutal honesty to the point of cruelty, forcefulness, sex obsession, the wrong reasons to get to know me (race, misunderstood culture, love of cuteness, being the alternative to previous rejections..eh. I don't know anymore. But it's class time and back to the rat race.