I think that I've found out why Japanese society is generally well ordered and people are kept under stringent control to make a nicely homogenized family.
Today, a friend of mine came by my Japanese class because she wanted to sit in since she hadn't had japanese in a while and missed it. When she asked my teacher if it was alright, the middle aged japanese lady immediately said nonono you can't be here. My friend asked if it was alright to just sit in for today. She finally says fine you can stay for today, but you really need to sign up for the class.
I just had a flashback to when I got kicked out of my boyfriend's place in japan. The landlady had made me feel like a criminal and the memory of staring down at my feet and shivering in a cold hallway while I'm being grilled about why I'm there was a little more than traumatizing. A few years back I probably would've cried on the spot.
In both of these events, there is the repeated phrase of you can't, not allowed, the rules, you're not supposed to. Honestly, I wonder if japanese life is so set in stone that there is not such thing as an exception to the rule. At the boyfriend's place, sure they say no visitors and I can respect the fact that if I were running a dorm hall I wouldn't want escorts or strippers or people I've never met coming in and out. But what if a sibling is visiting their homesick sister/brother or if instead of the one night stand it was a girlfriend/boyfriend visiting the person they're deeply in love with and miss to death? It has to mean something when someone puts down a grand to fly 12 hours and then drive another 2 hours to see said person. I'm not a bad person, I respected the people who live there and the property itself and I'm sure there are a bunch of people who feel the same way but there are rules. I wanted to tell the landlady to go ahead and interview me so she could see what kind of person I was and that having me stay there for 8 days wouldn't make the place blow up. But she was too intent on reciting her mantra of what was and wasn't allowed. What I hated most was the fact that she threatened expulsion. Here in the US, if something like that ever came up there would be riots, probably. That woman had a heart of stone because I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't break at the sight of watching two adults hugging each other and crying from being separated. When I had my passport locked away and was worried about not being able to go to japan at all, I called the bank and got transferred to a desk person. I explained to her my situation and her voice broke as she expressed her sympathies and tried to find someone who could help me.
It's hard being so far away from the people and person you love. I have a bunch of stuffed animals, an old sweater and T shirt, 2 blankets, a foam mattress pad, concert/movie/park tickets, random toys, cards made of leaves, match book from the Stinking Rose, chocolate boxes, a binary necklace, the memory of a scent, a squeaky bed, places, a happy sunshine buddy, cell phone charms, pictures, and last minute video clips to remind me that what I had was and still is real . It's so easy to chalk it up to a very realistic dream. I know it happened but I guess what's so saddening is that I am constantly wondering why things of that nature aren't happening at this moment (because he's sleeping when I'm awake). I wonder why I'm sitting on the couch alone when I could be having someone sprawled across my lap, or why I'm going to sleep alone when, at one point in time, I got to go to sleep wrapped up in someone's arms for quite a while. And I wonder why watching movies by yourself is just never the same (no morbid, off handed jokes or comments or the occasional fart to emphasize a movie line). I have a waterbottle to myself, food that I don't have to share. And I don't like it. I want to have someone around to hug and feed and wake up with. I really miss that. But I wonder if things will ever be the same because I realized at this moment in time, that after he's done visiting, there will another 6 months of separation before there's even the possibility of seeing him again. Grah! I don't like this at all.
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