Words

It's been happening more and more frequently recently and that worries me very much so. I watch recorded memories of us and remember how it was and is supposed to be and how now is so very different from that. Doing so makes me feel like I'm sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised and I just get sucked into my memories and what I wish for the most at the moment.

No more arguments and frustration. No more melodrama. Just love. Please?


Today was a bit of a mixed fruit day. It started out with sour grapes; thunderbolts and lightning, an argument, getting to the lab late and finding out that my lab partner went ahead and did all the work, just getting ready to leave as I got there. ever. Because it hurts when people say things and I should have thought about it, and known that saying such things would leave an impression. But I was slightly unreasonable and upset that he's not here (yes, still) so I said whatever thoughts floated to mind, even though I knew I'd hit a nerve at some point. I wish I could take it back, and yet I worry that if I put it all into a container and lock it away, one day all of this will come up in some conversation and it will be the avalanche that destroys what we've been building up all this time. Another thing I was thinking of is that as I've gotten older, I've gotten more and more paranoid. When I was little I thought I could never get hurt or die (because I rarely got sick and almost never injured). Earlier I was doing laundry and there was a black bike parked around the corner but I almost jumped out of my skin because I was thinking rape. It terrified me for some reason because I know I can take care of myself. I've done it for so long, so what do I have to fear? But I think the thought came up because earlier I was taking the first load of laundry up the stairs and a strange man was going the other way but then abruptly turned around and headed up the stairs after me. The silence was deafening and it was something like out of a horror movie, I wondered if people would hear me if I screamed and all I could think was I need to get this door open but the stupid key wouldn't go in because I had it upside down. Only later would I realize that if I was in any real danger it might've been safer for me to stay outside since there's a family living in the apt across from me, whereas if I went into an apt by myself (roommate was out), I'd be in trouble if he were to rush me.

Grah, I think that last year spoiled me far too much, I'd gotten used to being near my big strong boyfriend that I forgot what it was like to have to stand on my own. I used to leave for work at 5:30 am on Saturdays and I'd get back at 1 or 2 am. Each time I had to ride my bike for 10 minutes to/from a dark parking lot smack in the middle of no where and the lights were broken so at night you couldn't see more than a few feet in front of you and the parking lot was sandwiched between a soccer field and stadium so when I saw someone coming, it terrified me. But it was always only for a split second and then I'd put my brave face on and get into killing mode. I might've destroyed someone at the time if they were to come up behind me and tap me on the shoulder. I know I can protect myself. But it still worries me every so often because of what's on the news. ie. my poor puppy who just wanted to set up a romantic walk and I ended up freaking out because I thought he'd kill me and scatter my body parts across the mountain side. Poor puppy. **

**Note: Most women are eccentric. Notice that the words mad, insane, psycho, crazy are never appropriate.