Retrograde

It's so very difficult sometimes, to do this. When I was little my mom told me that 9 out of 10 things in life go wrong, or at least, not the way you wanted them to. Just as I begin to think that things are finally beginning to take shape, someone throws a pebble in the water.

They say if you're near ink, you'll turn black. I think that's true or at least in the cases that I've seen. Some beliefs are just too stubborn to change because you've been raised a certain way, or you hold certain things to be true. It may seem irrational or unreasonably stubborn, but I hold this to be true. Being around certain people or environments changes you. Either for better or worse, depending on the situation. I was around cynics and cruel, apathetic people. I became cynical, negative, indifferent to people's feelings. I began to hate myself for changing in such a way, so I left. At heart, I'll always be (or at least strive to be) a good person, helping others when I can because I can and wanting to be the kind of person that others would come to if they needed someone to listen. I want to understand people and feel the way they feel so I can learn about all the different stories out there. But I wonder if some changes are irreversible. It's like ion channels, sometimes there are ligands that can bind on and off to activate/deactive the channel and then others are like organophosphates, permanently destroying the channel, cell and eventually leading to death (see Aum Shinrikyo and sarin.

I'm in love, I'm upset, I'm jealous, I'm over it. It's so difficult sometimes. There are days I wake up and I just don't want to face the world. Because it seems as if being rejected one more time, or criticized would just break me. I'd start tearing up when I began to list things I need to address, things I'd been avoiding. Because it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know where to start.

When I met him, I felt as if I could take on the world. Talking to him now still makes me feel the same way. Even when we're not together and the only way we can communicate is through an interface.