Resolution

I've been told I've changed quite a bit from the time of the first meeting by several people. Maybe I've adopted a few new mannerisms or cynicisms, but essentially I'm the same person I think. It might be considered nosy, but I still want to know about people's life stories so I can appreciate them as a person better. I still want to understand what people, what drives them and why they act the way they do. Hmm, come to think of it, I think that's a major change-whereas a few years ago I saw reaching out and understanding people from a humanitarian's perspective, now my thoughts and writings have taken on more of a clinical perspective. Bleh. Well, one thing's for sure,

I'll always want to know about your dreams and what you want to do when you're old and what kind of person you want to be with when you're old..grah another thing I've noticed is that when I just let my consciousness float away and I'm trying to think about nothing, I start thinking about him. It's a little sad though, because despite all of the efforts, tears, energy, time, money, whatever either of us put into this thing, in all probability we won't be ending up together. I've asked myself what exactly, this thing is. I've wondered if it exists in this circumstance or even at all because it's a little too silly and too much straight out of a Disney movie to be pure and real. But at the moment, all I know is that this thing lets me spend days at a time with this person without getting a case of cabin fever or going allworkandnoplaymakejackadullboy- stir crazy. I take better care of myself because I don't want this person to be lonely, I'm happy even when me, my books, and I are drenched in rain, I smile when I just think about a moment we had, but tear up when I think about what could be happening at the moment but isn't happening because of certain circumstances. I wonder what will happen in the future and it's only happy predictions that come to mind. And I wonder what if things don't turn out right and what I'll do if Plans BCD don't pull through and the first thought that comes to mind is that as long as I have this person around, everything will be fine. Because I'm just so more confident in myself and everything else when he's around to support me. Even when it's such a simple thing as a hug. It's not something just anyone can do. I think that's what love is, and how you know it's floating around when you're wondering if the person is worth it..that when you start questioning, the answer is always yes.

I was worried for a time because I was ready to drop it so many times-especially when things got so hard. I didn't see a point in it anymore and I just came to terms with the idea of being alone again and being fine with that because I was alone for so long and everything was fine, (well as fine as a person who feels lonely can be) so it wouldn't be impossible to be on my own again if need be. Because the effort was just too much and I was feeling that I couldn't handle the stress or additional work it would take simply to hang onto this thing that might or might not even be there. But I stuck it out because things were just too harsh without him there and I felt as if it would most certainly not be okay if I were to just drop everything and go back to the way things were. I mean, it took 20 years to find this person, I'd basically have to invest another chunk of my life to finding another person. But not even that, it wouldn't be the same person so things would most certainly not be the same. I don't know anyone else who would put up with my dorkiness, or bouts of PMS/mood swings, or strange and morbid humor. I think most people would chalk it up to a mild case of insanity. But this person is actually okay with it, and besides just accepting it, he's actually endeared by it. It's completely irrational that I could find someone so understanding, but then again this might just be love-sick induced talk because I've heard it all before from other people. In any event, I'll just be happy with what I have because it's special, or at least compared to what I've seen out there. I could see this lasting longer than the average stick of gum. Love is being able to stay in the same room when you're not just bonking, laughing at stupid jokes when they're actually funny, being able to tell the person they're being stupid when they are, and wanting the other person to be happy no matter what.

I love you baby, and I always will. You want some chocolate milk?

-Kuma being silly at a karaoke bar (after singing Hero)