Time warp

The sound of breathing

staring at the sky and watching floaters go by

a bear and his bike

fighting as a form of stress relief (in which neither party gets seriously injured)

traveling with people I care about

meeting new people

learning new (non destructive) things

talking about science-related things

taking care of sick/injured people/things

fighting crime

studying for a better future

arguing

places that never sleep..

This is how I described my hobbies 1.5 years ago and they are still, for the most part, true. I'm not the same person I was when I first wrote it. I remember a time when I was constantly busy and happy. My schedule was always full of school and judo and friends. I remember going to practice and for some reason finding everything hilarious and cracking jokes and laughing my head off with friends. I can't remember the last time I joked around with someone. In the past I let a lot of things just slide by without affecting me much, but for some reason so many things have been getting to me ever since I first got involved in a long distance relationship.

I think what bothers me the most is that in the past, when certain things or people annoyed me, I could just walk away from them and it was easy since it didn't affect anyone else. Now, though, in order for me to spend time with someone I actually care about, I am also forced to spend time with people who grate on my nerves.

I don't mind being labeled as 'sitting there and never saying a word' because I'm afraid that if I start a forced conversation, some spiteful words might slip out if a certain ditsy girl decides to feed me nonsense. I don't remember being harsh before, or ever being jealous really. I used to be naive and oblivious about many things, but most of all happy. I don't remember being intent on a single person because there were always others out there that are capable of making me happy. I want to go back to be happy and carefree because my morals have never once changed but for some reason people are now thinking of me as being stubborn to the point of being irrational. I've always been stubborn about certain things, but more often than not people would consider it as something to be admired; see: calling out a minor for bragging about drinking a six pack before driving.

Can I please just fast forward to a time in which I am in residency at a great hospital, married/engaged and happy, and having fun with family and friends?

I am frustrated with my life and the only reason I constantly question on whether this is going anywhere is the fact that the people who tend to gravitate towards this single person also tend to grate on my nerves. I've heard problems arise when one or both parties don't get along with the other mate's friends. Augh but then the issue comes full circle with the fact that I'm more irritable than I used to be and it's mainly because of the fact that I can't just walk away. I am tethered now to things I'd rather just avoid and go on my merry way to be happy about life. see: stoners, see also: ignorance, excess.

I want freedom, happiness, the white picket fence thing and I'm willing to give anything for it without destroying myself in the process (as I seem to have already done). I can't wait until Christmas time-at least it will smell like cloves and I get to spend time with family and not think about people I'd rather avoid.

To do list

I need to get this stupid externship out of the way so that I don't keep taking time off in lab, I need to settle into a routine with the lab and work consistently enough to get started on my own project or at least get super involved in a specific project so that I'll get specific skills down pat. I need to start classes soon as to get a head start on the post bacc and then start actually studying for the mcat, then the application process and working for clinical experience once post bacc's done..

I need to get ahead in life, I hate this sitting around waiting for things to happen. But the most frustrating thing is I don't know whether or not that's the only thing I can do at the moment since apps are in. Is there anything I'm missing? Am I supposed to apply to other things too? Like grad schools instead of just post bacc programs? I've asked so many people and they, for the most part, only recommended a post bacc for what I'm planning to do at the moment. But I feel like I'm missing something. Every so often I reach this point where I feel as if I'm doing something really important in the lab, actually running tests and looking at results and discussing them to the PI. But most of the time I am sitting around waiting for something to do because after asking every half hour if there's anything I can 'assist' with, getting constantly rejected and feeling as though I am becoming intrusive begins to get to me.

I want to know if and I guess before I go on I should probably say that I am in no way trying to be self righteous. I am flawed, just like everyone else and I've got the same fears as thousands of people out there, I have the same shortcomings as so many. And yet at the same time I wonder if it's how I portray myself to others, or if I just tend to collide with certain individuals which results in something very similar to pouring oil into the fire. What about me, or what do I say exactly, that makes me seem uncaring or unkind? What harsh words have I said that made such a lasting impression as to create an image of myself which I was never aware of? And why has no one brought this to my attention? I hate having to hear bad news through a proxy. Why can't these individuals just come up to me and say it?

It makes me wonder if it's in the water. Ie. people in only certain areas of CA, or perhaps it's just people closer to the equator? Why are certain people all loud to everyone else but silent to the person they are upset about? These people are so feckless, I see no point in yelling and screaming your opinion to someone who can't do a thing about the issue that's bothering you. Especially when it's a question of character.

After about an hour and a half conversation about the above subject it sounds as though it's not a personal matter. Rather, a question of trust and co-dependence that has been bothering certain people. So the question is what to do now..

Food Review

Yes, I have finally done it: a food review; and coincidentally it just so happens to be a review for the Ribwich er I mean the McRib. And no, it was not everything I expected and more. Just a generic bleached white flour bun as expected from McD's, bitter onions and sour pickles, and the saddest bbq sauce ever. I *was* impressed with the rib shaped slab of pork by product, however.

I don't understand why this thing has a cult following. I mean, just *look* at it! It felt like a squishy mouthful of sadness when I bit into this limp sandwich shaped thing. The sauce was not tangy or sweet like I expected bbq sauce to be and the overall experience made me disappointed in myself for giving into McDonald's marketing schemes ie. the sporadic availability.

After the third bite out of this thing I realized that I couldn't exactly put my finger on what it tastes like. I mean, there was a meaty consistency throughout, but I couldn't identify what that meat was for the life of me. Of course, it's advertised as being pork, but I've had pork and this wasn't it. The patty thing didn't taste like ham or bacon or even sausage patties. Just a general meaty texture with tasteless sauce the color of bbq sauce. Despite the disappointment I crown this thing as king of imposters! It doesn't taste like what it looks like, well maybe the bun but that's about it. I only actually started tasting the sandwich about 3/4's into the sandwich so I suppose this is the kind of thing that needs to build up on your palate before you can er savor the taste.

Never again.