This is how I described my hobbies 1.5 years ago and they are still, for the most part, true. I'm not the same person I was when I first wrote it. I remember a time when I was constantly busy and happy. My schedule was always full of school and judo and friends. I remember going to practice and for some reason finding everything hilarious and cracking jokes and laughing my head off with friends. I can't remember the last time I joked around with someone. In the past I let a lot of things just slide by without affecting me much, but for some reason so many things have been getting to me ever since I first got involved in a long distance relationship.
I think what bothers me the most is that in the past, when certain things or people annoyed me, I could just walk away from them and it was easy since it didn't affect anyone else. Now, though, in order for me to spend time with someone I actually care about, I am also forced to spend time with people who grate on my nerves.
I don't mind being labeled as 'sitting there and never saying a word' because I'm afraid that if I start a forced conversation, some spiteful words might slip out if a certain ditsy girl decides to feed me nonsense. I don't remember being harsh before, or ever being jealous really. I used to be naive and oblivious about many things, but most of all happy. I don't remember being intent on a single person because there were always others out there that are capable of making me happy. I want to go back to be happy and carefree because my morals have never once changed but for some reason people are now thinking of me as being stubborn to the point of being irrational. I've always been stubborn about certain things, but more often than not people would consider it as something to be admired; see: calling out a minor for bragging about drinking a six pack before driving.
Can I please just fast forward to a time in which I am in residency at a great hospital, married/engaged and happy, and having fun with family and friends?
I am frustrated with my life and the only reason I constantly question on whether this is going anywhere is the fact that the people who tend to gravitate towards this single person also tend to grate on my nerves. I've heard problems arise when one or both parties don't get along with the other mate's friends. Augh but then the issue comes full circle with the fact that I'm more irritable than I used to be and it's mainly because of the fact that I can't just walk away. I am tethered now to things I'd rather just avoid and go on my merry way to be happy about life. see: stoners, see also: ignorance, excess.
I want freedom, happiness, the white picket fence thing and I'm willing to give anything for it without destroying myself in the process (as I seem to have already done). I can't wait until Christmas time-at least it will smell like cloves and I get to spend time with family and not think about people I'd rather avoid.
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