outside

I'm not sure why, but I really like the generic sound of a movie being played (eg. the dramatic music, clashing of swords or *pew* of sniper rifles..)

I think it has something to do with the fact that movies are part of a lot of fond memories that I have. I remember watching movies when I was a kid and I'd bring this stuffed puffin, I'd put him in the cup holder so he could watch the movie with me. Then when I was older, watching movies in a dark dorm room with friends. Then sitting on a couch and holding hands (because I asked), and in a movie theatre while eating my favorite ice cream that someone was so thoughtful to remember.

I realized earlier that I'm a very sentimental person..which could be a good thing or bad thing, I guess.

I don't cook with the special sweaters on because I don't want them to start smelling like oil/sauce/whatever I'm cooking. I want them to keep that smell for as long as possible, or at least, as long as they're all I have.

Hmm it's going to be another lonely summer. Ugh. I hope I find a job and something important to do. I know I'll go stir crazy when being all alone starts to become excruciating.I know it sounds needy and crap, but I just want to be loved. It's what I've always wanted since I was little

blah

My life has never been so mundane but stressful at the same time.

The air is so still it's stifling.

My day: woke up to see puppy, lab, class, discussion, home for puppy+ spaghetti, more excuses from terrible subleaser, fight with puppy (tiff?), off to virology review (fell asleep~so exhausting), off to library to study, listened to voice mails over again because missing someone, came back at midnight, missing someone, shower, will sleep and repeat.

It seems as though my life is stuck in the proverbial rut in which I can't get out..everything instantaneously turned black and white when he left..that or illuminated by fluorescent lights. The humming of silence is mind numbing. I'm tired of work, I just want to sleep. But even in dreams I have to be alone. Stupid technology has conditioned me to think laptop=boyfriend. Therefore, sleeping is even more alone when you're dreaming about talking to a computer.

I am conflicted by a need for sleep and a want for macaroni and cheese, cheeseburger/phillycheese steak at Steak and Hoagie's (sp), chicken nuggets, and strawberry or chocolate chip cheesecake. Binge eating:my Anti drug. Just kidding.

You know there's some (un)healthy connection/relationship bond going on when you can't go to sleep without hearing someone's voice. Or rather, nothing is more stress relieving than that. Hmm actually, it's very logical. Something like listening to a mother's heartbeat or people's voices when you're all safe and warm. I wonder if certain things are conditioned even before we are born.

It's somewhat ironic that I don't say I love you when I'm feeling unloved, rather than having the intention to make the person feel unloved.

hiccup

Today was gahhhh..that's the only way I can think of describing it. What a complete nightmare it is to make three appointments..all within 10 minutes apart. I have decided that try as I may, it is not possible to teleport using only willpower. Came in on time to lab, but was late anyway because the antibiotic I usually use ran out. Had to start the program before realizing this, and then calling the grad student. Was told I could use a back up antibiotic, but the programs for the rats were all different today so it was a few minutes before I found out what I was supposed to do. Finally figured it out, but it was 5 minutes till my doctor's appointment. Tried cancelling it, but the call kept going to voicemail, right after the pre-recorded voice told me I'd be fined $48 if I were to miss my appointment without cancelling it.

Right, then.

Biked to SH in record time, and before I could say anything (tried to get back to lab and start up the rats in 15 minutes as promised to the boss), the secretary/nurse assistant ushered me in and got my history/blood pressure/height (..I might've shrunken..). Proceeded to get an annual, cancer vaccine (which gave me a dead arm for the rest of the day) and then had to go to a professor for an appointment. Ended up staying there for 1/2 hour and was therefore 1/2 hour late to set up the rats. Got back to lab to greet a surprisingly nonchalant grad student. Set them up and finally had time to breathe. 15 minutes later got coffee, cookie, (breakfast), checked email to find out I needed to send my transcript to figure out if I could take a very very necessary class this summer (which for some unfathomable reason isn't offered anywhere else in the state of California..

Scribbled caffeine-fueled notes for 50 minutes in lecture, biked over to fundraiser obligation, fliered for 2(?) hours till felt dizzy, finally got actual(?) food..mayonnaise baked shrimp+walnuts is tastier than it sounds..biked to other lab to work. Shattered glass in my hand while trying to scrape off 30 something glass slides off of a bigger glass slide into the waste bin. Gloves torn, finger bleeding, sky still overcast, not a good day. Gave up and just took the one hour of work ($8.95).

Biked to the library to study only to get distracted and ended up stressing out about what I should do about the future..for 50 minutes. Biked to the public health care meeting, sat through 1 hr 30 minutes of people talking about how amazing their jobs are and how easy (for them) it was to get there. Couldn't think of any questions, so took off for more food. Ate leftover spagghetti while trying to figure out how to work a scanner. FYI trying to scan any document without installing the scanner software is very difficult. Oh how I loathe/love technology.

Email sent, midterm materials still unlooked at, heading over to library now because the 'couple' is back yet again (although I'm really amazed at the fact that I've had the pleasure of not having to see him for the past two days..guess good things can't last forever. Well, at least only the petty things.

Oh yeah, at lunch ran into an old (1+year?) friend from judo and got to talk about fraud, puppy men (I have one too! ~yay), life in general, monogamous relationships, the (un) necessity of experience in that department, and family. Didn't realize that despite the intellect and age difference that we had quite a bit in common. Point!

Off yet again..

fluffernutter

Is it sad that when I hear people laughing I usually think of cruel things rather than people being happy?

I can't remember the last time I was happy about being here. Everything smells like rust and smoke. I also can't remember how I used to be, but in a distant memory (at the risk of sounding horribly depressing) I think I was a very happy person.

Wonder when all this is going to get sorted out, and when people will stop taking advantage of each other.

Went into lab today as usual, got everything done as usual. Washed glassware, went to class (didn't fall asleep but still got lost), made lunch, made dinner, brushed teeth, studied, got ice cream, studied, brushed teeth, studying.

Talked about some rather important things over dinner. Not sure whether to take it to heart or not, but it seems like sound advice when it's being given from experience. I wish things were simpler. But nothing is easy or simple at this time and age. And what is wrong at only having one experience and letting it grow and expand over time? Is it so wrong to find one thing you're good at, or one person you do very well with and just sticking to that? I don't understand why people keep insisting that I try every sort of icecream out there when I've tried one that decidedly goes well with me every time I have it. I am happy with this, so how long do I need to run with it before it's decidedly real?

This 'serious world', with its material possessions and making money for food, housing, and transportation. Whereas in the past, if one were so inclined, such things were available to everyone. Such a difficult life. I just want to be happy with the ones I love, but it seems as though there's quite a bit of work to it. I don't mind working, rather, I prefer it. But it seems as though just getting work is a struggle in itself.

And then there are times and words when I feel as though I shouldn't put so much effort as I have in the past. There are times when I feel completely unwanted and any further work upon my part is wasted energy. I have a hard time of discerning the line where I should just walk away. Need to wake up early tomorrow, sleep time now.

1

My romance is made of screenshots, conversations, and intimacy is cuddling with an old sweatshirt at night.

-->A hooded figure of a small girl with hands in pockets walks down a street.
-->Sky is overcast.
-->Add snow.
-->Less snow.

Today is just like any other day, in the fact that I am alone. Outside there are happy couples, people laughing and touching, inside there are white walls and every so often a bar of sunlight decides to wander into my room.

Nothing is more depressing than a lonely existence. Poverty, physical pain, emotional angst, all of these things can be overcome with someone by your side. But put a man (or woman) into isolation and all sanity breaks down.

Missed the alarm today and woke up to an overcast sky, decided to go back to sleep. Got walked in on in the bathroom this morning. I love having unwanted roommates.

At the desk today to get work done, staring at a computer screen to determine which path my life should take.

Realized this year that my life is not a video game and I can't just start over. Apparently I only have one chance at what I want to do and if I mess up there's no going back and replaying because I will have already run out of time.

No more neosurrealistic movies about memory and romantic love for me.

I should look forward to a sunlit apartment, with an out of place giant and my cat, Mr. Panda. There will be a fluffly white bed overlooking an eternally sunlit window and the walls will be covered in memories. Eventually there will be a small puppy with floppy ears bouncing around. That is what my life will be.

lost again

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have to say that I hate life sometimes. It seems that despite what I do, I'm never good enough. I'm not good enough for my parents because I'm not going to Stanford medical school in the fall and I'm not good for my boy friend because I have to ask or initiate for things to get anywhere. It's good to know that I'm an amazing enough partner that if I ever want to get married in the future, I'd have to be the one to propose. A friend recently got engaged and although I think it was a foolish move, it made me wonder. I'm not asking for anything like that because I don't want it and because of recent events I'm not sure if I'm ever going to want it to happen to me. It was just hurtful to hear that the idea of being tied down to me was laughable.

I feel like a failure at life. My relationships are more often than not one sided so I always get the short end of the stick. I put in commitment and I get something back every once in a while. I'm lucky to have someone but how I lucky am I, really, when I always have to do the asking because those things that are so important to me are never on the other person's mind? I am really very tired of all this. I don't want to be this other person people keep imagining me to be. I wonder how I advertised myself initially for people to imagine me as giving without ever asking in return (to the point of getting taken advantage of) or that I'm always happy and cute (I have my bad days). It makes me wonder if there's anyone out there who will just accept me completely as I am and not demand or expect ridiculous things from me.

I am happy, however, when the boyfriend tells me he stays in the see me. I really appreciate that especially when I get to see everyone around me paired up and (physically) get to be with that person. Because at those times I wish that he could be here and I get terribly lonely and wonder if I should just take the easy way out and be with someone who's closer. Seeing and talking to him reminds me why I want to stick with it. Hanging out with other couples is no fun and just gets me unbelievably depressed.

I wonder what I need to do in the future to get someone interested enough that they'd want to marry me because even though I whine about statistics and whatnot, I do want to be with someone for the rest of my life and wake up next to the same person every morning. I need to know what exactly makes me undesirable. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Peanuts

Today I got my first paycheck. It was made out to be $12.00. Granted I worked only two days last month since I applied near the end of the month, but still, it was a little disappointing. I know the work I do has no merit (at least for that which I am paid), but I worked very hard at my job. It made me understand how easy it is for people to resort to doing illegal things for large amounts of money whereas honorable lines of work yield very little reward.

I think this place will always smell like diesel, cigarettes, and stagnant water.

When I was younger, my godmother gave me a Chicken Noodle Soup for ... books and I remember only reading the Love and Relationships sections. It was such a strange idea to me at the time, to find someone who would completely accept you and love you for who you are. It seemed almost magical. I never pictured myself in a relationship because I just couldn't picture myself in one. It just seemed like too much responsibility to keep someone happy and take care of them even when you can barely take care of yourself. So I thought to myself, I'll never be in a serious relationship (this terrified my mom-when I proposed that I'd never marry but would have a bunch of boyfriends for the rest of my life). I decided not to be selfish and go into a relationship if I didn't know if I could take care of it or devote time for this person. In my dreams the person I loved always had a grayed out face, like a censored person on TV. And yet here I am..people are strange..