lost again

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have to say that I hate life sometimes. It seems that despite what I do, I'm never good enough. I'm not good enough for my parents because I'm not going to Stanford medical school in the fall and I'm not good for my boy friend because I have to ask or initiate for things to get anywhere. It's good to know that I'm an amazing enough partner that if I ever want to get married in the future, I'd have to be the one to propose. A friend recently got engaged and although I think it was a foolish move, it made me wonder. I'm not asking for anything like that because I don't want it and because of recent events I'm not sure if I'm ever going to want it to happen to me. It was just hurtful to hear that the idea of being tied down to me was laughable.

I feel like a failure at life. My relationships are more often than not one sided so I always get the short end of the stick. I put in commitment and I get something back every once in a while. I'm lucky to have someone but how I lucky am I, really, when I always have to do the asking because those things that are so important to me are never on the other person's mind? I am really very tired of all this. I don't want to be this other person people keep imagining me to be. I wonder how I advertised myself initially for people to imagine me as giving without ever asking in return (to the point of getting taken advantage of) or that I'm always happy and cute (I have my bad days). It makes me wonder if there's anyone out there who will just accept me completely as I am and not demand or expect ridiculous things from me.

I am happy, however, when the boyfriend tells me he stays in the see me. I really appreciate that especially when I get to see everyone around me paired up and (physically) get to be with that person. Because at those times I wish that he could be here and I get terribly lonely and wonder if I should just take the easy way out and be with someone who's closer. Seeing and talking to him reminds me why I want to stick with it. Hanging out with other couples is no fun and just gets me unbelievably depressed.

I wonder what I need to do in the future to get someone interested enough that they'd want to marry me because even though I whine about statistics and whatnot, I do want to be with someone for the rest of my life and wake up next to the same person every morning. I need to know what exactly makes me undesirable. Any feedback would be appreciated.