Dreaming

"You'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior." Salinger

I found myself in a minor bit of depression for some reason today. Nothing really terrible or traumatic happened earlier in the day and the reason I can possibly fathom is so insignificant that I refuse to consider it.

Went into lab early today but when I got there, Grad Student wasn't there and when I got out my phone to call her I noticed that she'd texted me 2 hrs earlier (my phone was off till just then) saying that she wouldn't be able to make it and wants to reschedule to next week. So went off to the library; calves, ankles and feet still protesting despite the biking because of yesterday's exercise. Got quite a bit of studying done and felt somewhat prepared for the language midterm at 12. Got there early and finished the test before time was up. Was invited to lunch but turned him down because of lab in 10 minutes. I wonder if I felt sad today because I always turn down socializing in lieu of my studies (which hopefully will culminate into something someday).

Went to lab class and ran into a friend, where we made plans to make lunch/dinner Sunday. Finished today's experiment fairly competently, my lab partner was also less condescending than usual which was a small victory. Planned to go to the library right after class but not eating/eating very little made me think that I'd pass out if I went into studying mode without eating anything so went home to make lunch. Saw him for a bit. But today we had even less to say.

I really think that's the only thing that was upsetting me all day since lunch. I went home thinking I'd see his happy face but he just kind of stared at his computer screen and gave curt answers (given, any relationship will go into a lull if given enough time). As I spaced out, I thought about how the days before,when he first got there and for the past few days, he had gotten that look on his face (although it was even more prominent in the first couple weeks in which he literally jumped around with excitement from being in that country. It was just like before, when we had talked about how he'd be going to a country that he'd been in love (obsessed?) with and wouldn't be coming back. I was fine with it at the time, either because I thought we had a good enough connection that I just wanted to be with this person for a bit or I was bored of being single or just not thinking straight despite so many warnings. In any event, what worried me even more was when he said that just because he's in love with the country, he doesn't have to necessarily be there, it reminded me of the time when he used the same words with me I'll love you forever even if I can't be with you. I think that's the cruelest thing you can say, because you are, in so many words, saying I don't love you anymore, even if you think otherwise. Oh, and the fact that it defies all logic..like dressing up as HardGay and humping people while adamantly refusing to be called gay..or something like that. I thought about what I'd do if all this time, effort, and energy will be all for nothing because of indecisive people. I am losing to a bit of sunlight, the wind, and promiscuous girls loosely shrouded by innocence and sweet voices.
When the men crash into the rocks because they were thinking with the wrong head, I'll look on and laugh.

I also refuse to believe that the reason why we're constantly fighting around the time the weekend rolls around (or holidays) is because he goes out. Being accused of not trusting, I do trust, just not situations and the people around him. Things happen. I've been told so many times by people who got screwed over because of situational circumstances that involve no responsibilities and inhibitions. Especially when around a group of people one finds attractive. A distant attraction gets pushed out of the picture because out of sight, out of mind.

I get stressed, I go to sleep.

Even in dreams I don't get any rest. Dreamed of speaking to him after a risky escapade (him) in which we argue about what's moral. And we're not on the same page because even from the very beginning our core values had been on opposite sides of the spectrum in terms of defining what's right and wrong. Things escalate and we cut things off to cool down. I'm tinkering around on the internet and stumble upon a page with his picture and a conceited description, self advertising and asking if anyone wants to date him. I wake up disgusted with such a scenario. No more napping for me.

Losing myself in something I can depend on, never leaves, always interesting and has something to share. This I can actually support myself with for the rest of my life and be happy because in some way, shape, or form, I will be helping people and that'll do.

**Disclaimer: I never intend to sound harsh or criticizing, everything is wordvomit and I only intend to write anything that comes to mind. Some fragments might only have a loose connection to the previous statement; I tend to go off on tangents. Memories or abstract thoughts branch from the initial idea so excuuuse me if it sounds crazy to refer to something that has happened in the past.