It seems as though I have been caught in an loop that spirals around how I thought as a child, then as an adult, and all the way back again. What I mean is, when I was little every year passed by so slowly. The school year seemed infinitely long and it took forever for them to set up the tree lot around Christmas and then finally put up the Summer School Festival sign. Then in high school, things began speeding up as I applied for schools, met new people, traveled, and learned a bit more. Things in college fast forwarded even more seeing as how busy my schedule usually was. But January 2010, or I should say winter quarter at the very least, feels like the longest month I've ever lived through. The time spent in Japan, carefree, tense, and hectic sped by even though it was a mixed fruit bowl. When I cam back everything went back to a snail's pace. This quarter is feeling excruciating long. And I wonder if it is not only the frustrations I face at school but my new living situation as well.
Last year was fun, but it was a little too much fun. I had an amazing roommate, biked for 5 minutes to see someone I really cared about waiting there for me (most of the time). This year I started out with crappy roommates of which my naivete is stabbing me in the back and I'm still struggling with finding a resolution to the situation. I move to a farther place with a better roommate but I get to be the third wheel whenever I'm at the apartment (because he lives there). The torture. It's bad enough when I've had a long and terrible no good day (morning started out well-did cytology and new my stuff when the researcher asked me questions, then 3 long classes and a lab I spent 3 hours on only to find out that the results weren't good enough so I had to redo it-which will be tomorrow because today is just not the day).
I get to wake up and see them cuddling or whatever they call it on the couch, I get to come home to see them cuddling or whatever and watching TV after I come back from classes, then again when I'm studying they're cooking together, and then back to step 1 day 2. I hate it, so I try not to be home. But then if I'm not home, then I don't get to see him. By the way, although the above social torture may be on a daily basis, it's not why we fight. We fight because one of hurts the other (recently me) and it escalates from there. Because ldr don't allow for kiss and make ups. I know it's blown over when I can talk normally with the person and not have to ask questions or worry about what's going on. Because after the lies, what's the point of asking anymore?
I want to feel special.
I know it sounds selfish and maybe a little arrogant, but I'm just like anyone else, unfortunately. I may be low maintenance as a person to be in a relationship with but that doesn't mean that I can live with just anything. I want to love a person and know with 100% confidence that the other person feels the same way, without any doubt. I want this other person to say I love you and mean it, not run around behind my back looking for something better. Relationships, on any level, serious or not, require a minimum amount of commitment. When you say that you are with a person, you are saying that you respect them and care for them because of who they are and because they give you something that no one else can give. When you are in an assumed "monogamous relationship" it's assumed that both parties adhere to this rule and don't wonder whenever a pretty girl with a sweet voice wanders by.
I have never looked for what's better. Because I know that there's something better for me out there. But the fact is, I love this person, and when I love someone, I commit myself whole heartedly without doubting or wondering about anything else. Because if I were to half ass it as I went to talk to other men just to see what's out there, it wouldn't be fair to the other person. I wonder if there's a single man in this world out there who thinks the same way I do, just to prove that what I'm proposing isn't ludicrous. But unfortunately, as it oftentimes is, I'm not on the same page with other people. And I got hurt.
I tried for a few days to regress back to when we first met (minus the awkwardness). Leaving out the I love you's, sugary pet names, thoughts about the future, and just talking as friends. It made things exponentially easier. No complications, no caring about whether or not he's found the perfect asian girl he's looking for (because I knew it all along regardless of whether or not words were exchanged), or if anything else has happened while I'm away (although I was the one left behind, he was left behind the second time we met). It was a lot easier, but it also made things feel empty. Taking out all of the intimacy and emotions that took a year to develop really did make us just friends. And at first I was happy with that because maybe I could stop being so in love with this person. But it got terribly lonely too, (and even worse because I get to see other people do the things we used to do together).
What a difficult stage of life~you can't force people to love or respect you, and you can't manipulate the conditions of the situation to make these things happen, but if they don't happen then you're thrown into the worse depression you've ever felt. All I want is to have someone who is completely happy with me. Just me. I know it's a little too much to ask because I'm not that amazing or anything, but I would think the same way about the other person too, so I think that's an equivalent exchange.
I just don't want to be replaced by someone better than me again. It happened in 2nd grade when my best friend stopped hanging out with me because I'm a girl and there was a new boy in class who was so much more fun to play with. Then in 7th grade I fell in love (puppy love) with boy who loved me too (told me so) but then I was to shy to say anything so I said, "as a friend right?!" and so he left me for a girl who played the saxophone too. My first friend in high school left me for the emo/goth group because she was an artist and I was a science person and I guess she got fed up with my nerd talk and strange anecdotes (if we were stranded on a deserted island, I promise I won't eat you). I made a few more friends here and there, but there was always someone more interesting or had more money to spend on them or more toys to share. I think I'm the poor in material possessions kind of person but rich at heart (although I do have a lot of trinkets and various crap in my trunk that I'm trying to get rid of). I want a pure love. No pointless arguments about things that shouldn't have happened in the first place.
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