For some reason I think that being in a romantic relationship is detrimental to my health. Case in point: before and right now I am energetic, motivated, and have a general feeling of well being..sauntering around and feeling powerful(?). While having the significant other around was fun and made me really happy, it was somewhat like being on a constant artificial high..like sitting in the sun for too long and feeling lethargic after the sun stroke sets in.
Let's recap on what I've gotten out of this thus far..a sharp tongue, a cynical outlook on life, a cruel sense of humor. I don't think this has bettered me at all. I was supposed to grow into someone that I'd be proud of. And for a long time I was since I was trying so hard, but this seems to have set me back to square 1.
Yesterday and today were good days. I was able to think clearly, get lots of work done, and use something that I invested a lot of time in (judo demo). It made me happy to feel accomplished. Both yesterday and today were good days in the lab since I finished everything within 15 min (when I first started out it took me an hour fifteen. Went to class as usual, finished my lab class in 15 minutes (just plating). Then studied at the library and then at home. Yesterday was a little too exhausting to be made into a daily routine. 9am-2pm had class. Drove to braille (hopefully I don't go broke doing volunteer stuff because gas is a little too expensive nowadays). Took about 45 min or so getting the mats to the demo place. The entire thing went pretty smoothly and the crowd seemed to enjoy it. Too bad it had to be so cold that condensation made the mats slightly dangerous. No one got seriously injured so that was a good thing. The night ended around 11 because the mats had to be driven back and we couldn't use just my car. Talked to him for a bit before saying goodnight and going to sleep. Did we fight? I can't remember because now it seems as if every conversation is ever so slightly laced with contempt.
Ran into a bunch of my good friends at the Festival and although one seemed disheartened that she hasn't found anyone as of yet in the past four years, another seemed hopeful for us. I thought it was pitiful at first, hearing the words come out of my mouth as I described my Valentine's day watching a movie online with the significant other while other people get to go out to a nice dinner (or cook at home) and cuddle (of course). But she said that it was really good that both of us were trying. Anywho, she reminded me just now that when I was single I looked a lot better. I think I was a lot more cheerful back then and I definitely took better care of myself (dressed up every other day, makeup everyday, worked out everyday.. I liked being a hot mama (..hmm I kinda want to see Furuba again sometime). Although I will add that the stress of this time in my life is also a very likely contributing factor to how I'm acting. But I can't say that I'm proud because I am not happy with who I am. And I don't know how to fix it because either I'm too dependent or not dependent enough to hold up a relationship. But I do know that I feel like this is just leaching away at who I was. It is not an amazing feeling.
I think another thing that made my day today was when bacteria professor brought up a story about terrorism in Japan and it sounded very misinformed (wrong bioagent) so I raised my hand to ask about it, but he completely ignored me and maybe he didn't see, but it just reminded me of how much of a jackass he was during office hours and assuming that I wanted to join his lab and that I wasn't good enough). In any event, after class I went up to him to ask and it turned out that there were two separate occasions where a Japanese cult used sarin gas and anthrax to hurt people. He talked to me quite a while about the terrorist attacks and current precautions put in place. I'm glad I found something to talk to this professor about (he owns a biotech company and works as an advisor for the government in making vaccines [bioterrorism defense), something I want to do so it's good to find some common ground wheras before he thought that I was just an undergrad desperate to get into any lab.
~sleepy time
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