White Rabbit candy

It's a weird feeling to catch a scent in the wind from my childhood in a place like this. But as I rode back to the apartment from a long day of pointless work, I swear I smelled the flowers in my mom's garden. Which is kind of unlikely because a plant like that wouldn't be able to survive outside of a greenhouse.

I questioned my moral character today. I find myself asking whether or not I'm going overboard or if I'm just being human. I don't even know anymore. At the moment I think that what I say and do is completely rational, and when I recall the events to someone else they react the same way, (but whether that's because of the way I portray the story from my biased perspective is unknown to me).

Today someone said they liked my shirt. A few days or weeks ago I probably would've jumped on the fact to comment that I got it because my boyfriend's nickname is a bear and that he has the exact same shirt. But today I felt no reason to add anything about the boyfriend. I'm not sure why, maybe it just wasn't an important or relevant detail to anything. But I find myself holding back more and more to bring him up.

Although it might not apply to previous events, today's lack of caring or enthusiasm might have something to do with this morning's fight. Well, it wasn't a fight per say..more like a tiff. I was upset to hear that he was staying in because he didn't want to upset me, and then switching to say that it was because he was too lazy to go out..for some reason I think it was the former as to why he didn't go visit his other girlfriend on her birthday. I just don't think it's feasible to believe that any man at this stage of life could consider a woman (in his group of so called attractive women ie. must be asian) motherly. That's right next to Oedipal complex, only she's (probably) younger and not related. So no, I don't think that's believable. More likely is that she has the qualities of a girlfriend or wife and for whatever reason is beyond me since I've never met her. I don't really want to, actually. Her type disgusts me-the past girls that were in the lineup were terribly disappointing and I wonder why men these days have such low standards (not saying that I'm an amazing person or anything..actually, I once decided to never get married because I'd rather work towards something that would help the majority).

Why do I worry? I've seen these people and the places they go to. I get tempted sometimes (although not in the same environment). And I'm not a man with a raging sex drive. So who's to guarantee nothing's going to happen? I used to relate to this one girl who lived with me a few years back. Just because of our way of thinking, she was very honest, but she was also cheated by two of her exes. The good girls always seem to get the short end of the stick.

This is my first relationship so I do wonder if it's simply because it's my first that I'm so passionate about it (although it has cooled down a great deal since he left). It's a little upsetting that real life is more like Strictly Sexual rather than The Notebook. But I guess that's just the way things are. I got a call today about something of a totally different nature, but the gist of it was to warn me about someone who was trying to teach me. Allusions and double entendres. I got a fortune cookie from my lab partner saying that I should keep my eyes open today..I wonder what's going to happen, or if it'll just be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not afraid of being left alone, because I'll just move on and find someone else and then have terrible stories to tell and look back on and avoid the same mistakes. What I am afraid of is being told I told you so. Especially from the people I look up to the most. I don't want to be a fool because they warned me so explicitly, setting up so many examples and possible situations. But I refused to listen because I'm obstinate and I hate being told what to do because I think that my own judgment should be enough. But maybe I should have listened because they've all been there and they know exactly how things go. Being in another country is like being in vacation. They say they're in school but I rarely see studying. I hear about trips to cities, sleeping over at random people's places (sometimes in the same bed), binge drinking, hooking up with the random japanese (because it just has to be japanese right?) girl and complaining about a bad lay, trips to vegas and strip clubs, more drinking and sleeping around. Hmm never mind, I guess it's just college life, but in a different country. I don't know, it's just not something I'd advertise to my parents. And maybe I'm just being judgemental, but I've always been the kind of person to think this way about these kind of people. Because being presumptuous or not, I think they're hurting themselves and other people-especially when they're crying beer tears and expelling the contents of their stomach into their hair. Very attractive.

My mom told me, (among some other women with experience) that men don't change, so you should either take them as they are or leave as soon as possible. Being a husband or father doesn't change anything, they are who they are. I believe that very much so. I remember there was a family friend I was terrified of as a child. I wasn't terrified in that sense, but it scared me because everytime I saw him it was because my parents were giving him a ride to and from a wedding or family reunion. The ride to the event was completely fine, but on the way back, he was always throwing up everywhere or completely passed out in a puddle of his own vomit. It was a nightmare to clean that car out. And I remember how sad his wife looked when we took him home. I overheard my dad telling my mom once that the guy's kids asked him to please stop drinking. That's worrisome..a friend of mine once said that his dad used to take a bottle of whiskey to bed to help him sleep. It seemed completely normal to him. I wonder if these people ever see what they're doing to the ones around them..