happy

Am I just not meant to be happy?

It seems like the fates get a real kick out of seeing how miserable they can make me. I was reminiscing earlier, how one summer I was craving sno cones so I went out to get one and since none of my friends were in town and my roommate was home, I sat at the ice cream place eating by myself. At the time I felt lonely, and looking back now makes it only more pathetic. At the time there was a man who I liked to spend time with and we did couply ish things together but then I realized that it was all fake and it was terribly disappointing (well, not really).

I'm always the one to get left behind. It pulls the sadist out of me to wonder how it would feel to be the one leaving the other person behind. Because I finally find a boyfriend and he abandons me. Stupid japanese girls. I'll never understand what the allure is. They're not automatically amazingly kind or make good partners just because they're cute but looks are deceiving and average girls like me tend to get shafted for the pretty airheads. But my mom told me once that although at this age those kind of girls-the attractive, flirty ones, are the ones that get attention, they're not the ones that get the relationships that last. Well, let's see how this plays out.

I just want someone to hold and be with here with me. And it makes me begin to wonder if it has to be him or I just need someone in general (because it hasn't all been super amazing this entire time..even more so after he left and lies were revealed. If you're honest to someone, isn't it just fair for them to do the same in return? A friend of mine once forgave her boyfriend for cheating on her and when she talked to me about it, she admitted that it was a stupid thing to do because he'll never change. Sure enough, he's cheated on her a few more times but for some reason she's still with him..but only on the side. I guess she just settled. People can get desperate when they don't want to be alone. I promised myself I'd never settle. Because really, what do I have right now that's so amazing? I don't want the person I'm with to hurt me emotionally (or physically of course) but I guess that's just how fate deemed it should be. I get to be paired up with straying eyes, hands, and heart.

It's as if my confidence and faith in what's going to happen should be enough for 2 people. But it more often than not feels like I'm getting cheated. I just want someone to cuddle with at night and someone who will listen to my day and make everything all better and kiss me in the morning and make me feel loved. Someone who will be there on my birthday when everyone else has forgotten, because they're already planning a surprise party for somone else. Maybe get flowers every so often just because. It sucks, because what I have can't involve any of these, and that's just how the nature of long distance goes. And I thought about it before getting involved, but then again I'd thought that it was supposed to last only a little while and then when I was tricked into thinking that we would very certainly work out, when in reality he's out playing the game seeing what's better...

I'll probably get yelled at for this, I don't care because it's how I feel at this moment in time-lonely and half expecting this is how things will always be.