9/16/09 2:53 pm
I dunno guess I thought he was someone he wasn’t or rather I did predict this outcome so I don’t know why I was so surprised..maybe just disappointed by the fact that I was proven right so quickly-and he gave us 8 months. It’s been what? 2? Wow I’m impressed. He didn’t talk to me online last night bc he was out drinking and I assume he was over at the whorehouse till 11pm again (so he got back at 5 am for my time? Because he mssged me at around 7 am and didn’t call so I kept sleeping even though I really missed him last night and just wanted to see his face and the first thing he tells me is that he was drunk enough to mistake that whore,(notice I'm not being judgmental-I'd see myself the same if I were to go after other people's boyfriends..while I'm already in a relationship) for me and then goes on to say how he loves me more than anyone there and how no one will ever love me as much as he loves me or some bullshit like that and my first impression is that either he fucked her or was in the process of doing so when she turned him down or she passed out at his place and he ‘thought’ she was me and tried sleeping with her. And I don’t even know if he’s at his place right now because his bedroom looks different and if I’m not mistaken I think he’s passed out on the floor bc the camera moved around a bit and at one point I thought I saw a piece of fabric fly by in the corner and he doesn’t have curtains bc of the shoji so I’m assuming it was some slut he brought home. Yeah I think it’s a good thing I waited on the whole let’s buy tickets to japan and see the boyfriend for a month because two months in and he’s fucking around. I thought he was different, but in the end he’s a guy that thinks with only one thing and all that emotional crap he spewed about wanting to have a family with me in the future and just being together in the countryside.. Romanticism is one way of getting a girl into bed. I dunno if he’s made me a worse person or not..or maybe just jaded. In any case, I despise him right now because I just want him to wake up and tell me what happened. I know this has to be about me going out yesterday and not really talking to him. It’s not really fair, I don’t think, when I’m the one always waiting on him while he’s out getting drunk and trying to fuck. It’s disgusting. I wonder sometimes how I even got involved or how I even managed to fall in love with such a person. I thought everyone in Santa Barbara was disgusting, in IV especially so I was surprised when I met some transfers yesterday-one in the military studying hard for the past year or so to transfer, and another a grad in engineering, Catholic at that. Whereas this asshole said he’d break up with me if I got ‘all religious’ on him ..it’s a bitch always wondering if he’ll bring some disease home. I don’t think I want to sleep with him again. I just got used to being held at night but that’s a normal conditioned response in humans, to have the need to feel needed and protected. He respects me because I dunno my stability? But he doesn’t respect me if he’s hanging out with whores. It’s not cruel if she has a boyfriend and is going after mine for some reason. Went to sleep sad and woke up angry and hurt I wonder if this is the right relationship for me after all. He said his job was to make me feel secure..provide emotional support..and be there but I don’t think he’s been doing that lately (and yes, these can all be provided long distance through talking). I don’t blame him if he runs out of things to say and just goes online but I expect him to give me a response when I ask him what the fuck happened last night.
3:31 pm
Panda just called asking if we should go to see admin today and when he asked if he just woke me up, I said I think kuma cheated on me he said oh shit little awkward silence and then if you need to talk about anything let me know. I said I’d call him if I need bunny therapy but really, oh shit indeed. I am really upset with him right now. I dunno if he was trying to make me jealous or what but he should know by know that I jump to conclusions and to say something like that would make me go crazy.
4:58pm
I had cried at first, probably sounded really pathetic too. When I was calling for him and he didn’t reply. I felt alone? Helpless? I don’t think it was anything as dramatic as that in reality but of course worry and suspicion tend to elaborate on reality. Not only that but I wonder if it was even worth waiting for him or if he’s off somewhere being a bitch right now.
5:31pm
So he was out drinking with some Swedish guys and 'waited for her to leave'..so I guess I did have something to worry about after all. Apparently nothing happened and he was drunk too drunk off his ass to even say my name right. That's er amazing. I can see why some people don't bother getting involved when it's such a hassle. Maybe I will be living for other people after all..working with patients and just taking care of them should be enough. And I thought I found him.
Disclaimer: these thoughts/comments are not necessarily my current opinion on the people or events which transpired.
No comments:
Post a Comment