Have you ever gotten the feeling that things are just one sided and all of the effort and physical/emotional strain you put upon yourself are simply wasted? It is part reality and the other part is doubt that others instill. We walk into an unclear future and maybe it's just the time or the place, but I wish we could have met under different circumstances. But for now, my only wish is that we are both happy, whether or not it's together or apart. If this has taught me anything, it's caring for someone else more than myself..I want you all to myself but at the same time I want you to be happy and free as you do the things you wish to do. I hope balance will be established soon because this worry that our different opinions on certain matters (see: Level 1,2 cheating)will lead to an obvious chain of events, is exhausting. And it often makes me wonder if this effort is all worth it, when I value this more than the other person. Apparently, I'm a one month rebound..it makes absolutely no sense sometimes, why I should continue this. And then I try to go a day without seeing this person and the slightest reminder of this person not being by my side makes it rain even on a sunny day.
Today I found myself smiling for no reason, and then I realized it was because I was thinking about you.
It is so pathetic sometimes, or maybe just human, that we fear being replaced. Sometimes I wish I could be the only person to be able to give certain things to the one just for me. And then reality slaps me in the face, with this person's set of standards..girls who are cuter, or who have better conversation skills, or future plans that don't clash as much. What an inconvenient place in life to be in. Fear of the uncertainty causes me to go into rather annoying logic, but I'd rather do so that get disappointed as I watch myself lose the person most important to me. I shouldn't love him this much, but the fact is..
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