I am wondering how something so pure as caring for another person can turn into something dark and ugly. Because of being in love with this person, I have come to despise certain people he is constantly around..two girls in particular. I haven't met them, but at the same time I have, in other people. Although my interactions with them through skype were amiable, I generally am very perceptive about certain people. For instance when I met him, he was confident but that was all for show and his insecurities couldn't be more clear. These two girls, although I don't know what they're getting at, they just want to have fun, and this expense. Good friends after two months of traveling in a foreign country, one calls the other a 'dirty whore'. I wonder if she sees through the other as well. In his room, sitting on the ground and being quiet was it because I was there? I doubt they are good people as they seemingly appear to be. And of course physical appearances tend to blind people, especially for him, in which aesthetics supposedly determine the value of things and people. I don't know if it was a good or bad thing that I'm considered cute..I remember when I asked what he found in me, he said that I'm nice. What a generic term. It's a compliment you use when you meet someone and you're looking for a completely neutral way of saying that you can stand the person. I wonder if two completely different people can complement each other.
He is constantly looking for adventure (see: leaving country to avoid a potentially meaningful relationship and commitment).
Whereas I find adventure in daily life. While he was here, taking naps on the grass and walking to the beach or going out to get icecream, judo on the weekends, just loving everyday. That was enough. I would be perfectly content to live everyday just being near the ones I love.
He is a bit of a dreamer.
When I first got to know him, he spoke of Japan as if it were a utopian society. As if everyone* was perfectly nice and treated each other with respect. How delusional. Granted, it is a very nice country to visit, I am overwhelmed by the novelty of new people and situations every time I go there. But I would not live there. Simply because I am not Japanese. I am sure that there are plenty of people who find happiness there, but I would not be happy serving coffee and tea after getting a Master's or Doctorate. There are signs in certain areas and stores where foreigners are not allowed and it makes me wonder what time period they think they are in. Granted some tourists are idiots, but there are also professionals trying to make a living or just trying to understand the culture. His dream was living in Japan and teaching English in the rural areas. Then according to him he met me. I don't see what the big change was. I am no one of importance. I haven't won awards for being beautiful or making any major contributions to my field. I'm not even that* nice most of the time. We spend 6 months together and he falls in love with me as I'm brushing my teeth. That's er interesting. I have wondered whether or not people brainwash each other. Did we do that? Just being physically near someone will make you act differently-pheromones and such. People are very susceptible to chemicals. I wonder if we would have fallen in love under different circumstances..like meeting online. So I bring up the idea of working abroad if I apply to the CDC after graduation and he jumps on it..or if we were to live in Hawaii and that sounded like a good idea. It sounds to me as if it not me he is looking for, but rather new experiences and traveling to meet people for pleasure. Creating an exotic life because of the novelty of it all. I am not sure why, but such an idea seems very transient to me. If there are people willing to make sacrifices to make you happy, because your happiness is their happiness, then why not stay near them? It seems counter-intuitive to travel as far as possible from them simply to make oneself happy for a short time.
Personal Statement
I wrote about my parents once, to give colleges an idea of my background. I was never close to my father because he was always working. Mom told me that for a long time, I thought one of her closest friends was my dad because I saw him so often so he was the one I called Daddy first. In 6th grade I stopped talking to him for a while because of family drama and affairs. It took me a while but then I realized my dad was constantly working to support his family. Mom used to work but stopped when she had me so she could raise the kids. Both my parents are hard workers, always trying to better themselves so that their family can have a better life. They tried eight times before they were finally able to escape the country during the war and come here. They worked 90 hours a week and waited 10 years before even thinking about having children because they had to take care of family. I don't think I'll ever be able to be that dedicated to my family and traditional values, but I do know that it would be very wrong to leave for a country where I don't want to live to be with a person who half asses the relationship. It took me a while but I think I'm smarter now, education and furthering my career should be my top priority. Because it is clear that no one can support me better than myself.
The Future
It's fine, I can see myself going into work and after a long excruciating day of dealing with sick people or people who know they're going to die soon. It might be depressing at first but at least I'll have a job that matters. Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly give up a dream I've had since very little for one man..Love is very strange indeed.
I thought of going to this other country where I'm not welcome, to teach English. It probably would be a lot of fun, but it's not what I want to do. Nor is it the kind of work I want to leave behind. I would much rather care for people than lecture on linguistics.
Everybody has a dream and I hope that I stick to mine and stop getting blind sighted by sinful smiles.
Realizations are a bit like double edged swords. On one hand, the clarity of the situation takes away all doubt. But it is also similar to the death of a dream. Because for as long as you dream, there is still the hope that everything will turn out favorably. But then reality slaps you in the face and there is nothing left but to accept it.
11:11
I'm not sure if it's naive of me, but whenever I get the chance to make a wish, it is always the same-that no one is alone and that everyone will be happy. I don't think anyone passes by dandelion seeds and doesn't consider blowing them into the wind to make a wish.
Cruelty
It was harsh of me, how I dealt with the situation. But I don't know if I was reacting to actually getting hurt as I was trying to protect my pride. It was cruel, but I never realized how easy it was to be indifferent-as opposed to being involved and crying about my replacements. I've been wanting to run away and just forget this has all happened, but I still find myself waiting in front of my computer at certain times. And my heart smiles more than any other time during the day when he says those words. I think that no matter how much I delude myself, I'll probably always need him because there's a bond. And I wish that the circumstances were different..I wonder if I'd be smiling right now if they were.
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