I go into lab this morning only to leave with the feeling that I have accomplished nothing. It's as if I'm just another lab rat (actually, when I first started out I thought that they were testing work ethic in relation to the absence of an incentive ie. pay..paranoid I know, but the psych dept has played jedi mind games with me on more than one occasion..). I think about how depressed I'd be if I were to do this for the rest of my life (ie. career)..that's not a good sign.
Now then, onto more depressing tales from the realm of Sleep (or lack thereof)...
When I was little I wanted to be a doctor, but not just any doctor. I wanted to be a heart surgeon. Ever since 2nd grade I think. My mom would always tell me stories about how one of my cousins went to this one high school and after she graduated, she got into a really good college, and then, med school. She first didn't think she'd be able to make it so she started out as a medical assistant, but then she graduated as a medical doctor and when she was in the surgery room she'd be so short they had to give her a little stool to stand on. I always thought it was cool that despite being small, everyone really looked up to her and depended on her. I wanted to be just like her..in 6th grade I memorized all the parts of the heart and the pathway of bloodflow..I'd pore over my dad's old medical text books and read about all the different organs and what happens when they crap out on you.
In high school I went to look at colleges and at X, they said that you'd be guaranteed to get into their joint medical school if you were an undergrad there and had a certain gpa/MCAT score. I spent so much time on the application and got a lot of good letters of rec but still didn't get in. My friend, who got into fights at school (and chipped a tooth, she was so ba) did. My friends in high school said my handwriting was like a doctor's (sloppy and illegible?) and that made me happy because it was like other people were confirming my future.
Freshman year I got good grades and was still very hopeful. Sophomore year I failed my first class and everything went downhill as I began isolating myself and studying (but work is so unproductive when you're not happy). I came to terms that I wouldn't be able to take the MCAT and apply to med school. Everything fell apart and I became completely lost. If I couldn't be a heart surgeon then what would I do..junior year I decided to go to grad school and get a master's before applying to med school. My letters of rec didn't come in on time, I was too stressed about my undergrad studies to keep track of grad school deadlines and so I didn't get in.
Senior year I became a realist (albeit very cynical at times). I decided that it wouldn't be the end of the world to wait another year to get into grad school and that in the meantime I'd study more and apply for a clinical lab job so I'd be able to work in the hospital prior to getting into grad school.
I don't know what makes me happy, but it's not my current situation. You ask people for help and the only solutions they offer are far too simple, the easy way out is never the answer. This past year I have only learned how to hurt people, to say things that as I'm running it through my mind I can tell it will hurt them but I do it anyway..when did I ever become such a spiteful person? And I wonder if relationships have a similar effect on other people. Maybe I should have become a nun like I planned to in 7th grade..
I've taken personal frustration, loneliness, and jealousy out on other people..how unprofessional. Of course the person who gets hit hard the most is the person that caused all of this to begin with (I'm not pointing any fingers). I begin to see only the flawed side, everything that ever happened in the past to make me feel bitter. And I begin to wonder whatever possessed me to even entertain the idea of moving to another country just to be with a person..
Hi X! How is everything and your new job? I need advice, This may sound ridiculous, but I've gotten serious with my 7 month boyfriend (who's currently in Japan). He plans to live there even after his year of studying abroad and wants me to be with him but he has no intention of moving back to the states. I'm debating on whether to go to grad school (don't even know if I qualify), or taking education classes so I can teach over there. Do you think its too soon to make so many sacrifices in such a relationship? I'm planning on taking Japanese and teaching little kids bio but I wonder if I'm sacrificing too much because initially I wanted to go into research/healthcare.
[My thoughts as of July 30, 2009]..it's a good thing I'm not an impulsive person or I really would have completely destroyed my future. That, and I have a very wise friend who set my head straight. I have been told that the first one is always the deepest, and apparently most passionate. It will feel as though you are the only one that matters in the world and the words I love you don't mean anything unless they're coming from then. But I wonder if that's the type of love that you need to end up with, or if you need to settle for something less but more realistic. Because if something were to happen to the person then you'd be flitted away from the dream land (see: P.S. I Love You).
I've been whapped by reality far too much this year, but at the same time I'm grateful for such experiences because they have forced me to grow..goes back to the whole crap as fertilizer thing I suppose.
P.S. leper jokes *always* ruin the mood.
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