4/26/10 23:53 cloudy, foggy
It's terribly lonely to be the one left behind. The people who leave never have to deal with that, although I'm sure they have to deal with their own problem. I never got to know how my brother felt when I left him behind to go to college. I was never put in the position so that the only thing I had for consolation was a cat. I guess everything goes full circle at some point.
He's out playing badminton or something at the moment and I wonder how many smiles I've missed in the past almost-year. Shared food, hugs, jokes, judo pins, adventures, sunsets, naps, dances in the kitchen, food expeditions, I love you's..it feels as if I've lost a lot to distance. There are so many experiences that drift by with time, without my permission. People really are helpless. The universe just goes on existing and something like debilitating depression, losing a family member, or getting in an accident can feel like the world is crashing down on your head but existence just goes on nonchalantly. I remember hearing about a woman who lost her husband to pneumonia while he was away on a business trip and she wondered why the world was so uncaring because she lost him and all of a sudden was a single mother. Isn't such a tragic event supposed to pause everything?
You know the beginning of Sleeping In? That's the sound my heart's making right now (at the risk of being labeled as emo(?) for a song reference).
Went to the gym today and as usual, I was in zen mode as I tried my best to get stronger. Despite this, I'm still self conscious and I swear a few guys kept staring at me. It brought me back to my mindset from a few years back-that men are dangerous and dirty. I felt disgusted when I wondered whether they were thinking, she's cute, I wonder how she is in bed. Not to sound presumptuous or anything, I've just heard those words come out of another man's mouth before. I don't think of myself as anything amazing, I'm just an average person trying to better myself. But I do think that there are those who can be blinded by preconceived ideas about my race and would notice me without knowing anything about me.
Iced my shoulders right after the gym because I think I've severely injured both this time and it's not going to take just a few days to recover when I can barely raise my arms above my head.
Today I slept a little too much during my nap. The pull of dreaming is like sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised. I need to stop avoiding things.
Felt completely stupid while attempting to learn a new skill..how is it that I always manage to run into problems that even the instructor has never seen before?~Excel class
Lab 1 took only 40 minutes to weigh and flush the rats. I'm proud of that. I'm also happy with the fact that I'm starting to make an effort to learn the details about the research project.
Lab 2 took 5 minutes because there was only 1 dissecting tool in the sink so I won't get paid today.
I wonder why I'm more driven to go to the job that I don't get paid for.. maybe because I get more respect as a research assistant than a dishwasher? I want to learn enough so that I can get a respectable job. I won't be able to help everyone I want if I don't have the power to. So even if I want to give up when it starts to get frustrating, I know I have to keep moving forward and get that piece of paper.
Ate way too much smoked salmon today..
Today's meeting went well, but only because I had someone else there with me. I wish I could speak better. I think it's the kind of thing that you have to learn with time, and all of the work I'm currently involved in is most definitely helping me. I need to break the habit of only being comfortable around people I know well..whenever it's a professional atmospher, the suits and ties and shelves filled with books and framed papers on the wall intimidate me. All of my words get tied up..
Looked over past records out of curiosity and it was like re-igniting how I felt at that moment in time. Feeling used or lied to, all the bad things come up to the surface far too easily. I feel upset it took so long for me to be appreciated for who I am. I wonder if given the choice I'd do it all over again. Because I wasn't as in control of my feelings as I thought I was and maybe I should have just walked away that fall afternoon. From the very beginning, the odds were against everything. A house built on sand just goes downhill from there. I hope the times I've felt loved outweighs the times I felt used. Although I wonder how my ignorance factors in-the many months I thought everything was equivalent but it turned out that I was the only one to throw myself into the situation..it's like crossing a rickety bridge with someone saying, I'm right behind you and you get to the middle and turn around and they're long gone. It's difficult to know if they were ever there in the first place.
I read about a woman who recently found out her husband has been having an affair for several months (ironically when I was browsing around for relationship advice). It was such a complicated situation I'm not sure how or if I'd be able to deal with it. Her husband is a doctor and while she was arguing with her husband in the elevator, she noticed a heavily pregnant woman. The next day her husband calls her from work telling her how the pregnant woman's husband was his patient and had passed away. Husband guy stays at work for longer hours, wife gets suspicious and confronts him, he admits to sleeping with her but he wants to work things out by going into counseling. Wife confronts other woman, who cries and apologizes. Both women have children, the husband has children with his legal wife and a reputation to uphold, so where do you go from there? Such complex lives..
I've noticed that I have a tendency to either completely idealize past events or pick out everything that was wrong. I wonder if I can see things objectively when I'm the one getting hurt. I wonder if things would have worked out if he had stayed, or if the lazing around would eventually get to me. I wonder if this is being drawn out.
It's a little late, and I might be rambling. But I never seem to know what my thoughts are till I sit down and wordvomit. I feel sick.
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