Redundancy

Don't get me wrong, I love being in a relationship and I'm grateful for having someone to share my life with. But honestly, sometimes I just want to run straight into a wall out of frustration. I find myself getting more and more agitated by the irrationality and lies of this person. Not to mention the fact that the man I'm currently in love with is apparently a mindless drone, excuse me, he likes to 'please people'. The guy would get alcohol poisoning and die in Japan if his so called friends told him to keep drinking..or at least make an ass of himself in public. Doing drugs because someone tells him to..he was so proud of being an Eagle Scout but that doesn't account for anything when his actions say otherwise. He doesn't listen sometimes, and I understand because tech toys and the like are much more interesting than the talk. I've been told I have a soft voice, too so I guess it would make it hard to listen to after a while. I feel like we have more than enough of these talks, but for some reason something or other always manages to bring up the topic. I worry about his safety constantly when he's out and being reckless because he'll jump if anyone tells him to. And he says, promises, that he'll change. But I've heard it all before, numerous times.

He'll tell me during the throws of a hangover, how ohmygod I'm never going drinking again. Or how he was a complete asshole and regrets everything he's ever done. He'll be sober for a good week before I get the text or call about how he just walked home from downtown because he left his bike there for some reason and oh so valiantly came home immediately from his night of debauchery to see me. Well don't I feel special. I get to see him at his worst after he's done with spending all of his time having fun with the whores in Japan. I hate them. They don't deserve his time and yet I'm left alone all the time. I hate this and I don't deserve it. I don't want to do it anymore and yet I find myself rethinking it again and again despite the fact that everytime he does something ridiculous I tell myself that this is it, I forgave him all those times because I was stupid, but not this time. I'll just walk away and I never want to see his face again. He can go out and find his little japanese wife and live there till he dies because I don't care anymore (he was looking for someone else when we were still together anyways so I don't see why leaving him and giving him this option makes any difference..I was just kept as a backup, I still feel so used).

I wonder what happens to the girls who never become women. I don't want to cater to his every whim or forgive him for everything he's done because then I'm no longer taking care of myself but I find myself doing so anyways. I should not be with someone who has such blatant lack of morals or self restraint. For a time I thought that you had to be complete opposites to attract but it seems to not be so true now that I think about it. His scales are completely skewed-a girl who doesn't tip out of habit (but volunteers to teach kids every weekend) apparently has less value than a girl who makes out with a guy (and has a boyfriend) and a group that consistently gets him to drink to the point of blacking out (it was such an illogical argument I wanted to laugh). What kind of father would he be? I wanted to be with someone sober. People don't change unless they want to for themselves and he's always been this way. I've only brought it to attention because it honest to God bothers the hell out of me. He's frowned at the thought and effort of changing but reluctantly said he'd try because I keep nagging him about it. I scoff at the idea of a permanent change though..it's like rebuilding the economy in a day.

I just want a simple life with someone who cares about himself and others. Someone who has a strong moral compass and doesn't constantly contradict himself by saying I never lie only to negate it a few days later. Actually hearing the words "I can't promise you that I won't lie to you" felt like getting stabbed (or at least what I'd imagine it to feel like).

I should've taken that job in Atlanta instead of being afraid that I'll be far away from him..I guess at the time I didn't think about the possibility that there just might come a day in which I can't stand this person.

But maybe I'm just still mad because we recently fought about how he doesn't make any effort to be around good people..he's always liked things safe (keeping me around as he looks for his next girlfriend, being with the whores because he can't find people with similar interests). It made me laugh when someone actually pointed out that he has several brothels he goes around with. I'm with such a wonderful person..

We work out fine when we're together but when I'm not around it's as if he has no restraint in anything, and completely forgets he even has a girlfriend. This might just start another fight but I need to get it off my mind (a pensieve?) and I haven't made anything up so it's not as if any of this can be refuted. All I can say is, I'm dating a good man, but sometimes he makes me think otherwise. And I wish he'd respect himself a little more.