I am not nice

I wonder when everything started to turn sour. Most likely, everything that's true now was true then too, but I wonder when the little things began to become unbearable. Maybe it was the time and spatial differences, or the fact that my internet consistently craps out on me so that there's only a local connection and I can't use the internet for several hours at night, trying to make a conversation or resolve a conflict is so hard when the sound cuts in and out. Or constantly hearing my roommate suck face with some guy in the living room. It used to be that I was frustrated to the point of tears because I would hear them bickering and then later on taking over the bedroom and I didn't understand why things could be so unfair because I truly care about this person and I'm not allowed to be with him. Yet there are people who are using each other and get to spend all the time in the world with whomever they please.

Apparently I hurt the one person I care about. So much so that I constantly tell this person they're a horrible person and it makes them afraid to even wake up to me. I knew that a lot of the things I've said have reinforced the no trust policy and it doesn't seem like I'm doing anything to ameliorate the situation at all. To be honest, I have no idea how to. We fight, or argue, whatever you wish to call it, and I often end up pouring oil into the fire. I bring up things from the past because I think they're pertinent to the situation but it often ends up just causing the situation to blow up in my face. The thing I'm most afraid of is if we're not meant to be together. Because only recently there's been the glaring fact that we conflict a lot on certain things and we break each other down on other things. How do you know when a relationship is just completely destructive and you need to let go even though it's difficult? How do you differentiate between that situation and relationships you need to hold onto because they're meant to last and give you happiness in the long run?

Written records are interesting because they show exactly what happened at that point in time. It was really adorable to read back on what happened in the beginning. We both tried very hard to get the attention of the other. He tried especially hard (in his own awkward and weird way) to show how much he wanted to get to know me better. Bringing food, taking me out on adventures, watching 6 straight hours of horror movies because he heard I liked them, biking to the library to give me a hug because he heard I needed one..he tried very hard to get my attention I think. I think I was equally worried about messing up everything-thinking about saying the right thing, coming up with fun things to do so I wouldn't be boring to him. I like very much that it started out sweetly innocent. But I think that the fact that our futures didn't cross gave both of us a lot of trouble. Me, not being able to let go of him because I finally found the perfect person for me and he's adamant about sticking to his course which was already 4 years in the making.

Being equally stubborn didn't really help..there was a lot of arguing and tears both on and off the computer. Relationships in general should carry a warning sign I think. The time investment isn't as much of a stressful thing as the emotional investment.

Dealing with people is exponentially more difficult when you have no trust in them. I wonder what happened to transition from being such a loving couple, me absolutely heads over heals for him, to wondering if he's out looking for a new girl whenever I don't see him. It's so frustrating when I know I genuinely care about this person but my instinctual fears say differently. And I need someone to teach me how to be nicer, or at least restore me to my original state so that I'm not going around pouting/frowning and bitter. I want to be the kind of person people want to be around, and to be a loving enough person that my boyfriend wouldn't have second thoughts about wanting to be with me. I am tired of fighting.