Almost

I can't believe such a silly word started a fight.

Does it ever seem like everyone else's relationships are ideal and the one that you decided to fight for and keep seems to always be the one that has problems? I hate going back to old topics and remembering what I don't have at present and what I could have had. The greener grass conundrum. I hate arguing semantics as much as the next person but it feels like this is the sort of situation in which binary would be most appropriate. Like a school sending an 'almost acceptance letter'-stating they received your statement of interest and that perhaps you'll get a reply from them in a few months. Why not just straight out say yes or no when the time comes.

Almost. Like the time I almost met with a man whose family wanted me to marry into. Or the time I almost saved my dog. Or how I almost went to the right school, and if I had I would probably be in med school right now with a friend who had wanted me to go to college with her. Paltry words. The event either happens or it doesn't. If you are leaning towards it happening (since nothing is ever certain) then fine, start planning and thinking happy thoughts. Make everyone happy. If it's not then make that clear too, don't go doing sweet meaningless things. And if you plain don't know, then whatever, don't do anything as per usual. Drift on until a decision is made but don't, in the middle of it all, say I almost was going to do this. It sounds like an afterthought, to the person who wished for it, like something happy was going to happen but now maybe not so much. Like the day we stopped celebrating Christmas. I was in my 20s and was looking forward to it. But it never happened.

I hate holidays. I hate relationships that involve kissing and hugging and laughing because you get too attached and don't know what moves the person is planning. They are either in or against your favor and you can never know because they're hot and cold most of the time.

I get it, I'm not marriage material and never was. I'm the opposite of porphyria, when I get sick I sound like a man, I'm always studying or working on something and my career path has a ways to go. Not to mention the defective genes-thin enamel and too-big of hips.

But a girl can dream. I read papers with big words, do presentations in front of a lot of people during the day, but at night I look at shiny things. And it feels guilty, because it's not like it's something I deserve or anyone would ever give to me. Usually it's the sort of thing you look at with a partner. And there's usually a lot of holding hands and smiling involved. But in this case, my partner is a cat. A very judgmental cat mind you, but better than a complete lack of company I suppose. I don't think I would go too mad from living with a cat and dog. Complete with my townhouse filled with pictures of science-y things on the wall. And all of the clothes would be in the closet/or on their hangers. There would be room on the hardwood floors to prance with the animals. That would be nice. Although most of the time I would probably just plop on the (single) couch and cuddle with the animals and play on the computer after a day at work. It's lonely but I'll get used to it. Just like Amelie. Oh wait, she had a happy ending.