I was just thinking about how frustrating it is. That is, I hate my father but if something happened to him I'd still cry like a fucking baby. Like that day he came home really late-or didn't come home at all because his car broke down so he stayed at the station (presumably). I stayed up to hear the front door open. It's out of principle or something, that we are taught that a nuclear family-2 parents+kids is what is necessary for a normal life. I disagree. The two incomes are definitely helpful but when one parents is making a negative income-pouring it into his brothers'/nephews' wallets, and the other parent is picking up odd jobs, being verbally abused and harassed for $4/hr to pick up the slack, I don't think two parents necessarily contribute to the offspring's happiness. I need to get the fuck out of here. That is my first selfish though. My next thought is wondering if I will always be tied to this house in some way because I need to watch and make sure my parents don't get scammed or my dad comes up with another stupid plan that would really get us into financial trouble. I have not felt rage like that in a while. The last time was maybe when he immediately got on the phone with his brother and tattled about how my mom ("that woman") wanted to sue him fro fraud and his brothers for embezzlement (rightfully so). I took the phone from him and threw it across the room, shattering it (forgot Verizon didn't have sim cards). He had sobbed while I screamed at him, that he should tell his brother to get him a new one since he's done so much for him already. I was furious at how quickly he had sold out his family even though we have suffered because he's been giving everything to his bastard brothers, who have been able to buy new cars every few years, amassed 9 houses and embezzled 1M over the years. While we have lived in the same house for 20+ years unable to repaint or fix things because we can't afford to. I felt no remorse for making him cry bitch tears.
I'm not a very good religious character.
My mom had told me a few days ago that in mass the priest had said there is not difference in big or small sins, or how big or small someone has wronged you, you must forgive it all. I immediately disagreed in my head. The murder and rape of a child should be held differently in court in comparison to the stealing of a bar of candy (the hypoglycemic case). I suppose the Bible wants us all to be saints. But I am not so forgiving. Every circumstance is different, but this anger and disappointment at my father doesn't seem to want to fade anytime soon. I know for certain that I will not have nine kids and neglect them so they develop strange, unhealthy complexes with one another. Or maybe no kids at all. A lot of very successful women have told me that at some point you must choose between having a family and your career. That family isn't happening anytime soon so I guess I'll throw myself into this dream I've been having. No more wasting time deluding myself.
And all of a sudden my personal troubles have become minuscule. So what if my boyfriend and his family look down at me, throw me into the category of women who marry for money or green cards. I know me and I know my potential and moral values. I guess it's just up to me to acquire my own assets, run my own career, be responsible for my own happiness.
No comments:
Post a Comment