Monkeys

I still listen to recordings when I'm feeling lonely, and then afterwards I wonder whether or not it's unhealthy. I leave a safe, comfortable environment because I am afraid of becoming addicted, which may have already happened anyway. I am needy and pathetic. I wonder whoever came up with the idea of the necessity of feeling accepted and loved. They should be booted in the butt and sucker punched.

I have always been a lonely person, I think that is where my habit of speaking in first person comes from, with every sentence starting with 'I'. It is because the main character for the majority of my life has been 'I'. Every so often someone walks in and there is dialog, but most of the time it is simply 'I'.

It was lonely, but I had gotten used to it because even though there was only one character, 'I' was always around, so I guess I could never truly be lonely since I have myself. After the addition of other characters, however, I began to become more reliant and used to the idea of having someone other than myself around. I got used to speaking aloud rather than just thinking to myself. This realization only made the silence louder, and the loneliness more pronounced. Of course, I am seemingly happier now with this new company. But every so often I do wish things could go back to the way they were so that I wouldn't feel this foreign thing anymore.

Feeling lonely sucks.

I have so much to do and yet my mind is stuck in a rut when I feel alone. At the risk of (yet again) sounding like an emotional, it is as if darkness swallows you whole and there is no sound or image that can get processed.

All I can hear is his strange sounds and see the memories we've made so far. The smell of his deodorant (because he doesn't wear cologne) and the widening of his eyes when he pretends to be jealous of someone I've met or spent time with. The feeling wears away at me until all I notice is how big my bed is and how empty my room is now that all of his clothes and bags, computer, and shoes are gone. And so I listen to recordings of when we were apart. Sometimes I don't even hear the conversation, and it is just background noise. But the low timbre of his voice calms me and I don't feel so alone.

It is sad to be so needy, I am wondering if one is to have several relationship prior to settling down, just so when something happens, the world does not come crashing down and one is fully capable of picking up the pieces.

He is 5 minutes away and yet listening to certain songs linked to the past will still bring tears to my eyes. Right now it is not healthy. And at this moment, I don't want to think about how I would react if something were to happen. I would probably lock myself up in my room, sleep the days away and not eat or talk to anyone. I would not be able to function. And so, this calls for distance. Of course, the more realistic cure is also the least desirable-being emotionally available in a second relationship-going through the cycle of first meeting, infatuation, desire, love, conflict of interests, breakup, moving on. Most certainly, such an experience would force some maturation, but at the same time I would most likely be even more jaded than I am now. My dreams would be darker and I doubt my humor and personality would return to their once pristine state. And so, I will keep at it. Like a monkey.