Back home it's all bad news-cousins going down the wrong road and no one has any idea of how to help them. My grandmother getting sicker and weaker because of diabetes and bad choices. And I am alone. Out of choice! It's almost laughable that I should sit here as Mr. Panda digs his claws in and out of my leg, making me more miserable by the minute..and that I chose* to be here. I want to go back, I want to sit in a familiar lap and be happy. I feel alone and lonely. I need to get a job and preoccupy myself again.. work myself into exhaustion so that nothing else can come to mind.
It had felt like torture when I first got to LA..coming to an unfamiliar house, with semi-familiar faces, an awkward and overly formal welcome. I can't believe that was only in June. I got there early, far too early and was welcomed by sleepy faces and pajamas. Oh, and squealing pigs. I felt terrible for arriving so early but my parents had wanted to leave early so that they could go back early seeing as how they had work the next day. I unpacked all of my stuff and the first thing I set up was my laptop because he* could be on. The next couple of days were a blur. I think we fought a lot via skype, and I got ready for school to start.I had my resume set up and sent it out four or five times everyday so I could start saving up.
I was started to get worried when no one called back and then hearing about how long it would take to get certified worried me even more because I would definitely have to go home after the class ended if I didn't get a job. But I finally landed some interviews and things started to look up.
SCHOOL
I was looking forward to him coming back. But it wasn't easy up till that moment. I remember several pseudo breakups for some reason or other, one was the day before I had class and I had driven to school with puffy eyes. I kept tearing up in class, unable to focus and just blindly writing down notes. My professor looked worriedly in my direction a few times, but I'd just look away because I didn't want to embarrass him or anything. I remember making things worse because I had listened to my voicemails and misheard what he said. I thought that he said he had been leaning towards ending things. I was an emotional wreck once I got home and had to wait for quite a bit till the time differences overlapped and I could talk to him. We straightened things out, I guess.
WORK
I started work and it was miserable the first two days. My coworkers did their best to help me acclimate and they were all very kind, feeding me constantly and telling me about their sons..who they wanted to set me up with..Anywho, the work was tiring, I was falling asleep on my feet the first day. The second day I got used to being on my feet all day and realized that the secret to staying alert and not feeling exhausted was to keep moving around.
ARRIVAL
When the day finally came I was so excited I almost couldn't sleep the night before. It was like Christmas, only I knew I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I went to class and rushed out after lecture was over to get home. I saw an unfamiliar car out front and thought, 'maybe his brother drove him over to surprise me'. I had been waiting for nearly a year for this moment and cautiously unlocked the door because I knew that if he really was there, he'd want to scare the crap out of me, no doubt about it. i called out for one of the housemates to see if they were home and maybe they could hint at whether or not he was there (a giggle or something). I ninja'd around corners and got to me room. I then chucked my bag into the room in case he was hiding around the corner waiting to scare me. Finally I tentatively ran into the room, hopeful and half scared (just in case). But he wasn't there.
I was disappointed, half expectant though, so the blow was lessened. More like a punt to the solar plexus. As I dejectedly sat on my bed, I tried to study for a bit. Gave up, and played on the internet. I then proceeded to check my phone every 5 minutes..for the next 3 hours. Finally, finally he calls and very casually asks "what are you up to"? He tells me to come over. And out of fear of awkwardness of intrusion, or something, just the fear of being alone with the guy, I took along my housemate(more like frog marched him out). We get there and he is surrounded by stuff. I am right, it is awkward. He is standing there, a couch separating us and neither of us having anything to say. He welcomes me with a pizza bread and several packages of jelly fiber drink. He tells stories of being over there, and then how he had gotten the day wrong and had to buy another ticket to come back on time. He's..smaller than I remember. And then I recall him telling me about all the weight he's lost while being abroad. I think we hung out after that to eat dinner(bbq chicken?) and watched a movie.
Afterwards we went back to my place to watch more movies and cuddle (which I sorely needed). There were so many simple days where we simply did that-or wandered about and ended the day with cuddling. And then I realized that I wouldn't mind at all if I got to do that everyday. In fact, that would make me very happy. What makes me happiest is being with the one I love and simply being able to be by their side and if possible, to wake up next to them every morning. That would be my heaven on earth I think. I was almost nonchalant this morning, but as soon as reality struck, I tried so hard to hang onto it. So here I am, with a cat on my butt as I write on the tragedies of life rather than being able to hold the one most important to me. Tonight is going to be hard..
My cat's all warm and fluffy, purr on HI, blanket's super soft, and the fridge is full of good things. But I'd trade it all to be near this person. It's going to get hard again isn't it?
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