I feel free and happy to have chosen friends who have taken care of me over the years. People who have forced me to grow up when I needed to and fiercely protected me when I was completely lost. It all sounds cliche, I'm sure. But I am happy to met all those I've met so far. But I have noticed that the people you meet are often all for different reasons. While in college I have met those I was meant to only know for a moment, a season, and a few I think I will know all my life. There are friends I have made who were there for me as we struggled through classes, the rain, heartache. I'm sure they'll be at my wedding and other milestones down the road.
There are also those whom after only a few minutes or a few years, are in the pursuit of mucking up life. There is no greater feeling than shedding the experiences and moving on. After a week of rehab (basically) I've finally got my motivational spirit back. I am not content with the possibility of holding $10-16/hr jobs for the rest of my life because I want to be able to have kids at some point. I never want my kid to ask if a chocolate bar is within our budget or having summer vacations at the local park. For a while I was in that situation and feeling in need is not a happy place to be if you can help it.
I'm on my way to something greater than myself, I've felt it all my life when I stood underneath the trees and looked up at the stars, or when I was standing on the sands of SB and looked at the ocean wondering where life was going. I was very confident as a first year..a little too confident. But my confidence wavered and collapsed at times. Things seem to have a habit of going full circle, and I know where I am going now. I might not know where that is, geographically speaking, but I do know for certain what kind of person I want to be. I want to be driven, independent and not relying on my husband or family financially. I want to be someone my family can be proud of, someone my kids will look up to, I want to go places and learn new things. I want someone by my side who has the same dream. I want this 'learning' business and fun to be one and the same. I want to grow and evolve, not just remain a college kid looking for fun for the rest of my life.
I want to cast aside things and people who keep me lazy and sick. I don't ever want to be in a place where the people are happy with doing nothing, learning nothing, living off of others everyday and embracing that lifestyle. I don't want to associate with drug dealers and immoral thieves. It would be pointless of me leaving home in the first place. I wish to be among people with ideas and dreams, people who can rub off on me and make me better. The past few months I felt as though I lived with Sloth, Avarice, Wrath, and Pride. The atmosphere began to make me sick. It was such a strange time, for me to have openly chosen to stay and be with these things when they only made me worse. Slovenliness and anger can change just about anyone.
I will be working my hardest, learning from giants so I can stand that tall someday and five years, ten years later I will be happy I didn't remain in a place where time ceased to exist and nothing moves forward.
There is little common sense in staying in a goldfish bowl when I could be exploring the oceans with the dolphins, or something. I was always taught, when looking for someone to provide for a future family, to not worry about the poverty or physical attributes. But look at their motivation-a poor person can go far and excel in life as long as they have drive and the will to succeed. A rich person can squander it all-time and money. Physical attractiveness should come last since it has the shortest life span and it shouldn't matter after marriage anyway.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I could go back-not being messed around with in first grade and continuing at that same elementary school- I wonder if I would have gotten into a better hs, or if I would have stayed at the same one. Would I be more outgoing had I not been bullied and transfered? What if I had stayed friends with that boy in second grade and never got to know the korean and caucasian girls who later bullied me? If I had done better in high school and gotten a 4.0 every year instead of just my last two years would I have gotten into Stanford or one of my other top choices? If I had been friends with the popular girls instead of the shy artist I wonder if I'd have a different personality at the moment. I wonder if I would be a better person had I stayed in touch with the girls from Mexico. And if I would be starting med school this week had I gone to school with that one girl from hs. I wonder if I would have stayed terribly depressed if I had never found the judo club. And if I would have been happier had I just formed more friendships rather than starting a relationship with a deadline my third year. I wonder if my grades would be better had I never worked at the hospital or did research. If it would have made a difference had I talked to the professors more.
I wonder what would have happened if I had gone with the comp sci freshman year..or the bio tutor second year/third year. I wonder where I'd be now, if I'd be further along since they're going in the same direction (the latter more so). I wonder what would have happened if I had studied abroad in Australia-whether or not it would have changed my perspective. I wonder if I had done the Honduras thing if I would be more compassionate at the moment, and whether or not I'd be happier having not met a bunch of people and being single at the moment. Or if I'd just be terribly let down when something starts and it doesn't turn out the way I wished it to. I wonder if I'd be just as lonely as before it all started. I wonder what would have happened if I had started out with someone my age, who had a clean slate and associated with people who were clean too. I wonder what would have happened if I worked with the dt pediatric-if I would have great connections at the moment and amazing memories. I wonder if I would have had more fun touring europe instead of spending two weeks in a country I've already gone to twice. Or if I had just visited as a friend, if my interactions would have been any different.
I wonder what it would be like if Happy never died and I didn't get pandacat. If I had stayed with the same group of friends freshman year through senior. I wonder if I would have yellow fever at the moment. I wonder what it would have been like had I been a dancer rather than a fighter..
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