memento mori

Note: The following is complete blather written by someone who couldn't sleep and doesn't hold any thought provoking or otherwise educational value, so no use in wasting your time.

"As more time passes, the distant object of your affections can begin to seem like something abstract and less than real. An e-mail in your inbox isn't the same as having someone nearby who can help you in person, who can share your day with you, and who can create new memories with you. "

"Long-distance relationship" can mean different things to different people. It may mean "heart-wrenching tragedy" to one person, while for the other partner it means "year-long vacation."

"With lease arrangements, career concerns and indecision, long-distance relationships can represent a holding pattern. Life doesn't naturally maintain holding patterns for very long. A couple in a long-distance relationship may not even notice the seismic change that is pulling them apart emotionally. Interests, values and friends may cause them to drift apart slowly and subtly. "

"Not all relationships are built to last, and the ending of a long-distance relationship can only sometimes be blamed on the distance alone. There's always the possibility the distance served as a catalyst for something inevitable. Some relationships simply aren't workable in the first place, and attempting to maintain them at a great distance can only serve to illustrate it with additional clarity."

"Myth: Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence than if she remains single.

Fact: Contrary to the proposition that for men "a marriage license is a hitting license," [that's a new one on me]

-from insomniac ponderings

I have just finished watching a comedy/horror episode of Masters of Horror but it is decidedly not time to sleep yet. So I search hulu for something else to watch and come across an episode of "My Strange Obsession". Direct to a new page, finished the clip and went on to see a clip from 'Say Yes to the Dress', in which brides to be bitch and scream about how their dress has to be perfect otherwise it will be the end of the world. Or, in contrast, the mother/in law demeans the bride in front of her friends and onlookers because she is too 'fat' or the like to wear a certain dress. All the wedding nonsense made me look up the dating/relationship advice section on Discovery Health. The first article: "10 Reasons Why Long Distance Relationships Don't Work". And I realize that, for the most part, I have been through each and every tick mark and it makes me begin to wonder how we have made it this far and whether this is one of those five year relationships that end in breakup. I don't want this to be that thing I've heard about, how you had great expectations for the person and the relationship in itself but everything went to shit and you are left to pick up the pieces (by yourself). I have heard of so many who struggled to recover after the damage has been done and how long it takes to heal from such a long and drawn out relationship. I wonder where this puts me and where we are headed and so many other things, such as am I wasting mine and someone else's time? And if I'm so smart why haven't I figured out what to do and just be done with it?

I am frustrated and worried about how much more selfish I'm becoming. Regressing to become immature and self centered was not my goal when I set out to do this.

On communication...

1. Listen generously. Reflect back what the person said accurately. Hear the person's feeling. Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
2. Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can't be argued. For example, you may say to your partner: "I feel bad when you leave for work without saying good-bye." You're saying that you feed bad (a fact) when your partner does not say good-bye (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument.
3. Focus on appreciation. The Hendrickses recommend a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint. Focus on positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.
4. Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.
5. Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

It feels as though as adults, we are taught how to speak again. Brings me back to what Guy#2 once said, 'Life sucks, and then you die."

Tomorrow: doing the same thing I did on Friday, for about 5 hours, walk the dog, eat, gym, sleep. I am looking forward to school, but I wish it was a little closer. I wish money wasn't a problem and I could have a stable job so i can afford to visit whomever I want. I wish life wasn't so difficult once it got better but I suppose that's how you learn to appreciate what you earn eventually. I'm just tired. Hair is falling out from stress presumably, these dark circles aren't going away and my sleep pattern has become erratic. The old analogy of love as a disease is right.