Down the rabbit hole

It's a mad mad world out there. I used to be so optimistic and sure about everything because everything just had to go according to plan. I have no idea why, now that I think about it, why things should go right. What with Murphy's law and whatnot..I was supposed to graduate with honors and go straight to med school, where I would find mister right amongst the cadavers and syringes and intubation workshops. We'd get married in our late twenties, I'd open up my own clinic (because family businesses never work out), and I'd get to treat as many people as physically possible because my stable job in a prominent hospital would pay for the bills when my patients didn't have insurance. We'd have two kids in a white house with a white fence and a flower garden in the front with a fruit/vegetable patch in the back for the dogs to romp in...But I digress.

Over the past four years I've gone through hardships and frustrations I didn't think I'd encounter whilst in my high school years..because I was too arrogant to think of such things. I ran with the wrong crowd, got left behind, let myself down, failed at many things despite my efforts, tried to get back up only to withdraw and allow myself to be crippled by the same old crap. I'd say third year was my best year..I had finally come to terms with the fact that, with things the way they were, (no letters of rec, not enough job experience, grades not good enough) that no, I was not going to medical school straight out of UCSB. I remember I broke down that day when I came to that realization. Because it was as if all those nights and hours and the library were for nothing. It was as if no matter how hard I tried I just wasn't good enough. I felt as if I was on a step lower than other people and that they, for some reason, already had an advantage over me and no matter what I could never catch up because they were already so far ahead.

It terrified me, that my plans were blown to smithereens. I don't know why, but something or someone happened that made me think that even if I can't do it now, I can do it as some later point in time. Even if it takes years, I want, I know I want it bad enough to work hard for a few years as long as I can get to that place someday. So maybe I'll have to take a 2 or 3 year detour, but I'll get to that white coat someday, (or at least somewhere close to it) because it's what I want more than anything in this life. I have this love, but admittedly there are times in which I doubt and there are moments when it's like,

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

With music blasting through my head phones, it only gets harder rather than easier..how counterintuitive.

Another counterintuitive thing~

//I want happiness, but I also want stability. Because it might be selfish of me, but I've never known the feeling of hunger and I really hope I never have to. I'm also responsible enough to not even think of having a family before I can promise that my kids never feel the need to want for anything. My household is pretty average. Actually, we might only be a wisp above what you would consider middle class, but I never lack anything that was necessary because both my parents worked 90+hours a week before they decided they could afford kids.

A few weeks ago some high school girls came up to me right after a final, asking if they could interview me. They asked me if I recommended the school and in my head I was screaming no, it will ruin your life but then I realize that it was my own pitfalls and faults that led me to where I am. I told them the canned answer of how it's a good school, but classes are relatively large and you shouldn't fall behind in your work. At that moment I realized how terrible it was to regret being where I was when I should be making the best of things and to work harder to redeem myself. I think for a long time I was just wallowing in regret. I wonder a lot about how things would have turned out had I gone to a different school, met different people, fallen in love with someone else. I wonder where I'd be right now, and if I'd be typing these words. But they say that (see: Multiverse theory) a new you is made from every alternative decision you could have made. I don't know about the happier me's, and I'm struggling quite a bit in this one, but it seems as if that's how the fates should decide for it to be. So I guess I'll just keep swimming.

Another thing I've noticed recently, (although I don't like it at all) is that I've retained every bit of my sensitivity from the past. Words strewn to me are taken hard and getting shot down feels as if I'm literally getting shot down...I knew I should have just signed up for that army/medical training program (but then my mum would always be worried that I'd blow up myself like that distant cousin..). In any event, I've decided to toughen up because I'm still too soft and mushy for the world. I feel like a slug in front of a bunch of people with sharp pointy sticks sometimes..or not, just thought that was a funny (?) image. Must stop watching those horror flicks..I've become somewhat of a sadist.

But I see my Dear, and it turns me to (more) mush. I still get chills up my arms when I see you go online..