Train

I can't blame it on hormones, or the weather, or the occasional bad day because after 21 years of life experience I should have these down pat. I don't know why I do it, really. Er start fights that is. I've found myself becoming more and more agitated/frustrated/scared (?) as the year continues on. I thought I'd be able to deal with missing someone, doing things on my own again, being alone. (But the loneliness is deafening sometimes)

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, albeit a very selfish one. It's a bit oxymoronic but for some reason these blatant statements or accusations or being mean because I want him to be happy even if it's not with me and his obsession with all things Japanese... hmm I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to see him happy. And if for some reason I'm keeping him from being happy, that would make me very sad so the only alternative I can see is to make him hate me and the little I can offer and instead see Japan and all the girls through the same disillusioned eyes as when he first started pursuing the ideal.

I sometimes wish I could keep these thoughts to myself, but I remember when I was little someone told me a story about a kid who kept his words locked up and then one day he forgot how to speak. I feel as if keeping words inside will destroy something. So I say what I think and maybe it will (ironically) destroy something someday, but I won't regret anything (ie. getting involved, giving it my all and being deliriously happy with him)

I hate sleeping sometimes because except for the occasional lucid dreams, you have no control over what you dream about. And I get the worse dreams when I'm stressed or worried about something.

Roar it never ends does it?