Paper bag

I feel fat, there's no other way to put it. I'm not fatter than the heaviest I've ever been in my life. But regardless, I am putting on weight and it's not attractive or healthy. No more eating out starting tomorrow (except for outings with the Club). I didn't become self conscious until I went out today with a friend to Wendy's and we both got chocolate Frostys (~12-14 oz). I finished mine fairly quickly while he (a guy) was struggling with his and complaining that they had given him too much. I've been embarrassed about out eating people before, but now it's all the more obvious. I need to get back on track and stop indulging. He doesn't say anything, actually reassures me, but I still feel as if I'm not as attractive as I once was.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I can (and usually do) eat so much..Glutton.

I only ever been called chubby by family members so I'm somewhat used to it..but I've heard friends and lover speak about other fat people. And it is cruel. I would have cried if they had said those things to me. Some people have uncontrollable appetites. We are programmed to eat when hungry so it would make sense for people to continue to eat if they continue to feel hungry. I eat sometimes when I'm depressed or stressed. It's not an excuse and I have control over it, but I've still let myself down in regards to my previous resolutions. I don't want to be rejected like Hamburger Girl or Tommy's Guy.

No more buying yummy food. I should eat as is necessary. Breakfast: yogurt/oatmeal lunch: eggs/ham sandwich dinner: salad/spaghetti. I don't snack so I wonder if I'm just eating too much when I actually sit down to eat.

I was always told that I should lose weight but I guess I was just too self confident to take anything seriously. It's become a problem and I'm conflicted as whether to take it in stride or go all out on a strict diet and strenuous exercise (ie sweat more). When I can eat more than men bigger than me, there is a slight problem. Ugh what a disappointment to let oneself go. I used to be so light back then, when I was fightin' men everyday for an hour. Now it's down to once, or three times a week. And of course I'm constantly eating in between.

I wonder what would happen if I went really overboard..as in if instead of gaining 7 pounds I gained 20 something pounds.. because of a certain condition many women face at some point in their life..I would lose people wouldn't I? I'd have to waddle around and not be able to bend over. I can't exactly starve myself at such a time because that would be a crime in itself. Hmm what to do..