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Went to an unexpected party last night. It's funny, but sometimes the things you avoid turn out to be exactly what you need. I had needed to go out and be with friends rather than buckle down and study. And so I ended up at a party..on a Wednesday night. A few years ago I wouldn't have fathomed such a thing happening, but the next day was going to be a holiday so I guess it's okay. More than the minty lemonade, what I really needed was to talk to someone. I'm very grateful that there are people who reach out to others without ever being asked. Actually, I'm the reluctant type. I hate being forced to open up. Not because I'm afraid of rejection (although it is a very* small component since I've been rejected enough times to become jaded), but I just wouldn't know what to say.

That's always been one of the hardest questions I can get for an interview or just with talking to new friends: tell me about yourself. I don't know. Would you like to know the name my parents gave me? Or the number of siblings I have? Basic, trivial things you can find on any documentation. I know that people usually mean to ask something on a deeper level. I can talk all about my faults and fears but it's hard to talk about what I'm good at without sounding arrogant, and for some reason it's always a Catch 22 when I add that in addendum. ie. I'm really good at X,Y,Z but not to be arrogant or anything.. So I guess all I can tell people is that I'm an honest person and I try my best in everything I do, even when it's something I really don't care about but because it's my responsibility, I'll try my hardest.

In all honesty, I hate talking about emotional crap. It sounds so trivial as soon as the words come out of my mouth. But while it's stewing inside my mind, everything is seen through a magnifying glass and reeking havoc upon my senses. I'm a soft fluffy marshmallow and over the years of watching my dreams go up in flames, well I don't bounce quite right anymore, (does that make sense?).

I'm a pretty needy person, come to think of it. But when it comes down to it, what I mean is that I have the basic needs of just about anyone else. I love the feeling of acceptance for any quirky things I do (or the weird sounds I make while sleeping), I need to feel loved, respected, valued. Last night while learning several very good songs to play on acoustic guitar, (one of which included my wedding song), a very perverted and odious man decided to hit on me. I told him straight out that it would result in bodily injury to himself should he keep talking. I can handle myself fairly well of course (see 10+ years of training) but at that moment I wished more than anything that Kuma chan could have been there. That would have been hilarious. But of course I don't think he would have said anything that idiotic had I been sitting on a great big bear's lap. That would have been suicide on his part. Lonely, lonely people looking for love in all the wrong places. I don't feel sorry for them..but I would like to be their friend and be there for them, (hugs and cookies make everything better~it's been proven) while they keep looking for their person. It's funny, but I used to be one of those lost people. I tagged along with friends to different parties. Naively thinking I'd find Him. Of course not. I did get harassed a few times and had gotten pushed pretty far to the point of wanting to break something/someone if not for my friends to hold me back. It was my fault though, to blindly go somewhere looking for something that obviously wouldn't be there. I always left those parties feeling somewhat disappointed though. I remember once, while my friends were having fun with random guys on the dance floor and I was standing off to the side because I wouldn't feel comfortable with an unknown man pushing against me, there was a gentle looking person standing across the room from me. I don't know if he was just setting himself up for false advertisement, but he had looked so out of place in a vest and a clean face. I doubted anything would have come of it so I left it alone. My friends kept moving me around the room and later told me he had been following me the whole night. I'm not sure what the point of that story was; I do tend to tell stories with no meaning or moral. Just reminiscing to my 1st, 2nd year days I suppose.

My goals for the future as a child (in no particular order) used to be to become a doctor, to travel, to play with the cows on 280 (I was a strange, strange child), to fall in love, to get my first kiss, to go to Australia, to slow dance with someone who felt the same way, to be ambidextrous, to be happy. I've done a lot of these things so far and it's made me generally very happy and it might be too soon but I think that my New Year's resolution (aside from being 100 lbs because I'm overweight at the moment), is to be more resolute in terms of getting jealous and insecure.

I just don't want to lose the one thing that has made me happier than I've ever been.