I remember in elementary school, when the teacher told us to go around and use an adjective to describe (and compliment) the person next to us, I said that the boy next to me had pretty eyes (they changed colors depending on his mood so I was always fascinated by that). But when it came to me, it was always "nice". Everyone used that to describe me even up until high school. It's such a generic, neutral term that I didn't know what to make of it at the time. But it did make me sad sometimes. No body really put in any effort to get to know me and I was just too shy to try. I was always really jealous of the girls that had friends who would play pranks on them or play fight because that meant that they were on close enough terms to do that kind of thing. I didn't have anyone like that.
I had a rough start (or so I was told) because my teacher and peers were racist to me. A boy stepped on my lunch and told me to eat on the ground because that's "where Indians belong" (I liked playing in the sun a lot when I was little). So I broke his finger with my lunch box. My teachers put me in remedial classes and made me see psychiatrists (who said that the teacher should be on drugs if she thought I needed help) and kept me after school. The principal made fun of my mom's accent and made her cry when she went in for a meeting about holding me back a year. So I transferred because one of my mom's closest friends stood up for her at a secondary meeting and latertold her that there was nothing left for me at that school.
My first friend in second grade through fourth was a boy. We hung out a lot so everyone thought we were a couple (but I didn't like boys till sixth grade and even then, I thought this one was a crybaby). He had a crush on a girl who told him she was a werewolf and when he told others this, they'd bully him about it and I'd have to make him feel better. We were good friends for a while and then this boy transferred into the class and then I wasn't his best friend anymore. So I started hanging out with a Korean girl and her friend. He got mad that we didn't talk anymore, I guess, because Valentine's Day one year he said I was boring and no one liked me and made me cry. The boys in my class used to play a game to see who could make me smile (I always did of course) it made me wonder if I usually looked so unapproachable for them to do that.
I liked hanging out with Korean girl and her friend because they always invited me to things. But Korean girl always "borrowed" money from me and never gave it back. Mom got mad at me because I was always short for lunch. I told Korean girl I liked a boy in the class once and then she told me she did too. She asked him to a dance later that year. I had a joint birthday party with her my eighth grade year and she took a present that was addressed to me because she liked it better than the one that the person gave to her (everyone came with two gifts). High school started and we stopped talking because we went to different schools.
In high school I don't think I had anyone I'd call a friend until junior/senior year. It makes me sad that I was unable to meet these people until later on, but better late than never I guess. I really looked up to this girl in my ceramics class. And she was the kind of person to immediately warm up to anyone no matter who they were. She was the first person to play fight with me and it made me happy someone was so friendly. I fought with my parents a lot during this time because they were so strict and she reminded me that I was lucky to have parents who cared about me. My other friend I met through AP biology and we both had similar backgrounds so we ended up spending a lot of time talking. I lost my two closest friends when one stayed in Berkeley and the other went to Washington. We tried writing letters, but that can only go so far.
But I digress on what I had initially meant to write about. This "being nice" business. The other day a close friend said I was a good person and it made me wonder if the people I consider close to me actually know me. What exactly makes a person "good"? I have all the basic human values-killing,stealing, and form of hurting others is wrong. But, I also fall short in many respects. I don't think that the people who consider me a nice person have seen every side of me. I know for a fact that I am a very ugly person when jealous or angry. I'm not *that* good of a person, in all honesty. It scares me sometimes, but I wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone if they were a threat to something I cared a lot about. Take for instance, WhoreMouth. I am fairly certain that I would have a bit of difficulty holding my composure seeing as I know her personality type, and what she has done with someone I care very much for. It has come to the point, I'll reluctantly admit, that I lose fragments of reasoning such that her face, voice, and mannerisms grate on my nerves. But maybe it has nothing to do with nerve..her Type (slutty) and mannerisms (prostitute: to give everything away indiscriminately)bothers me as a person. I consider myself judgmental in that respect, I have personal values that for some egotistical reason, I assume others should follow. When I was single, I once had a crush on a man who had a girlfriend. But as soon as I found out he was in a relationship (ldr ironically), I immediately friend zoned him. And, (although it wasn't fair for him but his (ex) girlfriend should thank me) I was a cockblock at any party I went to with him (and several other friends). There is just something inherantly wrong with knowing someone is in a relationship with someone/something they care about and pushing forward to sabotage the bond. It makes me sad when people do that. And this frustrating feeling gives way to resentment. I hate WhoreMouth and her fellow tramps with a passion. People like her destroy other people's happiness and break up relationships/marriages. If it were up to me, there would be a special circle in hell for people like that. Actually, I think Dante did make one so never mind.
He said that he considers himself whipped because he goes out of his way to do things to make me happy and when I told him that he doesn’t have to, he said it’s because he wants to, that it makes him happy to go out of his way to make me happy. And it had made me want to cry that he cared so much about me. I remember a while back I used to read this fanfiction someone wrote "...she knows that despite his silly smiles, he is constantly thinking of how to make her happy and keep her safe. He has always given and she has never had to ask. She sees the wrinkles at his temples and loves them." And it made me sad at the time because I wondered what I had to do to be a better person so that I could deserve to meet the person just for me. And it's strangely cruel that I may have met the person most important to me, only to have a time limit as to how long I could have this person with me. What's even more ironic is that the protagonist of the story left his girl for Kyoto too because of self imposed obligations.The original story had a happy ending I think, but the alternate trilogy movie version ended with everyone dying.
Let's hope for the best shall we?
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