I've come to realize that decent people are constantly getting screwed over. Kind people who like to help others get taken advantage of because they give everything they have. I'm not talking about myself because that would be sheer arrogance. However, I do think I'm a fairly decent person.
Case in point: my first boyfriend; I somehow got into a relationship with a time limit, the fact that he established a dead line should have been a red flag for me. But I was optimistic and naive, I thought that maybe we could just have really good experiences together and I'd learn a lot from him and when summer came, I would just cut my hair and he'd be on his way. It turned out that I'm not that kind of person. I started caring for him more than I thought I would, but it was unreciprocated for a very long time. Had I been more experienced or just smarter, I would've cut off everything when he brought up the dead end fate. I ended up getting strung along for another five months all the while listening about how much fun he'd have in another country, the potential girlfriend types he might make over there, what kind of underwear they would wear.. I was really stupid for a long time. Now that I think about it, I'm kind of disappointed in myself since I should've been smarter about things. I have a future that I've been working very hard towards and I didn't think something so trivial could throw me off. But this was all on a tangent..
He said there's nothing going on and I believed him. I asked why she was always sitting right next to him or hanging onto him in pictures and he said it was nothing I should be worried about, (that was in the beginning and just recently she's still being a slut in every picture of him, she's right next to him..just friends for sure). He said he was going bowling and I shouldn't worry about it. It turned out that he got really drunk, went to a club and danced with her..as he said, 'shit happens'. He said he had to be nice to her because it was her birthday..I was at a birthday too, but hung around only my girl friends.
Men like alcohol and women and they can't be forced to change, (no one can) so I wonder if that's why some of the people in my family never got married..I was crying my eyes out that night, and wondering where he was..decent people get screwed over..and they're non-refundable.
It's always innocent, there's nothing going on, transgressions don't happen over night.
There is so much I would change about the past right now it's almost overwhelming. Hindsight is always 20/20.
To be fair, he has been skyping me so there is effort going both ways. The night I drove back from the tournament, he called me on my phone. I didn't realize it was him at first but when I did, I was ridiculously happy. He was worried about me, wondering where I was and if I was okay. I felt cared for. After he told me he had a dinner thing to go to and that he wouldn't be able to talk to me that night and hung up, my blood ran cold. I hadn't recognized his voice at all when he called. At first, I thought it was a friend because his voice sounded vaguely familiar and then I thought it was a prank caller because when I asked who it was, he simply said, "Your boyfriend." I realized then that if it had been so easy to simply forget him, (even though I'm madly in love with him), it would have taken him maybe the first two weeks he was there in jp to forget me, (if that). It scared me a little, the possibility that despite all of the effort I've put into this, I might still be rejected..that's scary, and I've been reassured that it won't happen but hey, "shit happens".
No comments:
Post a Comment