So I guess I'm seen as the kind of person to "attack" others..well that just made me feel like crap. I'd never seen myself as such a person but apparently I come off as a terrible person. I was told to express myself and say what's on my mind. I did, and got rebuked for it. I was told to say it in a nicer way. Those things have always been on my mind, and I express myself that way because when I think something is truly bad, I'll say it is. I'm not going to censor myself because people can't take the truth. I'm not going to apologize for how I think about things.
People do jackass things everyday. Girls who break my friends' hearts, it makes me rethink the kind of person they are and whether or not I want to even associate with them. People who continuously do things to hurt others or hurt themselves. They can be ignorant, but if someone brings it up in tears or anger then they should at least have the decency as a person to stop or at least go somewhere else and do it. Ignorance and stupidity shouldn't be used as scapegoats..that's just taking the easy way out. That's just what I think. I try really really hard not to hurt the people around me but recently I've been getting mindfucked and at the same time I'm expected to just take it. If I go against what I think is wrong, I'm called a hypocrite.
When I was little I used to think that even though there are bad people out there, there are also so many good people and I hope that I can meet them someday. I'm still waiting to meet them.
But I guess for now I'm just going to have to put all the masks back on and pretend I'm okay with everything. I won't ask, and if I'm told something I'll just take it as it is. Probably just comment with the generic things I'm expected to come up with: that's nice, it's fine, that sounds fun. I won't be apathetic or indifferent though, because that's the antagonist to love and that would be considered dangerous. I just want to avoid the fights and melodrama. When I bring things up that are bothering me I just feel the need to express my thoughts, I'm not expecting or wanting a fight out of it. I hate melodrama..that's probably why I avoided being in a relationship for so long~seeing one of my friends in a 5 year (4 of them being long distance) and getting strung along because her boyfriend can't commit or make up his mind..I always thought that was very wrong and couldn't understand why the heck she would choose to do such a thing. I have always despised people who can't think for themselves. That's why Mum told me once that if I was born in a Communist country, I would have probably been killed..(or maybe I would have conformed to survive, I don't know). Mindless drones who follow the herd just to fit in..what is the point exactly? I wonder if somewhere along the way you don't just forget who you are and lose all sense of identity. I'm a mover, I think. If the environment doesn't suit me, I'll move somewhere else where it fits me perfectly, I'm not just going to stay there and slowly die. I never thought there would be a time when I would be expected to chuck every free thought I have out the window just to be liked. If something hurts you, isn't it natural to say so? Even if it comes out harshly, if someone treats you harshly shouldn't you say it was? If someone is making me cry doing X, I'm not going to say, "I'm sorry but that kind of bothers me, you can stop doing it if you want, but if you really want to keep doing it then you can.." Why dull it? They might just keep doing the same thing over and over..
I think love has dulled my senses.
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