Lucid Dreaming

I think my dreams are becoming more clear now..a function of reality, (or so I hope. I don't dream about extraordinary things (although when I was little I used to have dreams about being a dragon and spiraling around in the sky through rain clouds) anymore, but there's usually a lot of color in my dreams. And the lighting is very different, something like a scene out of Pushing Daisies. They often make me feel disjointed upon waking, even if it was a good dream. But then again, lately I have begun to lose a sense of what is good and bad.

My biggest mistake was putting great expectations on people. This made me reliant and foolish. I was afraid to turn into my mum, (who would want to be called a mirror image of their parents?) so I avoided her advice because it had seemed so misanthropic and lonely at the time. But, it appears that it would be best if I were to depend on only myself. Because disappointment can be a sharp jab to the Id, but I suppose if one were to be optimistic about things, it does lead to greater development. Still, it doesn't negate the fact that it can make you feel like crap afterwards.

I am a selfish person and I have come to terms with that. But I do hope that I can upgrade from Intimacy vs Isolation someday, (it will be to Generativity vs. Stagnation, which is still pretty crappy but I guess it's some progress). Anywho, it disappoints me sometimes that I react in the way I do. For instance, I should not, after more than 3.5 months of engaging in a long distance relationship, act in the way I do (sometimes). But alas, I'm human by all rights and jealousy does tend to rear its ugly head everytime and I wonder when I began to become so predictable, (but in all honesty anyone in their right mind would probably react the same way I have or not even bother and take the easy way out). I'm not the kind of person to back down if something is very important to me, even if it's coming at me head on at 90 miles an hour. I wish things were easier. In the past I might have disputed with someone who said such a thing by saying "but life's more fun that way". Well, it's not and I had to learn things the hard way. In all honesty, I would be completely content and grateful if things were just set out for me. Maybe it's just one of those days for me to be thinking in such a way, because I'm simply tired of struggling, (not to say that I'd let go anytime soon).

It's gotten a lot better, though. I used to over sleep because I just didn't have the energy or will to deal with things. But I think everything changes once you meet someone very important to you, (who isn't with you out of obligation). I'm very lucky when I think about it.. I have said things that would make me cringe had someone said it to me, and yet he doesn't even make anything of it. Why he bothers I'll never know, but I'm happy he'd go through such lengths, (even if I don't understand it at all). There will be days I'm angry at the world for throwing me such a situation I'm so unwilling to back out of and I end up taking it out on him. But he'll smile and tell me how much he loves me.

There are some cliches I'll deal with ie. "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" but others, ie. "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Really? The person who said that should go try it. If you've never felt pleasure than theoretically you would never feel pain. Call me a coward but I would rather not love if they leave me for someone else because they were better looking or cracked borderline obscene jokes or took really good pictures or had a cute accent or knows so many more things than I do. Because honestly, that would be the equivalent of getting stabbed and then being left to slowly bleed to death. There have been case studies..heartache really does do a lot of damage. Case in point: an ecologist was studying monkeys and when a mother monkey was shot by a hunter, the baby wouldn't leave the area. A little while later it died of unknown causes and when an autopsy was done, its insides were breaking down. There weren't any parasites or known diseases that could be found. I'm pretty sure I'd get sick if someone I really cared about just up and left. The worst kind of leaving is when they're not even around anymore so you can't see them even if you tried. That's the worst kind of pain imaginable. If my boyfriend decides to leave me I will be pissed but I would get over it in a while because he's happy out there somewhere with his slutty new girlfriend (who's a homewrecker and doesn't deserve to be happy). Having someone leave you when you were both happy together is horrific because it doesn't make any sense at all. I've wondered if things could have transpired differently but I've never really been a lucky kind of person. I've always been a struggler. But I'm persistent so I pull through every time no matter what, and sometimes it's even beyond my expectation and that's the most wonderful feeling in the world; to set out to do something and then accomplish it.

I was so afraid to hurt the little rat guys in lab that I'd pause a lot while trying to get them out of their cages to weigh/shoot them up withe meth and go, "it's ok little guy, you're alright, you're alright" till my supervisor got peeved that I was wasting time and yelled at me because guess it makes the guys nervous when you hover over them like an all-powerful being. Oops.

It may seem silly but ever since the love of my life decided to leave me behind, I've found happiness in the little things in life. Like the warm feeling of the rats I handle every day..they're all warm and soft, (even if they have scary looking probes sticking out of their head/spinal column), or the occasional hug from friends, or the smell of clean laundry..recently I've decided that I really like the sound of a knife spreading peanut butter on toast. But in all honesty, none of these things which in appeal to all of my senses bring me as much happiness as the time I get to talk to my puppy. Even if my computer is being stupid and tends to pause at awkward moments or the speakers begin to stutter. It's still the best reminder that I'm still loved, (unless, in actuality I'm a clone that was stationed here in Santa Barbara to carry out a duty and to appease the original XX, a boyfriend has been made up for me and the pre-recorded video chats are shown to me everyday to keep me healthy and happy, till my pre-ordained death is set into action..or maybe that's just the plot of a B movie..).

In any event, I still worry even if I'm told there's nothing to worry about. It's very easy to become emotionally attached to certain people when they're always around. Because it will begin to be that they are around you at convenient times when you need someone (anyone, really) and they're there, (even though someone else would do anything to be there but they can't due to distance/time constraints). And then person B is screwed over and person A gets to spend an amazing time in the novelty of a new relationship with a new, more attractive and somewhat upgraded version of person B. Person B is screwed over in the end and decides to dedicate his/her life to a lifetime of crime fighting. So I guess there's a happy ending if a superhero is born. I guess. I wonder if a superhero whose only weakness is hearing the bad guy yell, "you're boring and no body loves you!" would sell..