Sunsets

It started raining on my way biking back to the apartment today. For some reason, I always thought it was terribly sad when the light from a sunset casts shadows upon store windows and parked cars. I have no idea why. Sunsets are very pretty, especially today since the sky turned pink-purple and in the distance the outline of the mountains was layered in golds. But it's a very sad thing too, I think. Sunsets have always held a morose connotation for me since they've always taken place during dismal times. I remember driving to someone's funeral once. The sky was beautiful and there were streaks of rainbows in the clouds from the sunset but the air was heavy and stifling. And, another time, it was my last walk to the beach with someone I cared dearly about. We sat down on a bench and huddled next to each other to take pictures but it was also very sad even with the sun going down in the distance. It was something like a very sad ending. I wonder if pictures can be seen as masochistic because you're freezing a wonderful moment of your life in time and when everything starts to go downhill, you'll have them to look back to and think of better times. That doesn't make everything better, (at least for me).

Lately I have begun to wonder what the value of my education is really. I go into lab and have to be trained because the classes I take aren't applicable. Useful, of course, but theory is so very different compared to applied science. I went into medical microbio discussion today. We spent 50 minutes listening to other students pretend that they knew what they were talking about, (on a subject they chose) and then had to ask questions for participation points. Since I have gone to college, I can honestly say that my intelligence has gone down the drain. But more than likely it was because I was lazy for the past couple years and just didn't put any effort into going to colloquiums or becoming friends with dept speakers. Actually, I take that back, in my free time I was struggling with classes and internship crap and trying to find a solid group of people I could depend on. Life is going downhill, I can just feel it.

In elementary school I was bullied. In high school I didn't have that many friends and hated how shy I was and so I looked forward to college. College was, well is, now. It seems to me as if everything just gets worse as you get older. I don't regret my experiences though. But I do think it's made me a little rougher around the edges. Soon I'll be applying for grad schools and lab internships, but what I really want more than any of those would be to get the CDC fellowship. But I'll just have to wait and see if my work has paid off. I shouldn't let trivial things get in the way of what I want to do, but I'm the kind of person to care about those things even when I know it's no good. Mum once told me to not bother with a boyfriend because everyone gets married someday so I shouldn't worry about it. She probably wanted me to meet the dude at work or something because she always had this image of him holding a samsonite and wearing a suit. That was such a silly image at the time because I had never even approached a guy so I honestly wasn't thinking about such things. During that time what possessed my mind was the possibility of failure. I hate doing poorly in anything I set out to do. It's as if all of the effort I put into it was for nothing. Another thing that used to be on my mind a lot was being accepted by others. Ideally I shouldn't worry about such things because I know for a fact that I'm a decent person and I try to help others when I can, but in reality I still need that confirmation from the people around me. My main focus at the moment will be to work hard in school so that I can get a very good job, one that won't leave me like people can.

I know it's a terrible thought, but I wonder why people can't live alone..it's so hard to depend on others because as soon as you start trusting them, they leave you behind. Disney is the worst form of advertising ever because they brainwash you as a kid and you go prancing around till young adulthood hits and that kid in 7th grade shoots you down on Valentine's Day and then just as you have finished building up your self esteem again, some boy decides to ditch you at prom for one of the prettier girls.