Ginkgo

When I was a child I asked my mom if some people are just meant to be alone, (various aunts and uncles who never got married well into their 50's or some who did and had it end in divorce/sickness). She had told me yes.

I wonder if I am one of those people. Just meant to be alone, always, (not that it bothers me terribly since there are people who live with it). I never really did fit in with any particular group. And those I could talk to on a decent level were like me..over-thinkers I guess. I suppose one could say I'm different. I never thought on the same wavelength as most of the people I run into and people just assume different is wrong I guess. I have a slightly morbid sense of humor, if not completely off key.

Perhaps it's just narrow minded thinking on my part because of how things have been going lately, but it seems that I've always had problems with my interpersonal relationships. X, who was supposed to be taking care of me, always leaned on my shoulder to cry as someone who supposedly left her for extended periods of time. And then as I was growing up there were a bunch of little ones who depended on me for guidance..(I wish they knew I was as lost as they were most of the time). I think for a while that was why I never actively tried to get involved in anything-it was too much of a hassle and too many things could go wrong for me to risk it. And now that I'm actually in a relationship there have been a million and one things to get in the way of me being decently happy with my situation.

There was about two months of uncertainty, cycling in and out of the Gotta Be Somebody theorem. Then a month of awkward dating. Followed by a month of critical cynicism/acceptance of abandonment. Then the 'Honeymoon phase', followed by tearful rejections and more uncertainty and finally being left behind. Wow, I wish I'd been told it could be that easy to fall in love and be happy with someone because I would have tried it sooner. And then of course there are issues of the moment~stupid girls for one (although I've been told in a rather adamant tone that they're named Sonnashi and Nanashi), and then the stupid stupid distance/time difference. I have nothing to worry about they say. But it seems as if an issue of inconsistency begs to differ.

I whine about being alone, but there are days in which I prefer it. Because people are too troublesome to deal with. You have to worry about social norms, or entertaining them, or accidentally stepping into love triangles, or walking on eggshells when sensitive subjects come up. I should probably just train more (physically and studies-wise) so I can clear my mind of this nonsense. Or maybe what I really need at the moment is a haircut..or a puppy.

23:36

There's a man here, (in the judo club) who has a wife and kid back in Texas. But he's stuck in CA because of work. I wonder how he does it. He's a really kind man-paid for the entire club's dinner just because. He was saying how he skypes his wife and son. I wonder if it's really love when I can't go a day without wondering what he's up to, and if he's met let's call her sidewalk girl-someone he just meets in the street and it turns out that they are completely compatible and have similar career paths. Well that just chucks me out of the picture. I think it's one of the worst feelings in the world to know that you can be replaced so easily, by an accidental meeting. It doesn't have to be that the person goes up to you and says, 'hey, you're great and all but the second I find someone better I'm just going to leave you' because such things are so easily implied by what ifs. I want someone who would value me enough to not entertain such a thought. It's true, that you never know what the future will bring, but I don't understand what the point of making the person's (whom you're with at the moment) life hell because you have a need to be cruelly honest.

But I guess it's better to know in advance now that I get to replay this last pseudo ending again, in December, about 2 days before I leave. Super.

I think that's the reason people weren't born with premonition-we'd all drive ourselves insane with trying to change the future.